


Brother Issues

by theflyjar



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Attempted Sexual Assault, Best Friends, Double Anal Penetration, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Not Incest, Platonic Relationships, Smut, Underage Drinking, Underage Masturbation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:18:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 79,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6469804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyjar/pseuds/theflyjar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A love between best friends is platonic but what's the love between you and your best friend's brother when you're supposed to act like siblings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nascent

**Author's Note:**

> This fic comes in four stages: Childhood, Early adolescence, Late adolescence and Adulthood.
> 
> I have also paired a playlist to go with this fic, which can be found here: [Brother Issues Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuCbSjdJJadUvgYhZVd3hCGVNi-0YwxtZ)
> 
> (I thoroughly advise shuffling it while reading any of the parts)
> 
> There is _NO INCEST_ in this fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Childhood

He didn’t want to come out from behind his mother’s legs, his little hands were clinging to the back of her loosely fitting jeans and he pensively watched the other kids mess around in the play area, “Now, little Xing, you’ve got to let go and join the other kids.”

“No,” he whimpered, burying his head into her leg and clenching his grip on her tighter. “I want Ma.”

His mother unfurled his small fingers and took them into her own hands, the clamminess of Yixing’s nervous sweat transferring onto her perfectly primed skin, “Ma has to go to work now, we talked about this. You said you wanted to go to school.” 

Yixing hadn’t been sure what school was when his parents had explained it to him, they talked about how there would be others who were Yixing’s age and that he would be able to learn more things that he would be able to at home. Their telling of events, however, mentioned nothing about his mother not being there. Yixing had been held under the guise that his mother would stay with him all day every day, like she had always done since Yixing could remember. He had only agreed to the idea of school, the place where Yixing was supposed to find his way because he thought he wouldn’t be going in alone.

He didn’t know how to approach other children, how was he supposed to survive so many new things all at once if he didn’t know how to talk to his peers?

“No, Ma,” he cried, his eyes beginning to bulge with tears that would threaten to spill down his cheeks. “Here.”

His mother looked down at him, “I have to go to work, Yixing. You’ll love it here, I promise. And, you’ll make Mama so proud.”

Yixing tried to steel himself in an attempt to make his mother praise him, adoring words from her mouth were all he needed to feel better through his day. She had praised him from day one, complimenting his use of numbers and words but he feared that she would soon stop with her loving statements. If she wasn’t there to tell him that he was her smart little boy, then who would tell him?

Everything felt like the end of the world, especially when his mother pried herself away from him to make her way from him. The school door clicked shut before he could grab her again, the handle being far too high for Yixing’s little hands to reach and he stumbled on his way over to the window.

He was crying, tears fell unabashed from his eyes and he screamed out a constant string of, “ _Ma! Mama! Ma_ ,” through the window as she made her way down the school path. His fists pounded against the glass, his yelling making her turn around and Yixing could see her eyes wetting as she took in the sight of her only son pleading for her to return.

The teachers left Yixing there after numerous attempts to move him from the window, his adamant telling them that his mother was going to return for him soon made everybody back away swiftly. He only came away from the window pane when he’d screamed his throat dry and raw, the need for a drink overwhelming him far too much.

Whenever Yixing was asked when he’d had his first heartbreak, he would always recall that day with the utmost clarity. It was the first painstakingly negative memory he could remember. The reason for that being was that it happened almost every day for a week. He felt a sense of loneliness almost every moment that he was apart from his parents, it was foreign and something he didn’t want to know. He didn’t like going to school, he hated it vehemently. All Yixing wanted to do was stay home with his Ma.

Yixing had heard his mother talking to his father about bringing him home again, which kindled a fire of hope in six-year-old Yixing’s stomach. His Ba had swiftly told her to give him a chance to settle, to become adjusted to the new surroundings and the new people. His Ba clearly explaining that stopping his months of homeschooling was the best option for his future. He sat shyly at the table as his parents discussed his education, he had really wanted to like school but he just couldn’t. It upset him to an impossible measure that he hadn’t connected with any of the other students in his class. He had been pinned as the crybaby of his group, nobody wanted to make friends with the boy who joined seven months late and screeched for his mother while beating against the window each day. It just made everything so much worse.

The little boy found relief when the weekend rolled around, the two days he could spend with his parents was enough to build him up again. He truly believed that he was going to start having his lessons at home like he used to. It stacked the faith that he’d be saved from the hellish school up within him, he wasn’t going to go back because his parents loved him. However, that hope was dashed when Yixing’s mother took him for a bath on Monday morning.

She had plucked him out of bed, washed him and dressed him for the day. There was a small glimmer of positive feeling within him when she took him out for breakfast, feeding him some cakes and giving him Apple juice, not the normal glass of water he was allowed. He should have noted that he was wearing his uniform but he didn’t recognise the route to school just yet, so when she drove and took him closer to the gates, he was still unaware.

He felt his crying begin when he saw the cursed sign of his school’s name, it made him feel small and insignificant. A clear contrast from how big he’d been built up by his parents. Yixing really did not want to go inside, the day always crawled by too slowly when he was contained in those rooms.

His mother said her goodbyes, urging him not to cry because it made her cry too. He tried to listen to her, to fully comprehend what she was asking of him, so he walked away quietly. Yixing dipped his head as the door was opened for him, he watched his mother go from the window once again. There were no tears or theatrics, just a slight withdrawal into himself. He felt abandoned by the person who loved him the most. The teacher was shocked when he took his seat, the boys that sat in front of him all whispered to each other but Yixing didn’t listen. He wanted the day to be over, to be able to retreat to his mother’s arms as she took him back to their car to take him home. He bowed his head into his hands, the sweaty warmth from his palms went into his eyes as he tried to plug his silent tears.

He didn’t pay attention to the lesson, despite the step-up in his attitude towards sitting in the classroom and not by the school entrance as he had done the previous week. Yixing knew he was different to the other students, they all had friends and chirped happily like they were birds together. A part of him wanted that. It was the exact vision that his parents had painted, just he was the only one that wasn’t involved in it.

He had barely managed to stop the tears when something pulled slightly on his hair. He ignored it but after the eighth tug, he looked around to what was touching his head and saw a completely unfamiliar boy. His eyes were sparkling, yet not with the watery wetness that Yixing’s were, and Yixing was dumbfounded.

“Hello, I am Wu Luhan and I’m six. I had the flu,” the boy grinned widely and Yixing paused from where he was sat. He had expected the black haired boy to poke fun at his tear stained face but he seemed to take the silence as a cue to continue with his chatter. “I have a _gege_ , his name is Yifan and he’s ten. Would you like to sit with me?”

Yixing blinked _eleven, twelve, thirteen_ times before the boy took the initiative to sit by his side. Luhan seemed to not mind that Yixing didn’t speak, or even properly introduce himself, and still spoke at a million miles an hour about books and his _gege_. He wasn’t sure why Luhan was being so open and forward with him when everybody else wasn’t fussed by his presence. Although, Yixing didn’t mind too much when time moved faster as Luhan prattled on. It was at the end of the day, when the black haired boy told Yixing goodbye and he managed to mutter a quiet, “I am Zhang Yixing.”

“I know,” Luhan chirruped, his smile melting the unease in Yixing’s stomach until it had gone completely.

Luhan waved avidly until Yixing was ushered out to meet his mother, the younger student smiled gently and found himself looking forward to seeing Luhan again the next day.

# ♤

 

Yixing had swiftly felt a groove flowing in his days, the hours filled themselves with his new friend, Luhan, and he was enthralled by everything the black haired boy seemed to natter on about. His mother had noted a difference within him almost instantly as he shone while he talked solely about Luhan for the duration of the journey home. Yixing had been encircled by his friend's cute attitude; the way in which everything was the greatest thing in existence rubbed off on him far quicker than he could have imagined. It was a strange revelation to shift so quickly, though Yixing felt as though he would be friends with the other boy for a very long time. They sat beside each other during classes, they had the same tastes in food which would meant that their lunch was always split between the two of them.

The younger would give Luhan the best parts of his food, sometimes even feeding the other boy if he felt confident enough and the action was reciprocated almost every time. Their closeness spoke volumes when Yixing had a bad night's sleep and managed to start crying as his mother left him; he was exhausted and just wanted to snuggle up beneath his blankets for the whole day. He had suddenly become the butt of almost every joke his classmates made, the crybaby tag sticking and making him feel even worse about staying in school that day. That was until Luhan arrived - he always seemed to turn up later than everybody else because he had wanted to spend time with his _gege_ \- and had been somewhat furious over the fact Yixing was being bullied for crying.

The older of the two little boys seemed to know how to make all of the snide comments stop with a dark glare in his normally bright eyes and a snarl of defense that almost all of the other students cried within the first month of school. It was enough to make Yixing feel comfort because Luhan had openly admitted that he wailed over the idea of not being at home to wait for his _gege_ in front of the rest of his class. Yixing hadn't wanted to be the brunt of any bullying, he hadn't even known what it meant to be picked on until he went to school but Luhan had swiftly pointed out that Yixing hadn't known what it meant to have a friend either.

Yixing thought Luhan was the smartest boy he had ever met, though he always said that it was because his _gege_ had imparted much of his wisdom to him when they would play games together in the living room of their home. The way Luhan spoke made Yixing wish to have an older brother. He wanted to have that bond with somebody and to have someone to teach him new things every day. Jealousy was a feeling Yixing had never encountered before meeting Luhan and it confused him - he didn't want to think badly of his best friend but he could not help himself. He wanted a _gege_ too if they were that great.

That sluggish feeling of envy stayed with the six-year-old for a few days until Luhan said that his brother would be coming to their class to drop off his lunch. Apparently, Luhan had left his lunchbox on the table at home and his _gege_ had offered to share his food with his _didi_ because he couldn't let him go hungry through the day. The excitement that shone on his best friend's face was enough to have him growing overjoyed at the idea of meeting Yifan, the infamous _gege_ Luhan looked up so intently to. When lunch swung around, there was a strong and confident knock at the door before an older boy walked in.

Yixing hadn't ever met a ten-year-old before but Yixing felt his face flare up in a blush whilst the bigger boy made his way over to where Yixing had given some of his lunch to Luhan already.

"Yifan-ge," Lu Han squealed, both boys beaming widely at each other as the smaller clasped around his brother's wrist to drag him over to their table. "My best friend, Xing-ah."

Yixing bowed his head slightly towards the older boy, his face grew hotter as Luhan's _gege_ smiled wide enough to show gums down at him.

"Han, my teacher said I could eat with you today," the elder said, making the younger of the two brothers shout happily and pull the small chair beside Yixing out for him to sit on. "Is it okay with Xing?"

"Yes, yes," Luhan assured, not even glancing at Yixing to get his permission and the boy began to push his elder brother to the seat. "We can share."

"That's right," Yifan nodded, tousling Luhan's hair at his cute hope. Yifan sat on the small chair to Yixing's right, the seat was far closer to the floor than the ones Yixing had seen in the bigger classes during the tour of the school he'd had with his parents. He watched as Yifan shifted around to get comfortable on the red plastic, it made Yixing giggle as the older boy banged his knee on the edge of the desk.

Yixing remained too shy to speak for a long time, he tried to be polite by giving some of his food over to Yifan and the older boy seemed delighted that Yixing was willing to share with him. Luhan started speaking in that same fashion he always did, loud and boisterously about anything that came to mind. His big brother nodded and hummed at the right times, sometimes making silly comments about how cute Luhan was with what he was saying. Yixing didn't know whether or not he should agree because he didn't know anything about what Luhan said.

"Xing-ah," Luhan's brother whispered, making him look up at him through his lashes with his apple-red cheeks, "Luhan said you liked chocolate milk, do you want mine?"

Yixing desperately wanted to say _yes_ but he saw that it was the only one the older boy had, "It's yours."

Yifan took his straw and pushed it through the foiled covered hole at the top of the cartoon and took a gulp of the chocolate milk, he turned the white straw towards the younger boy with an expectant gaze. "We can share it."

He knew he couldn't refuse the look the ten-year-old was giving him and took the straw into his lips and began to sip at the chocolate milk happily. Yixing wasn't allowed chocolate milk often, his parents had labelled it as unhealthy, despite Yixing not knowing exactly what that word had meant. Luhan's favourite kind of milk was vanilla - the only flavour Yixing disliked, so he never shared that with him but he was overjoyed when Yifan had given him some of his chocolate milk.

They shared the drink until Yixing had sucked it until the straw made a crackling noise, it made Yixing smile shyly as Yifan ruffled his hair as affectionately as he did his little brother's. He hadn't had anything to gift back to Yifan, he didn't even have a drawing he could give the bigger boy and he sucked on his lip as Yifan began to pack up his half of the lunch items the three of them shared together. Yixing tried to think of the ways Luhan had taught him to show his care for something and Yixing didn't even think twice about kissing Yifan on the cheek. It was a quick and innocent peck but it made Yifan look at him with wide eyes.

Yixing had blazed with heat at the reaction. He wanted to hide under the because he had grown so nervous about having done such an action. He wasn't even sure if he had got the action right in the first place. Yet, Yifan just smiled again.

"Goodbye, Xing-ah, have a good day," Yifan cheerfully waved and Yixing was awestruck by how big the older boy looked.

"Bye bye, Yifan-ge," he lifted his hand up to wave the boy off and Luhan screamed for his brother to have fun in his big boy classes.  

  

# ♤

 

Yifan didn't eat with them after that day but Luhan always had a chocolate milk in his lunchbox to give to Yixing. The younger of the brothers had said his _gege_ wanted Yixing to be able to drink it too, as he didn't like Luhan's vanilla. It was enough to have Yixing count up how many kisses on the cheek he owed Yifan for sharing his milk and he had quickly run out of fingers and toes to use in doing so.

Yixing didn't see Yifan at all until Luhan came in brandishing a note in his hand, apparently, he had asked his mother if Yixing could have dinner at their house a few days later and Yixing was to give the letter to one of his parents to get permission. It was an exciting prospect for the young boy, as it would have been the first time he would be invited to another child's house. He had nervously handed the slip of paper to his mother and she had called up Luhan's mother almost immediately to agree to times. Apparently, his parents were happy that he had managed to make at least one friend out of all the children in his class and they praised him for finding one with such polite parents.

If anything, Yixing was nervous about going home with Luhan without his parents being there, as he had never spent so much time apart from them in a single day before. It made him feel apprehensive over to whether or not he should ask to go home earlier than the given time. But, Luhan had told him that his _gege_ was going to be there too. The older boys lived in a house within walking distance from the school and their father was the one who turned up to walk them the short route nearly every day. Luhan had said that when Yifan got a little older then he would be the one to supervise picking Luhan up and chaperoning him home - that served to make Yixing wish harder for an older brother. He wanted somebody he would spend most of his time with and bond over silly things like Luhan and Yifan did. It made the youngest upset that he didn't have that with his family, even though he loved his Mama and Baba.

The walk from their school was a little longer than Yixing had expected and it had managed to wear him out enough that Luhan's Baba carried him the rest of the way to their three storey townhouse. Yixing had liked being carried by the man, he was strong and confident like his own father, which was enough to trust that the man wouldn't drop him on the floor. Luhan had soccer practice that day, the young boy loving the game and Yixing was invited along too. He declined; his mother didn't let him play any games like that because he had thin blood. Luhan's father had nodded in understanding, telling Yixing that his Mama had explained everything about his condition to him and that he should stay at home with Yifan while his wife took Luhan to his club.

Yixing was granted privilege to Yifan's room, the older boy doing his homework and not paying him much attention. The six year old could see what he recognised to be basketballs around the room and posters from Animes Yixing had seen advertised in stores. He had always wondered what a big boy's bedroom would look like; lots of colours everywhere and a little mess in the corners of the space were exactly what he'd anticipated. They were exactly what he got when he had walked into the spacious room, much to his delight. He was relieved to see numerous plushies on the bed that Yifan said he could sit on, as it looked a little like his smaller bed at home. Yixing picked up the soft fluff of a dragon and held it close to his chest as he watched Yifan scribble in characters all over his worksheets. It made him sleepy watching the elder's pencil and he felt himself settling on the bed with his eyes closing with the scratching sounds as his lullaby.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep but he had, it was so balmy and comfortable that he didn't want to wake up when he heard Luhan yelling downstairs. Yixing had felt confusion rush through him when he realised that Yifan was beside him reading a book and not working at his desk anymore. The older boy was comfortable to sleep next to and that surprised Yixing, as he had never slept in a bed other than his own or his parents'.

"Here you are," Luhan shouted as he bounded in Yifan's room. "Bath and then play?"

Yixing nodded enthusiastically whilst his friend rushed into the bathroom across the hall, he sat up yet Yifan didn't move from where he had been reading.

"Thank you, Yifan-ge," Yixing leant over while he whispered to kiss the older boy's cheek and he could feel the warm spreading on his own face again.

"Call me Fan-ge," Yifan smiled, his fingers finding their way into Yixing's hair to mess it up and the younger boy nodded. "Lu won't be long in the bath, he has some toys in his room that you can play with."

"Will you play too," Yixing felt himself pouting, " _Fan-ge_?"

The older boy flicked a few pages in his book before looking back at Yixing, "When I finish this chapter, I will find you."

Yixing nodded avidly before running out of the large room to where he had been shown was Luhan's bedroom by Yifan as they had come upstairs. Everything felt exciting to him and he was delighted when his best friend appeared in fresh clothes to play zoo with all the stuffed animals. The eldest of the trio joined in some time later, Luhan commanding that he be the elephant whilst Yixing remained the leopard and Luhan was the lion. It made Yifan grumpy to be the only 'harmless' one of the three but his brother had pulled a dramatic tantrum over the matter, which made Yifan give into playing the tusked creature.

They played with their toys until the soft call for dinner was heard from two floors below, Yixing followed the Wu brothers down the stairs and they all sat obediently at the table as everything was placed into dishes. Yixing was shocked when all four family members started to give him different pieces of food, Luhan bypassing his dish to shove pieces directly into Yixing's mouth and that only seemed to make the two adults laugh at their son's forward nature. Yifan was a little more discreet, he would watch what Yixing looked at the most and served him those little bits of food. Yixing tried to return the favour but there were always another set of chopsticks in his way to deal out food. Yifan seemed to notice and pushed his bowl towards Yixing and the younger boy placed pork into it with a happy smile. The older boy returned his grin affectionately and made sure to show Yixing how much he was enjoying the food served to him, it made Yixing's face flare again with a deep maroon colour dappling his cheeks.

Yixing hadn't wanted to go home when the doorbell rang an hour or so after they had finished eating, he heard the disappointed sigh come clearly from Luhan beside him as Yixing's name was called. The youngest picked up his school bag and made his way out to meet his father at the door, it was a relief to see his Baba but Yixing hadn't wanted his evening with the Wu family to end just yet. Luhan had said something about Yixing sleeping over one day, that he should stay for a night one weekend and his father has been more than willing to agree to that idea. Yixing couldn't say that he wasn't happy to hear those words from his Baba, as he had worried that he wouldn't want Yixing out of the house for so long.

The young boy bowed his goodbyes, the way his mother had taught him to do so when he wanted to be at his most polite in behaviour. Luhan's parents said he was welcome back anytime and Yixing was smiling as he made his way to the car with his father.

  

# ♤

 

Yixing had spent numerous days with the Wu family form that day onwards but had not yet slept the night. He didn't think he wanted to just yet, as he found himself missing his mother more and more as the days passed. However, his parents had told him that his Mama may have to spend more time at work because she had become the boss of her group. It made Yixing proud that his mother was getting praise but he didn't understand why that meant less time with him, it had saddened him more than anything at the idea of not spending each moment at home with her.

It was because of that, that Luhan's father had said he would look after Yixing when his parents became too busy and he noticed himself enjoying the company his best friend and his older brother gave on the lonely days. Yixing had quickly spotted that the two older boys wanted to do nothing but look after him, especially when Yixing arrived at school with a cold and Luhan had demanded that Yifan be allowed to visit him during school hours to make sure he was okay - as Yifan had been taught how to make sure that Yixing remained okay with his blood condition on one of the days Yixing's mother had picked him up. Yixing had blushed whenever Yifan touched his head to make sure that his temperature hadn't changed at all.

Yixing's cold passed but the attentive nature of the brothers didn't stop at all, it made Yixing smile as the three of them became closer and closer as time passed by.

He watched Luhan’s feet moving in front of his, trying to match up their strides perfectly to avoid stepping on the back of his best friend’s shoes. Yixing was concentrating, not once letting his eyes waver from the black soles. He barely recognised how the ground below his own feet changed from plain tarmac to asphalt striped with white. In retrospect, he should have been paying more attention to what was happening around him. The streets were busy with cars, as they always were, but the rain kept pedestrians from venturing out into the fray. It was a bleak day, Yixing had taken note of that much, but he had liked how all the lights reflected from the puddles on the floor. If he didn’t watch Lu Han’s feet so blindly, he would have seen the bike that wasn’t stopping - even though the stoplight was probably red.

Yixing had been in his own little world so much that he hadn’t recognised the recently familiar presence of Yifan walking by his side. The older boy was the one that grabbed Yixing’s hand to pull him out of the way, the bicycle wheels skidded in front of him and Yixing almost threw himself into Yifan to recoil from the water spray. His slightly grubby hands clenched at the older boy’s wet coat.

“Yixing,” the older boy shrieked. “You have to look where you’re going! You could have been hit.”

“I wasn’t looking,” he admitted, his arms retracting from the older boy to allow himself to walk the rest of the way. However, Yifan’s left hand wrapped around his right to guide him safely across the road. “Sorry, Fan-ge.”

“Stop looking at Han all the time and pay attention to your surroundings,” the taller boy scolded, making Yixing pout at reprimanding tone but Yifan pulled him closer as they got to the pathway. “I can’t have my favourite _didi_ getting hurt.”

Yixing’s face twisted as they caught up a little more to Luhan and his father, “I'm your favourite?”

“You can’t choose your family, Xing-ah,” Yifan whispered, capturing Yixing’s gaze for so long that he could feel his cheeks beginning to turn pink. “But I’ve picked you and you’re definitely my favourite. So, please don’t let go of my hand, especially when we are crossing roads, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Yixing froze for a few seconds, his cheeks turning so hot with blood that he could only let himself be pulled along with Yifan like a doll. He smiled, the spread wide enough that the heat from his blush could be felt under his eyes. Yifan turned back to him with a proud gummy grin, to which Yixing reflected back with a dimple and he let himself get yanked as Yifan started to run towards his father. They were giggling quietly, their hands still enveloped as Luhan whined to them both about keeping up yet Yixing was no longer paying attention to his best friend but his older brother.

    

# ♤ 

 

Yixing had been invited over to sleep a few days after that.  He had noted that his uneasiness subsided when Yifan had been stood beside Luhan during his giddy announcement that Yixing's parents had approved to his staying over. It was easy to forget that he had been reluctant to leave his parents for long periods of time when Yifan had looked equally as excited to have the younger stay over for a night. The six-year-old children departed to their lessons with talk of the games they could play all night, some involving the elder and others ones for only them to play.

Nevertheless, Yixing knew that Luhan had his football club that night. That only meant one thing, he could spend some of his quality time with Yifan and be able to pester him into helping him with his homework. He had managed on the days, when Luhan was gone for almost two hours, to get Yifan to aid him in the school work he had been struggling with. Yixing had learned that the transition from studying at home to going to school somewhat difficult; the teacher couldn't give him her full attention and Yixing often struggled to keep up while Luhan was whistling ahead. There was something familiar and safe about Yifan going through his workbooks with him, the elder knowing everything and explaining it all with the simplicity Yixing was used to.

Then there was the newer thrill of Yifan offering his hand to the younger boy whenever they left the confines of the school grounds, Yixing always clung to the elder intently as they weaved through streets to get to the familiar house. Yifan never seemed to mind the sweaty heat that passed between their fingers, if anything he held a little tighter. It made Yixing feel safe and almost invincible with no reasoning against that in his thoughts.

Yifan led Yixing up through the house, his longer legs taking two steps at a time while Yixing had to run behind to keep up, into his bedroom and they closed the door with a soft thud. It had become routine for the older to sit in his desk chair and for Yixing to clamber up onto his lap - the reasoning being that there was no second chair and the smaller had a knack of either falling asleep when they studied on the bed or running around with boundless amounts of energy. It made Yixing feel peaceful to have Yifan wrapped around his shoulders as the older boy explained what seemed to be a simple set of problems.

Yixing climbed up to the ten-year-old's lap, settling on the fleshy part of his thighs and lifting his bag up to pluck the first book out of it. There was a soft laugh from behind him when he saw Yifan take in the sight of the cover, which had both Yixing's and Luhan's drawings scribbled all over it.

"You spend all your time drawing instead of paying attention in classes, Xing-ah," Yifan chided but there was nothing serious in his tone. "Which page?"

"Seven," Yixing mumbled, his hands rubbing his eyes.

Yifan's thumbed through the pages and stopped on the page that was half filled in. It made Yixing upset that he couldn't keep up with the other students in his class and finish when they did. "The answers here are right, Xing-ah, well done."

The young boy was suddenly beaming, the praise had been what he needed to boost his confidence to push onwards and he felt that same warm feeling in his tummy that came about when his mother had done the same thing. There were a few more seconds of quiet before Yifan started speaking up again, teaching Yixing how to know which numbers were greater or less than each other. It confused the young boy, at first, as he struggled to pick the correct numbers when Yifan gave him two to compare, although that wasn't where it ended. They spent half an hour running it over, right until Yixing got every one correct and Yifan could praise him with endless talking of how hard working Yixing had been; it was motivating for the young boy and he slowly started to show off his abilities more.

Yifan never made Yixing feel as though he was behind where he should have been for his age, he had managed to make the young boy feel as though he was smart enough to work in his own right and never failed to praise that. Yixing could feel himself grow more tired as he looked at the numbers on his page, all of them hazing while his eyes began to droop and fall. His head turned to the side and settled into Yifan's neck, the older boy smelt like soap and the soft shampoo the three children used. There was a prevalent sense of security and belonging that was paired with the glow passing through his uniform and scent rushing up through his nose. It was far too difficult to escape the bounds of sleep and stay awake to do the next page of his workbook. He let the pulls of slumber encase him as his hand rose to steady himself on Yifan's chest.

The occurrence of Yixing falling asleep on the ten-year-old was in no sense rare nor regular, it just happened every so often. He never struggled to sleep when he was curled up around Yifan, no matter if they were touching or a metre apart in the room. There was a soft brume of repose about the elder's person that made Yixing want to snuggle deep into the depths of dormancy and remain there.

Waking up with Yifan reading or napping beside him in the bed was something that happened with equal recurrence. If Yixing fell asleep, then he would wake up with Yifan beside him in the bed, it was a given by the time it happened that day. It would have made Yixing panic and fret if the older boy had not been there, Yixing wasn't ready yet to sleep _alone_ in a bed that wasn't his own. That idea was far too daunting. There could have been monsters, like the ones Luhan talked about when it was raining, or Yixing could have fallen into a black-hole; he knew Yifan would protect him from those things. That was something he knew for certain.

Waking up when Luhan arrived home was normal for Yixing, his best friend pulling him to play with their toys and leave Yifan to do his big boy homework. The two six-year-olds had limitless amounts of energy, one of them fresh from a short but deep slumber and the other riding the high of playing his favourite sport. They were non-stop for hours on end, annoying Luhan's parents with questions of whether they could play with the toys in the living room and not in the smaller space of the younger son's bedroom. The adults, of course, relented when Yixing began to pout.

The night passed in a blur, the hours ticking by and Yixing grew more wary of the fact that Yifan hadn't yet come out of his bedroom since they had both woken up. That was something strange and even as a six-year-old, Yixing knew it. He waited for Luhan to need a bathroom break ahead of him clambering up two flights of stairs on his hands and feet, he opened Yifan's bedroom door with two hands and his eyes searched for the older boy.

"Fan-ge?" He called, his fingers unwrapping from the metallic handle.

"Yes, Xing-ah?" The older boy was nowhere to be seen and that worried Yixing.

"Why are you not playing?" Yixing felt his voice grow timid.

"I'm busy," Yifan dismissed, making Yixing pout enough that tears began to form in and fall from his eyes.

"Fan-ge always plays," Yixing argued back and he felt a hand on the top of his head, he turned around quickly to see Yifan in a night robe, his hair glistening wet.

"I'll come play soon," the elder promised, his thumbs dabbing at the fast dripping tears that clung to the smaller boy's eyelashes. "Do you want me to play?"

Yixing nodded, making Yifan smile the kind of smile that showed almost all his gums.

"Then, of course, I will come play."

When Yifan did make his way downstairs, the two smaller boys began to slow in their movements as the hyperactive energy faded away to nothing but exhaustion. Yixing's eyes were bleary and blinking slowly as Yifan entered, the taller boy sat between the smaller pair. They both immediately retreated towards Yifan, their fleshy cheeks pressing against the ten-year-old's shoulder as he plucked their toys from their lax hands. "What are we playing?"

"We are fighting," Luhan grumbled picking up a plastic dinosaur figurine to stroll across the floor towards his big brother and Yixing watched as Yifan brought his tiger toy down to fight with the Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

Yixing liked watching them play, the noises Yifan made had him giggling sleepily and Luhan was whining every time the older boy struck his toy. They seemed to know the way the other played well; when Yifan dove in with his tiger, Luhan would be sure to try and dodge it. They continued to wrestle with their figures for half an hour longer until Yixing was almost completely slumped against Yifan's body.

"Baby needs to go to bed," Luhan sighed, making Yixing try to open his eyes a little further but he failed miserably.

"Is he staying in your room, Han?" Yixing heard Yifan ask, his voice vibrating beneath his ear.

"Yes," the other boy responded, the sound of plastic touching plastic thudding slightly.

"No," Yixing whined, "Fan-ge."

"Yes?" Yifan hummed.

"Sleep with Fan-ge," he whimpered, his nose burying further into the hoody Yifan had hung over his shoulders.

"But you're supposed to stay in with me, Xing," Luhan quipped, the rustles of his best friend getting to his feet filling the air around the trio.

"No," he groaned, making Yifan sigh and stand up as he supported Yixing's full weight.

"You can both sleep in my bed with me," Yifan acquiesced, clearly wanting to soothe the two younger boys into not crying or throwing tantrums over the room arrangements. "Then we can all be together, Xing-ah can have his Lu-ge _and_ Fan-ge."

The youngest felt his centre of balance shift, Yifan lifting him up from the floor and his legs circled around the taller boy's waist instinctively. They all made their way upstairs, Yixing close to falling completely asleep against the wider chest and Luhan was singing a catchy song they'd heard on the radio during their lunch break. It was comfortable, warm and dulcifying. The three of them were piled into Yifan's bed, Yixing was by the wall and, after many arguments, Yifan slid into the middle of the mattress and Luhan behind him. Apparently, Luhan did not only love soccer while he was awake, it was also the theme of many of his dreams and Yifan claimed that he should sleep in the centre as a defence for Yixing against the other boy's kicking legs.

The youngest of the three edged his way towards Yifan, his small hands clinging to the elder boy's night shirt, Yifan seemed to freeze in his place before settling under the delicate grip that Yixing had on him. The three slept soundly, making Yixing snuggle deeper into the heat that was being shared betwixt all of them. In addition to that, Yifan's legs had come up to surround him and keep him firmly lulled in his place.

From that night onwards, whenever Yixing stayed over, the three boys always slept huddled together under Yifan's blankets. They were inseparable with the way they were together, Yifan taking on the older brother stance while the other two played around with each other. Months passed and soon Yixing had been coaxed well out of his shell by Luhan; the two were an unstoppable force of mischief that had become a source of happiness for Yixing. He didn't slip behind in the class, there was no way he could with Yifan tutoring him almost everyday after his lessons and it had made his parents delighted to see him so happy. It wasn't unusual for Yixing to stay with the Wu family most evenings and four of the seven nights in the week, as his parents both became busy during the work day. It was a struggle for Yixing to become accustomed to spending less time with his parents but the joyful playing of Yifan and Luhan never failed to excite him into forgetting all about his slight abandonment. Plus, it wasn't as is his parents forgot about him completely, they both showered and saturated him with love when they spent time together. Yixing soaked up every ounce of love like a dried sponge.

 

# ♤

 

Two years passed like that, Yixing grew into a confident eight-year-old who had acquired two brothers in Luhan and Yifan. The Wu parents claimed Yixing as their unofficial third child who displayed all the traits of both their son's entwined; Yixing loved basketball and History - much like Yifan. He resembled Luhan in his sense of humour and general actions across the board. The two younger boys had taken Yifan leaving Primary school and upgrading to Junior Middle school badly. There had been tears when Yifan had put on a new uniform and went to the building that was on the other side of the sports field that connected the two schools. It was an awkward transition for the parents too. They had to split off in two directions to drop and pick all three boys up, that was until Yifan had said he could just cut across the field and go to his school that way; the only helpful but muddy solution.

Yifan was to walk the two younger boys to school and collect them too since he was deemed old enough, while also having the ability to see his responsibility over the two younger boys. It became a steady routine that Yixing loved. He had a secret yearning for the days where Luhan would have his soccer practice, as it meant that Yixing could monopolise all of Yifan's time. He loved being able to chatter noisily to the older boy as they chased each other through the streets and held hands as they crossed roads, even the ones that had no cars. It was a habitual activity to clasp their fingers together as soon as they were close enough, Yifan not seeming to care when people his own age asked him why he would hold hands with an eight year old. The unflappable and simple response they always got was, "He's my little brother."

Those four words were enough to fill Yixing with liquid gold. He loved being Yifan's brother, it made him feel special that he was _chosen_ to be such a thing. It made Yixing dimple and Yifan display his proud gums in return.

"Fan-ge," the boy sang, making the taller look over to him questioningly, "I'm tired."

They both knew that Yixing wasn't in anyway exhausted or sleepy, his eyes sparkled under the sunlight and Yifan squeezed his hand pleasantly; their walking halting for Yifan to stoop down and let the smaller clamber up onto his back. His short arms draped around Yifan's neck, his legs squeezing on his hips to keep himself upright and that was when Yixing began to rest his head on Yifan's ever widening shoulders. The younger wasn't a particularly lazy child, it was just that he accepted any opportunity to cling closer to the older boy; Yixing had heard of people being left behind by their older friends and Yixing hadn't wanted that with Yifan. He had become closer over the years and it was difficult to think of days without Yifan being there to guide him through everything. It wasn't like he was dependent, but he thought that if he was left behind by his big brother, then he could be left behind by everybody.

The time where Yifan said no to playing with the two younger boys still hadn't come and he still readily let Yixing cuddle into him to go to sleep almost every time he slept over, which was a pleasant affirmation for Yixing.

However, their time was cut down ever slightly with Yifan joining his school's basketball team, which seemed to train early in the mornings and for an hour after school. Though, the latter wasn't much of a problem as Yixing took up learning to play the piano around the same time. Their sixty minute long sessions were no match for Luhan's two hour ones, the other boy having taken his sport more seriously at a younger age. Not that Yixing minded them all taking their own route, they all loved showing off their skills to one another when they reconvened. Yifan particularly loved to show Yixing trick shots he had learned in basketball and would almost always make the younger squeal as he lifted him up to get the ball in through the net. There was something about the way that they could all slip easily back into their routine that made everybody think Yixing was the third Wu child, he was always with the two older boys and they both coddled him up in love at any opportunity. Despite of how much Yixing seemed to enjoy playing around with them when they least expected it.

"Did you know there's a sleepover with our schools?" Yifan suddenly asked, making Yixing peer around to look at his face. "My teacher told me today, my class and the older classes from your school are going to do a big sleepover."

"Why?" was the first question that popped into Yixing's mind, despite the ever growing excitement to show his Fan-ge off to the other students in his class.

"My class is going to help at your sports day, so they think it would be good to bond," Yifan explained, which seemed to make slight sense in Yixing's head and he began to smile.

"Will _g_ _ege_ look after me?" He asked sweetly, prompting the elder to pretend to drop him - startling a screamed yelp from Yixing's mouth - but the smaller boy didn't touch the floor. He pursed his lips at the teasing, the same action he did when Luhan would hog all the blankets at night.

"Of course," Yifan laughed, which made Yixing's pout spread out into a smile.

Yifan carried him the rest of the way home, his arms shifting tiredly often but he never once told Yixing to walk on his own, which made the younger boy smile. It was a cooler day in the spring, the wind whipping them and Yixing was thankful for the contact while his coat was stuffed into his bag. He enjoyed playing around as Yifan plodded along the side of the road, his hands sometimes covering the walking boy's eyes and cheeping while Yifan tried to keep in a straight line. Yixing adored being around Yifan in those hours, the older boy taking care of him like a brother would. It made Yixing feel involved.

He was in Yifan's heart as a baby brother and Yixing knew that from the chocolate milk Yifan would sneak up to his bedroom for them to drink while Luhan kicked about in his dreams, when Yifan let him swaddle up in one of his coats or sweaters in the winter and how he would listen to a detailed recall of each of Yixing's dreams in the mornings. Yixing knew he had a best friend in Luhan, that boy had staked that claim on Yixing within their first day of meeting; most of him knowing he would never lose that. Nevertheless, he had something strong with Yifan too. He felt adored and cared for in the ways he had craved since he started school by the twelve-year-old, who hadn't once failed in being the main source of Yixing's succour.

Once they arrived back to the house, Yixing slowly got down from Yifan's lowered back and the smaller took the opportunity to push the taller boy's crouched form over with all the strength he had.

"I'm going to get you for that, Xing-ah," Yifan yelled playfully as he stood back up, the smaller boy skirting into the house to find his escape in Yifan's bedroom with a happy squeal leaving his lips. The elder boy chased him up the stairs and easily overcame Yixing's hard pushes to keep the door shut, he picked the younger up and took him to the bed to tickle him. Yixing's eyes blurred with tears as his giggles filled the room and Yifan's laughter layered over it.

    

# ♤ 

 

The school sleepover was fun for Yixing up until the words _night walk_ were uttered by the teachers, which made him flail internally and he could see his best friend obviously having the same dilemma. He held his hand out for Luhan to grip onto and the black haired boy did so readily, his shaking fingers making Yixing quiver at the idea of going outside when there was no light around.

"Can we find ge?" Luhan asked, his voice trembling. "I want Yifan."

Yixing agreed, his eyes searching through the sea of students to find the older of the three, it made his head swim when he failed to seek out the elder Wu. "I can't see him."

"He is here," Luhan assured, his height increasing as he rose up onto the tips of his toes.

Yixing felt relief flood through him when Yifan walked in to followed by a shorter male. "There he is."

Yixing let no time pass before he began to yank his friend through the other students towards their saviour, it was harder to push the bigger children out of the way, but Yixing didn't care as long as he could make it to Yifan's side before everybody started to file out of the large hall.

"Fan-ge!" He called, making the taller boy look over in their direction and follow the sound of Yixing's voice him until they finally met somewhere in the middle of the sports hall.

"There's a walk _outside_ ," Luhan whined, his whole body shaking with fear of the dark and Yixing nodded, he was equally as scared but hoped he didn't show it as much.

"In the dark?" Yifan looked out of the window and frowned, his gaze slipping back to the smaller boys.

"Yes," Yifan's frown dipped even further down.

"Kyungsoo," he said, making the two younger boys cock their head around in confusion but the taller was facing the boy he had walked in with, "I'll need to stay with these two tonight, you can come with us, if you'd like?"

The newest arrival made Yixing spark with an irritated feeling and he could feel it threading into his hands as Yifan's expression softened as he spoke.

"It's okay, I need to go find the others and then you can stay here with your little brothers," _Kyungsoo_ said, making Yixing feel that angry emotion ebb out of his body and become one of pure happiness. The boy knew that Yifan was Yixing's _gege_ and there was never a time that didn't make Yixing feel an overwhelming sense of love in his small chest.

Yifan waved his friend off, not taking more than a moment to give his full attention to the two eight-year-old boys and he did not miss a beat in separating their hands to hold in his own. The teachers called for all of the pupils to move out towards the doors and Yixing peered up to Yifan instantly in hopes that his fear would dissipate as soon as he took in the countenance of the tall boy. "Fan-ge, I'm scared."

Luhan let out a high pitched whine as they shuffled towards the exit everybody was leaving through, Yifan's arms shifting to lay one over Luhan's shoulder and the other around Yixing's waist to pull him in closer from where he had coasted away slightly.

"It's only a little dark," Yifan reassured, making Yixing huff out because he wasn't afraid of the dark, rather it was a fear of what was _in_ the dark. Yet, it helped that Yixing was pressed so closely to Yifan's side that he could hear his heart thumping away in a steady pace. It showed Yixing that Yifan wasn't scared, even if there were vampires and werewolves lurking around every dark corner of the world. (At least in Yixing's mind, anyway.)

They all followed the horde of other students, none of the older and younger groups mixing but Yixing barely noticed as he waited for his eyes to adjust to leaving the building. He was handed a flashlight by a teacher and Luhan was too, Yifan only being praised for interacting with the younger students in such a caring way. The older woman evidently not knowing of the relationship the stern looking twelve-year-old shared with them both.

They made their way across the playing fields towards a small forest - one every student at both schools knew like the back of their hands but in the dark, it seemed forbidden and dangerous. Even with torches illuminating the way, there was poor visibility and Yixing jumped every time something as small as a leaf moved in its place. It had him plastered completely to Yifan's side, his chest pressed up against Yifan's ribs as they stepped over roots and other shrubbery.

Luhan's beam from his flashlight was quivering all over the place and Yifan had taken it from his hand to give them a little more stability in holding the device. Yixing's grip was a little more steady but his eyes weren't focussing on what was ahead, preferring looking up at Yifan to get that feeling of safety he always sought from the elder over anything else. It was what he felt to be a sweet gesture but it had made him more clumsy when walking, which had meant Yifan scolded him every time he stumbled.

It was difficult to enjoy the walk while the two boys were terrified out of their minds for the whole hour, their legs growing more tired as they circled back towards the school and made their way into the classrooms which had been moved around to accommodate their makeshift beds. Yifan dropped the two younger boys off at the door, promising to see them first thing in the morning and the two little boys had whined about wanting to stay with Yifan. Luhan ran with the fact that he was still in a state of shock from being out in the familiar turned unknown for so long. Yixing, on the other hand, struggled because he needed Yifan to be able to sleep. He didn't want to reveal that secret just yet and retreating over the fact that nobody would be there to comfort and coax him into the depths of slumber.

"Xing-ah," Luhan whispered as they waited for a sink to brush their teeth at in the bathroom, "Can we go and find _gege_?"

"The big kids are in other rooms," Yixing reminded him.

"But I want Fanfan," the boy grumbled, his hands fisting around the toothpaste tube they were sharing that night.

"Me too," Yixing admitted shakily, making Luhan lean on his shoulder.

"Will you keep me safe?" The older of the two mumbled, it was quiet enough that Yixing felt his heart plummet for his best friend.

"I can try," Yixing tried to sound as confident as Yifan was when he checked for monsters around the bedroom before they all went to sleep at night.

"Thank you," Luhan buried his head into Yixing's nape, their arms wrapping around each other as a silent vouch to make each other feel better in Yifan's absence.

That plan had been perfect in theory, Yixing caring for his Lu-ge - who was really afraid of the dark and not just what lurked in it - seemed like a great idea until Yixing felt something touch his foot in the night. That had triggered the waterworks from both boys, their screeches of fear and irrationality filling the room, causing the still awake teacher to take them out into an office which was placed at the end of a hallway. They were snotty messes of incoherency as the man tried to soothe them into calming down, his assurances that there were no monsters lingering in the room trying to take them away failed and only made them sob louder as they thought of being parted from one another.

It was in the hiccuped sigh in a snap moment of composure that Luhan had expressed a want for his older brother, that they would be fine if they had their Fan-ge. Howbeit, the male teacher seemed reluctant to wake the older boy up from where he seemed to be peacefully resting amongst his friends. Yixing cringed as Luhan's crying turned to something like anger. His whirlwind tantrum of demanding Yifan was enough to have the teacher deciding that waking up one boy was better than having a yelling eight-year-old wake up the rest of the cohort and begin a mass bawling session that nobody was equipped for.

It was seven minutes later of what felt to be an eternity that Yifan appeared, drowsy and incredibly cute looking, in the doorway. The two small boys did not seem to have any issue with stumbling towards the twelve year old and using him to help placate their fears instantly. They came down from their fear driven high quickly as Yifan brought them both into his chest and told them how monsters would not be able to get them while they were in the school, it was apparently a monster free zone.

After a quick talk with the teacher, Yifan had managed to persuade him to let them all stay in the office together after Yifan went to grab the blankets from his own sleeping area. The adult seemed sceptical until he witnessed how easily the two smaller boys went down with Yifan to sleep on the floor, the smaller bodies bracketing the larger one as they discovered a sense of _home_ being near him. Yixing felt sleep slowly fall over him as he took in how familiar Yifan smelt and that he could feel the warm beaming from Yifan's body to his slightly colder one; he assumed for Luhan to be the same as they drifted into a safe slumber.


	2. Crescive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early Adolescence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part involves underage masturbation, you have been warned. :)

Being twelve had its advantages for Yixing, he had become so used to being in the Wu household that he had been granted a front door key, when Luhan had been entrusted with his own, and there was even a wardrobe with his clothes inside. He hadn't moved in with the family, he had just begun to spend almost every free hour he had there instead of being at home alone. His parents had both been recruited for different jobs which were too busy for them to devote the time they felt Yixing deserved, it had meant that home just wasn't _home_ anymore. Yixing hadn't been upset over that matter, he knew that his mother and father were working hard to give him the life they wanted to; it was never a sore subject between the three of the Zhang family. Yixing wasn't rejected of abandoned, as he had first thought when he was a little younger. He was the driving force for his parents and he enjoyed being the one to encourage then when they felt disheartened for leaving him. Their Sunday family dinners were where they all reconvened and found themselves acting like they used to when Yixing was younger.

The minor issue that came with being twelve was that Yixing didn't have his own bedroom in the house he spent his weeks in, Luhan and Yifan taking the two rooms on the top floor of the house and their parents taking the master bedroom on the middle floor. It had meant room switching for many months at a time; Yixing and Luhan's squabbles landing him in with Yifan and then back again when Yifan claimed that he needed some _alone_ time at night. Yixing didn't mind the shift from one room to another, as he found himself enjoying the company of both boys equally.

The major complication that came with being twelve was his emotional awareness. He had found that the shift from meeting Luhan and Yifan six years prior was that he was conscious of the fact that the way he felt for both boys was completely different. Luhan's excitable and impish attitude as what kept Yixing's life starting anew with fresh plans of humorous terror. Yifan, on the other hand, was everything else. He was the presence that had Yixing's face flushing with intense red and eyes casting down shyly at every kind action; his heart hammered in his chest whenever Yifan threw him a childishly gummy smile. The realisation of this crush had ruined Yixing's feelings for life over a month long period.

He couldn't bear to look Yifan in the eye or speak to Luhan about what was bothering him; he was supposed to have a brotherly kind of love for the eldest boy and the fact that he didn't scared him to his wit's end. There was no way he could discredit the feelings he felt when they became familiar and regular, he had found his first crush in the boy who had labelled him strictly as a younger brother.

However, it was difficult to shirk the tremor and nerves that came with being alone with Yifan, the older boy's had grown more intense with age and was everything Yixing could imagine people would fawn over. Yifan had been granted the sharp jut of cheekbones, a boldly cutting jawline and the height of a male god, much to Yixing's heart's detriment.

The main dilemma Yixing had was when Yifan had developed an overwhelmingly strong yet alluring scent of black pepper and ginseng. It was so ridiculously intoxicating for the preteen that he felt dizzy enough to giggle endlessly at the barely funny jokes Yifan loved to tell him in the dead of night. He would feel the scent linger on his clothes whenever Yifan merely brushed past him and it pushed him further into the depths of insanity. It made everything an obstacle to tackle when Yifan was watching.

Yixing's attempt at ' _avoid Yifan until the feelings go_ ' had fallen flat after he managed to pick the tiniest of fights with Luhan over why Yixing had been acting so out of character in recent times. The younger appeared stressed whilst having nothing to worry about (in Luhan's blinded eyes). It had resulted in his best friend commanding him to leave him alone and go in to stay with Yifan for that night, Yixing had been scared to enter the oldest boy's room because he knew that's where his scent settled in its most powerful form.

Yixing had crept down the stairs with a blanket, avoiding the creaking step on the second flight, to find the large corner sofa waiting invitingly for him. He crawled on top of the plush suede and wrapped himself up in the thick blanket; he already knew he would be warm enough with just the imitation fur throw with the Wu household temperature never dipping or increasing from a firm 23 degrees. The pillows, all stitched with patterns were always plumped and fluffed up to optimum sleeping size were heaven. Yixing had found his safe haven from the equally but differently aggravating brothers.

He had wanted to spend the night there, laying in his warm cocoon of blanket as the moon faded and the sun rose. His hopes and dreams of such luckiness were dashed by a shift in his position on the sofa, he hadn't heard the sigh of relief or firm arms wrap around him until he was extracted from the seat cushions. The faux animal skin blanket fell to the floor in a snowflake light flutter as Yixing's carrier took him from the living room and over to the stairway, he blinked slowly as he roused to a more awake state but didn't even need to be fully conscious to know who was cradling him. Black pepper and ginseng was hard to miss, the earthly sweet but slightly bitter scent was flooding up into Yixing's mind and telling him that Yifan's unique smell was what was rubbing itself all over him.

"Why did you kick him out?" the deep voice below Yixing's ear rumbled.

"I tried to find out what's wrong with him and he got defensive," Luhan's younger, sweeter voice rang.

"I told you that I would talk to him," Yifan sighed loudly after speaking, a short pause settling between them for a little while. "You know he doesn't like burdening people with his problems. Maybe he misses his parents, they did call off their Sunday dinner yesterday."

Luhan grumbled about Yixing having been different for more days than he could count, far longer than the three day period where he had been ever so slightly let down by his parents' cancellation. Yifan seemed to silence the smaller boy without speaking, taking Yixing down the hall to his own bedroom rather than taking him to Luhan's. There was something about the idea of Yifan wanting to be the one to comfort him that made his stomach melt into something too gooey to contain the butterflies he'd anticipated; he let his head settle on Yifan's chest until the rhythmic thumping was all he could hear in his ear.

There were the soft thudding steps as Yifan's feet met the soft carpet of his bedroom, his long legs striding easily across to his bed where he laid the younger down in his regular spot by the side of the wall. Yifan's single bed creaked as he slipped in beside the shorter boy, he had long since stopped cuddling Yixing when they slept in the same bedroom - after Yixing had started to sleep on a worn mattress that was slid under Yifan's bed. It was strange for the sixteen year old to be so close but Yixing's scent clouded mind didn't have it in him to move away from the warmth he craved so much.

"Xingxing-ah," Yifan whispered, the younger fearful that Yifan knew he was awake but the elder continued to stroke his hair back. "Why won't you tell your _gege_ why you're so distant? Do you want me to worry about you this much? My heart was going to stop when Luhan came in to look for you and you weren't here; you don't talk to me about anything anymore and I don't know how to look after you if you don't talk. What kind of brother am I if I can't even protect you?"

Yixing had felt the molten churning in his tummy halt, Yifan's words of brotherly love cutting him short in his affections and making his chest freeze over. He wanted to curl in the opposite direction from where Yifan was touching him, the elder's arms coiled around him as if to shield against anything that could hurt him and Yixing had felt distantly aware of the irony. Yifan was wanting to defend Yixing but his unrequited crush on his protector was the thing that pained him the most.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing's piano lessons had quickly become a major part of his life, his teacher and this student helper were two people that Yixing looked up to with such intent that he never really wanted to do much else as a hobby. He still enjoyed when Yifan taught him basketball tricks and when Luhan would pull him along to watch him play soccer on Saturday mornings. Ever yet, Yixing's main love was running his fingers over ivory and coal black keys. There was something in creating something by yourself or watching somebody else piece their music together with such care, he connected with that more than dribbling or kicking a ball. It had given Yixing a strong sense of rhythm and purpose, his hands could move easily about the eighty-eight keys that stretched out in front of him.

It helped Yixing immerse himself in thinking about everything but the inner turmoil he had with his crush on Yifan. There was a still atmosphere when notes and chords resonated in the air, bouncing from surface to surface until it reflected everything Yixing couldn't say. His teacher often said that while his music had incredible emotional depth, it showed nothing but an echoing sadness - everything nobody would have expected from such a young preteen. He was often told to write something happier, to develop his understanding of contributing other senses of expression in his compositions or in the way he played the sheet music his teacher handed him. The twelve year old often tried to shift his insecurities out of his music, it just hadn't quite arisen to anything yet.

"Yixing," a soft female voice called, making him turn away from the face of his piano and look up at her with widened eyes, "you're staying here late today, my lesson just finished."

"Zhang Ziyi-jie," Yixing greeted, scrambling to stand and bow to her as quickly as he possibly should. "I am waiting for my _gege_ to finish his practice, then we will be going home together."

"Wu Yifan-ge, is your _gege_ , right?" She questioned making Yixing nod his head slowly. "He's in my class."

Yixing knew that the student helped in his pianist lessons was in Yifan's class, his _ge_ had told him that after he'd shown him his piano lesson roster at the beginning of the year. He had said how she was one of the best music students at their school and that she would be a fountain of knowledge for Yixing to feed from, it made Yixing happy to see that he had been paired with such a great elder. He hoped it was a reflection on his capabilities, that his teacher had seen him improve so much that one of the advanced students should have been paired with him, it made the young boy nervous to meet her at first. However, he had been pleasantly surprised to find her to be a softly spoken girl with the most caring of attitudes. She had aided him in excelling in composing, rather than just reciting some of the more complex pieces Yixing had been given. 

"I know, Fan-ge told me," Yixing smiled softly, making Ziyi look at him with a tender smile.

"Is he really your brother? I don't mean to pry but you don't have the same last name," Yixing looked at the girl and considered his response for a while, numerous answers wrapping around his tongue and he tried to pry out the most suitable one. 

"He is but we are not blood-related," Yixing smiled, his cheeks clouding with blood as he tried to repel the flutter in his heart when Yifan was mentioned. "We have been brothers for six years, his actual brother is my best friend." 

"Ah, so you're brothers by choice," Ziyi nodded her head in understanding. Yixing laughed a little, pondering whether or not he could ask her for advice in his crush situation but there was a chance of her picking fault in it. "You're so cute when you blush."

Her lilting giggle made Yixing's lips open in shock, his mind trying to register the words and she pinched his cheek softly.

"I can see why your _gege_ s would pick you," she was smiling widely enough that her eyes creased and Yixing couldn't help but return it, his face reddening ever more at her words. "You would be such a cute _didi_."

She reverted their conversation back to the piano swiftly after that point, showing him new chord progressions she had learned in her lessons recently, the young boy tried to keep up and appreciated it when she slowed her movements to demonstrate everything clearly to him. They played together with bouts of joyous teasing in between, the older girl making Yixing blush with every compliment she gave his technique or composing abilities; even though they were far less than her own. She had found it endearing how Yixing would always ensure to call her _Jiejie_ when referring to anything she did. It was an easy friendship, one Yixing hadn't had with a girl before and he had found it utterly endearing whenever she said she'd wished for a younger brother like him. 

Their session was only interrupted by a clear knock on the door frame and Yixing looked around to see Yifan waiting in his basketball kit, "Fan-ge, is it time to go home?"

"Yes, Xing-ah," Yifan hummed, making the younger male stand up from the stool to collect his bags.

"Yifan-ge," Ziyi waved slightly at the tall male but Yifan seemed to just graze his eyes over her. 

"Hurry up, Xing, Han and Dad are waiting in the car," Yifan urged the small boy on, making his hands fumble over one another until he began dropping more things than putting them into his bag.

Ziyi moved forward to help him, picking up the fallen items and placing them into his backpack with him, their hands knocking as they moved as swiftly as they could. Yixing found himself giggling and blushing along with her. It made Yixing want to retreat shyly from her, his ability to make a fool of himself in front of those he looked up to was completely embarrassing.

" _Yixing_ ," Yifan called, causing the boy to scramble up and bow at the girl admiringly.

Yifan clutched at Yixing's hand as he yanked him down the hallway. The corridor was empty, the lights at one end having been turned out and only the ones guiding the way to the exit shined brightly off the linoleum. Yixing could feel Yifan's long fingers digging into his wrist, making the skin ache and feel the burning sensation of the flesh twisting slightly.

"Ge, you're hurting my wrist," he bit out, his shyness disappearing into a sea of annoyance at the elder boy. "Let me go, I know the way."

"You're not moving fast enough," the taller boy growled.

"It is not my fault that you've got longer legs than me, one of your steps is like three of mine," his huffing tone only relaxed when Yifan released his vice hold on his arm. "Dad knows how far my practice room is from the entrance, he knows we won't immediately get to the car."

"Dad _needs_ to go home early to get out for that dinner he told us about," Yifan looked back to Yixing, who had begun to jog slightly to keep up with the older boy. "If you remember?"

"Of course I do," Yixing squabbled back, the guilt from having forgotten settling in deeply into his stomach. "I was just practising with _Jiejie_ for a little longer."

Yifan didn't say anymore, stalking the rest of the way out of the school, down to where the car was waiting in a space in front of the main office. There was the gentle sound of footsteps beating behind Yixing's head, causing him to look around and see Ziyi dashing towards him in her uniform and her bag lazily slung over her shoulder.

"Yixing-ah," she called, making him stop in his place to pay her attention, "you dropped this." She was holding the sheet music he had been working on, his own ugly penmanship sided with her more refined character writing. "This looks like it will sound great, don't lose it."

He smiled at her, bowing deeply as he accepted the paper from her delicate looking hands, they exchanged a smile before Yixing heard Yifan shout his name one more time over. The young boy waved another goodbye at his senior and she encouraged him to make his way to the car; where a sweaty Luhan was waiting for him in the back seat.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing was humming numbly when Luhan pulled a set of bowls out a floor level cupboard, he lined them all out and Yixing began to pour different snacks into them, "Are you sure you've got the drinks?"

"Yes, Han," Yixing whistled, carefully trying to make the contents of every dish evenly full. "They're chilling in the fridge."

"Good," Luhan looked behind Yixing's head at the black clock hung over the sink. "They will be here in around half an hour, I think."

"You did say half five, so I would think so," the younger checked the time too, seeing the larger hand crawling around to the twelve indented into the clock face. "Should we pull the duvets out now to make a fort now? Or later?"

"We should do it now," the older of the two responded with a smile. Yixing placed the mix of sweets and chocolate down on the counter before running up to the third floor where the airing cupboard was beside Yifan's bedroom door.

He pulled on the linen covered blankets to draw them out until they pooled around his feet. There were too many to carry but Yixing had already thought of a great plan, he stood at the top of the stairs and threw each comforter down them with as much force as he could. It looked like a feathery heaven awaiting him but he followed them down, repeating the action when he came to the second set of stairs. He could hear Luhan giggling at his actions but Yixing didn't mind so much. "Need a hand, Xing-ah?" A deep voice asked behind him, the spoken words coming from the direction of the study on the second floor.

"No, I'm okay," Yixing smiled at Yifan's helpful query. "Thank you, ge."

"Be careful, though," the elder warned, Yixing's eyes barely moving away from his blanket mound awaiting him.

Yixing carried the last couple down by hand, making course for the living room and placing them all in a folded pile beside the sofa in waiting for when their guests arrived. It was a Friday night, Luhan's soccer friends coming over for a small sleepover to signify the start of their playing season. Yixing had offered to go back to his parents' house to give his friend room to bond with his favourite teammates but Luhan had insisted that Yixing join them, to maybe help widen the younger's social circle but Yixing wasn't fussed about his close-knit group of two close friends in the Wu brothers.

That didn't mean that Yixing wasn't nervous as the doorbell buzzed for the first of two times in the evening, Luhan's voice raising happily to greet his friend and guide him into where Yixing was waiting for them.

"This is my brother, Yixing," Luhan introduced. "He's the one that comes to watch us sometimes."

"I remember you," the boy smiled widely, "I am Kim Minseok."

"Nice to meet you," Yixing bowed politely, making the new arrival look at Luhan questioningly, the bowing twelve-year old's politeness taking him aback somewhat.

They didn't have to wait long until there was somebody new at the door, the two next guests turning up at the same time. It made Yixing's nervousness dissipate as he recognised one of the boys as somebody who went to the same music department as him.

"These two are Jongin and Jongdae," Luhan beamed, Yixing bowing once more before the four soccer buddies descended into a long chat about their upcoming game. It gave Yixing the chance to slip away, shuffling up the stairs on his hands and feet until he reached the top; he lifted his hand to knock at the study door and Yifan called out his permission to enter. The younger walked in and stood behind where Yifan was working on the black-keyed laptop, the word document covered in characters showing itself on the screen.

"Luhan's friends are here."

"Ah, I see," Yifan shifted over in the seat until there was enough room on the seat for him to sit half on the cushion and half on the older boy's lap. "I'll be leaving soon then."

"Do you have to go?" Yixing whined, his voice creating the need for Yifan ruffle his hair.

"Nobody wants their big brother getting in the way of their night long giggle fest," Yifan laughed. "Plus, I'm going to a party. So it would be best if I am not here to embarrass Han."

"Can I come too?" The boy whined.

"Nope, big boys only, Xing-ah," Yifan patted his head, making a gentle blush fluff up onto the apples of his cheeks. "I would take you if I could, but my room is free for you to stay in if things become too much for you. I know you've not exactly been happy for the past few weeks or so. Don't feel pressured to stick around if you just want to be alone."

They fell into silence, Yixing's heart hammering as he moved closer to Yifan to become more comfortable on his widened chest. He watched Yifan type out his homework intently, some of the characters were unknown or in combinations Yixing had never seen before, but with the way Yifan was muttering the sentences aloud, Yixing was slowly grasping the subject of his written work. He could feel that sleepiness he always got when Yifan worked crept up on him, making his eyes feel heavier as the seconds passed into minutes. The elder's concerned words echoed in his mind, placing that ever familiar sense of false hope into his stomach.

He probably would have slept had Luhan not coming bounding into the room and begun to demand that Yixing go downstairs with his friends because Yixing was the fifth in their 'fabulous quintet'.

Yixing left Yifan with a gentle goodbye, his crush weakened heart could barely handle the softness in Yifan's eyes as he drew away.

Luhan's friends, as it turned out, were like extensions of his best friend. They all shared traits Yixing adored in the youngest Wu brother; Jongdae embodying the comedic nature that Luhan did, Minseok having tastes in almost everything and then Jongin just seemed to be the _happy-go-lucky_ type. They all accepted Yixing easily, treating him in almost the same way as they did Luhan and nobody seemed to question his presence in the room. It was a couple more hours before Yifan popped his head into the room to tell them that he was leaving, his friend's mother picking him up to head to his party and Yixing still found his chest aching to go with the older boy.

The younger boys, with Luhan's mother in the kitchen, began to play games Yixing never had done so before. Their questions of truth or dare made his palms sweat nervously, the other boys seemed to have been sticking to the rules of being honest and carrying out the mildly embarrassing tasks. Yixing had not liked the clause implemented by Jongdae that you could not choose truth more than three times in a row, neither could you do the same with dare. Yixing had much preferred doing the simple dares; things like eating a spoonful of coffee granules, yelling mildly offensive things out of the window (which had ended in slight chastisement from Luhan's mother) and replacing the sugar with table salt in the small pot that sat beside the kettle. Yixing could feel Luhan eyeing him each time he said _dare_ and the both of them knew that Yixing would have always chosen truth, if he had not had something to hide.

That knowledge was what Yixing had dreaded from his best friend, his biggest secret always resting on the tip of his tongue to spill at any time the subject was pushed. It made Yixing's clammy hands grow wetter as it fell to be his turn once more.

Luhan, being Luhan, volunteered to be Yixing's questioner because he knew what to ask and when.

"Yixing, do you have a crush?" The three newcomers looked at him with glee, their eyes shining at the thought of getting something really juicy out of one of their players. Especially Jongdae, the one who Yixing had seen around the music department.

"Uh," he stalled, debating the lie of saying _no_ in his head but then he resigned himself to staying true to the game. "Yes, I do."

The four boys mumbled between themselves as Yixing's face covered itself with red splodges of anxiety. "Who is it?"

"They're older," he sighed, "I wouldn't have a chance."

Yixing did not want to answer that question, however, he still didn't want to deceive his closest friend and the new people who had come into his life. Jongdae, in contrast, seemed to have a bold light bulb moment. "It's Zhang Ziyi- _jiejie_ , isn't it?!"

Yixing stared dumbly at the kitten mouthed boy, watching as he whittled off a list of times Yixing had been caught blushing, giggling or staring at the older girl. This seemed to plant a seed in Luhan's head, who reminded Yixing of the time he had come out of the school late because he was too busy talking to Ziyi. Yixing had wanted to argue that his crush _was not_ Zhang Ziyi. Yet, the allure of having his crush covered for seemed to overtake his need of honesty, he nodded when the question was pressed again and all the boys were calling out about how Yixing had good taste in girls.

The conversation flipped over to talking about the female student body of their schools, which made Yixing feel a little uncomfortable because he hadn't once found any girl appealing in that manner. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears as he realised that the one he had a crush on was _male._ Not a girl or woman, a boy. It made his nerves stand on end as Luhan dug for Yixing's approval on his viewpoint of some of the prettier girls in their class, his best friend was like a spitfire with a loaded gun while talking about girls. In a stark contrast, Yixing was lost.

He began to doubt the validity of his feelings for Yifan because none of the four other boys said anything about being attracted to people of the same gender. It was a massive struggle for Yixing not to talk about it and dodge questions about how many girls he had kissed or if he had made a move on Ziyi yet. It made him uncomfortable and insecure.

There were few times in Yixing's life where he wished he was different, the last major time had been his first weeks of school and that sense of loneliness fell over onto him again. He _shouldn't_ like other boys, was what the chatting had implied and Yixing found himself escaping up to Yifan's room before the film they had begun to watch finished.

He crept under the thick duvet, letting the strong scent that thickly coated Yifan's pillow soothe him into trying to fight the tears that bubbled up in his eyes. Try as he might, he could not do a thing to stop the watery onslaught, the tirade of sobs choking out of his mouth and filling the room with the strong sounds of brokenness. If he had been sure that his crush on somebody, who was supposed to be like his brother, was wrong then he was suddenly certain of the fact.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing's first time getting an erection he couldn't shake came when he was thirteen. He found himself growing scared as he slept beside Yifan in the single bed, his heart thundered while he knew there was no way to escape the snippet of hell he was caught in. He had never had an issue with willing moments of hardness away, his lack of knowledge in touching himself became evident as he looked at the erection beneath his pyjama trousers. It quickly became like a painful ache between his legs. He knew could not get past Yifan without waking the other boy but he just didn't know how exactly to make it go away. He steeled himself as he raised a hand to shake Yifan's shoulder at that ridiculously early time of the morning.

The elder took a while to rouse, his deep gravelly voice asking Yixing what was wrong grated a sense of pleasure through Yixing's body in an embarrassing way. He did not know of any words to explain his situation to the seventeen-year-old without wanting to burst into tears. He could feel his eyes watering as he opened his mouth up, Yifan's concern growing tenfold as he sat up to look down at the younger boy. The light coming in through the curtains seemed to show his sweaty forehead and Yifan's hand settled right on his brow, his fingers brushed through the damp tendrils of his hair before he spoke.

"What's wrong, Yixing?" Yifan worried, his free hand beginning to fan the inexplicably hot boy.

Yixing felt overwhelmed, almost as if he was choking on Yifan's scent and presence, the next sentence made him flash in nervousness but he knew it had to be said, "It's so hard."

The elder looked perplexed, "What's hard?"

" _It_."

Yifan's eyes skirted down Yixing's body, his eyes lingering at Yixing's midriff confusingly and suddenly his eyes were wide with shock. The elder darted out of the bed, stumbling into his en-suite and flicking the light on. "Yixing, do it in here."

Said boy fumbled to stand up, Yifan's frantic movements looking through drawers to pull something out to hand over to him making him spectate awkwardly. The younger accepted the slimy bottle readily but looked at it with a confused frown, completely unaware of _how_ he would use the liquid to help himself.

"Yifan," he mumbled nervously, just as the older boy turned away to go back into the bedroom. "I don't know _how_."

"Just do what you normally do then," Yifan sounded somewhat frightened of what was being implied.

"I haven't ever," Yixing whispered, making Yifan whip his head around to gape at the younger boy. " _I don't know how._ "

Yifan looked as embarrassed by the whole debacle as Yixing felt, the older boy closed the door and left Yixing feeling slightly dejected in the bathroom on his own. That was up until he heard a slightly firmer tone of Yifan's sleepy voice, "I'll talk you through it, okay."

Yixing felt his body dribble with fear, the sheer mortification that Yifan - _his crush_ \- was going to be aiding him through the whole panic inducing shenanigan.

"Xing, I need you to sit down on the closed toilet lid," Yifan hummed, making the younger follow his instruction easily. "Take _it_ out - are you doing this, Yixing?"

"Ye-Yes," he stuttered, his face blooming entirely in pink from his boiling blood and not just shyness.

"Okay," there was an awkward pause, enough to make Yixing think that Yifan had backed out of teaching him how to deal with his _hard_ situation. However, the elder began to speak more softly than he had been doing before, "I need you to open that bottle and squeeze a small amount into your hand. More than you would hand sanitizer but less than you would shampoo, all right?"

Yixing did as he was told, trying to get the amount Yifan had been referring to right in his hand and then he made a noise of confirmation to the older boy.

"Now, rub your hands together to coat the palms in the liquid, if they don't run easily over each other then put a little more of the lube on and if there's too much, wipe it away with a small bit of tissue." Yifan began sounding a tad more confident in what he was saying and Yixing had a difficult time not thinking about how many times Yifan could have done _this_ before. "You're right handed, so hold _it_ at the base with your right hand. Be careful not to squeeze too hard or it will hurt but be firm enough to feel it. Okay, Xing?"

Yixing did so, his hand gently clasping around the base of his erection and he could not do anything to stop the whimpered moan from leaving his lips, he was sure he could hear Yifan awkwardly laugh but he ignored that in favour of just repeatedly squeezing at the hilt of his cock and relishing in the sensations it brought. He wondered if his member would be engulfed by Yifan's larger hands if he was to do that to him, making his eyes widen in shock as he tried to rid those thoughts from his head.

"Now keep that grip," Yifan said, Yixing once again obeying, "drag your hand up without letting go," Yixing cried out at the stimulating sensation and there was another awkward silence as he whined out. "Bring it back down."

"Yifan, it feels too good," he worried, as he tried to stifle the noises his chest was attempting to push out. "I can't."

"You can, Xing," he heard the other assure. "Trust me."

Those last two words had Yixing's erection throbbing in his hand, his want for Yifan to touch him increasing tenfold, "I'm scared."

His soft admitting to what he was feeling made the elder's audible sigh drift through the door. "I'm here, okay? Just do as I say and it will feel better."

Yixing continued with his pumping action, his brow furrowing in concentration as he felt the shock waves of pleasure echo through his entire body. Even he knew that what he was doing felt too slow but Yifan had not yet told him to speed up, or stop, which drove in the sense of torture. Not only were the touches barely enough, they were being dictated to him by the person he had been crushing on for almost three years.

"Speed it up a little, Xing," Yifan advised, his voice carrying over the sound of his soft keens. "Squeeze the base a few times when you get to it, that will make it feel better."

Yixing's next moan, caused by both the deep tones of Yifan's words and the sensations between his legs, made his fingers were shaking as he jerked himself. Yixing's free hand was gripping on his own knee, he had his fist clenched so tightly that it began to feel like his nails were digging directly into his sweat-soaked palm.

"If you want it to feel like there is something more, use your left hand to brush over your nipples," Yixing made a choking noise as the suggestion, which ripped a laugh from Yifan. "I know it sounds strange but remember to trust me."

He lifted his hand to where his pink nipples had begun to point out under his shirt, the slight touch making them sensitive to the pressure. Yixing's next groan was something he was sure sounded lewd, it was high pitched and full of arousal induced weakness.

"Pinch them, Xing," Yifan's voice remained level, not one ounce of excitement creeping into it and he found himself being turned on by the normalcy of the other's voice. It was something familiar doing something utterly new, the unknown ricocheting through Yixing's body as his fingers skidded beneath his shirt and tweaked at the small peaks. His hand, the one wrapped around his cock, began to move so fast and forcefully that thudding noises could be heard in the room.

He was certain that Yifan could hear it on the other side but he found his ability to care slip away as he felt something coiling up within him. There were fire and heat everywhere and Yixing was hyper aware to Yifan telling him to keep the pace up and to keep touching his chest. His head nodded as the older man's instructions filtered in as lewd instructions. He was sure that nothing could feel better until Yifan's next step in his recipe for sexual gratification. "Dip your thumb into the slit at the tip."

Yixing had never felt a sensation like it, he pressed his thumb into the place where Yixing could liquid pulsing out of, his thumb being coated int the substance but it wasn't long before it felt like _too much_. Enough for him to let go of his shaft completely until the throbbing feeling subsided and he started up again, he gave into the temptation to touch the tip again and he did so in a fleeting caress. His hips began to buck upwards, lusting for more contact and he was thinking of Yifan's hands on him again; the need for more flooding into him and rocketing up his body.

There were a few moans between when Yixing felt the pressure within him trying to escape and when he could feel his balls tightening more and more, until the moment a feeling hit him like a freight train from almost every direction. He felt something surge upwards and the shock of his orgasm raced into him, he came hard over himself. The white fluid spurted up onto his shirt, the pulsing feeling in his cock making him feel each lingering flick of his wrist. Everything came in waves, the overwhelming rush to the comedown. He had to pause to catch his breath with his body gushing with overwhelming consciousness as he found himself grounding. His knees, while still weak with numerous sensations, straightened out as he tried to regain something a little more solid in them.

He tried to wipe his shirt with a tissue as best as he could once he had pulled up his underwear and pyjama trousers, his fingers numbly moving on their own accord and he could feel his grip trembling around the soft material. He flushed the tissue down the toilet and washed his hands, hoping to clear his skin from the stickiness and slickness that cover it. He washed his face with one of the cleansers Yifan had lined next to his sink, the foam helping to relax him before he rinsed it away. Only then did he look at himself properly in the mirror.

His cheeks were refreshingly flushed with a cherry blossom shade, his eyes were glazed like orbs of dark opal and his shirt was stained the whole way up with drying whiteness. It was something he hadn't ever seen on himself before and he pondered whether or not that was what it was like to be debauched. His hair was matted to his forehead, his sweat dribbling down his temple but he felt looser, as though something had broken free from the confines it was kept in.

Yixing took more breaths in as he opened the door, Yifan's shoulder coming into view as the elder male stumbled as the lack of the door supporting him. Yifan looked nervous, scared almost, and Yixing tried to stop his face from darkening even more than usual.

"I need a new shirt," Yixing whispered, suddenly aware that Yifan's bedroom door had been open the whole time and the older male shuffled off towards his wardrobe. He seemed to bypass the small bundle of Yixing's clothes that were folded up in the drawers to pull a shirt from a hanger. It looked about three sizes too big for the twelve-year-old, but Yixing didn't really mind. The material had not yet been doused in Yifan's scent and smelt purely of the detergent everybody in the house's clothes were washed in. The powdery freshness lingered as Yixing awkwardly stripped off his soiled t-shirt and replaced it with the jersey he had been handed.

Yifan looked down at him with a concerned frown, his brows creating a ' _v_ ' shape on his forehead. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," Yixing bowed his head, bashfully tilting his head to acknowledge how weird the situation was. Despite it now listing itself as one of Yixing's all time greatest moment - to be talked to, albeit flatly, an orgasm by his long-term crush.

"You were scared," Yifan wiped the side of Yixing's perspiration covered skin, "I was just trying to be a good brother for you. I would help you with anything you needed me to, it's what being a _gege_ means."

"I'm still sorry," he whined, the taller boy pulling him in by placing an arm around his nape.

"Yixing, you can come to me with anything. Absolutely anything and I would be here to guide you through it," Yifan's hold was firm and secure, it sent ripples of hope from his top layer of skin into the catacombs of Yixing's body. "I know we hit a rocky patch as brothers over the past year but Luhan tells me that you've had a crush for a while now. On that girl in my class who helps you play the piano. I want you to know that it's perfectly all right to tell me these things too, Xing. I just want to be there for you."

"I know, Fan-ge," Yixing nodded, clenching his eyes shut at the lie that had seemed to spread around him and somehow worked to make him feel more guilty over his confusion with liking another _boy_. "I'm being awkward."

The next line out of Yifan's mouth managed to spark Yixing's second ever heartbreak, his eyes watering as they settled in his mind and broke the muscle in his chest.

"I love you, _didi_ , even when you're awkward."

 

# ♤

 

Yifan had been smiling a lot more with Yixing from that day onwards, as if Yixing had given him the secret he'd been waiting for to bring them closer again. There was an hour of time every other night, just before sleeping, that Yifan granted Yixing free reign to his bathroom. He proclaimed that Yixing did not have his own private space in the house to do his own _private_ things, so he would allow the younger boy to go about his urges for a short while before he showered before bed. It was a bizarre set-up, Yixing often found himself thinking.

He wondered if Yifan knew that it was his name he whimpered as he touched himself. He wondered if Yifan knew of all the times just the familiar scent of Yifan's body soap was enough to have him spilling on the tiled wall. He wondered if Yifan knew that it was the memories of Yifan's voice telling him to touch himself that guided him through it. Though, his memory had distorted Yifan's voice to one of an almost carnal need. It was absurd, the boy who thought they shared a secret was the basis of Yixing's biggest one.

It was an uncomfortable thought for a thirteen-year-old to have. He was aware, more so than anybody else, of the age gap between Yifan and himself. While the older boy had begun his late teens and knew more about life than Yixing did; he had even lost his virginity before Yixing had even touched himself for the first time. He knew of his immaturity and the lack of experience. Like everything else that should have hindered his feelings, all it did was magnify them.

Yixing was assaulted by his feelings every time Yifan came close to him at night on the single bed. The elder surrounded him in an abundance of emotion, many of which Yixing couldn't yet place in his heart of head. He was wide awake whenever Yifan would sleepily embrace him, drawing him closer or would curl his body around him like a protective shell.

Things seemed to go back to normal, everything about Luhan became playful to Yixing and Yixing loved spending time with the two boys once again. He had begun to talk to his parents with animation about the two elders over their Sunday dinners. The two parents, too, had been worried about their son. He seemed withdrawn and quiet, once again and that seemed to frighten them. They had worried and fret over the idea that it was their fault for not being around often enough to give Yixing the filial atmosphere he had wanted since he was small.

As he did frequently, Yixing put those concerns to rest with a semi-condescending look and a verbal assurance that he was more than happy with the time he had.

They called him mature and understanding, two things Yixing had always thought that _Yifan_ would want in somebody, and yet, they always followed it up with a bittersweet ' _for somebody of your age_ '.

Yixing enjoyed his Sundays with his parents, they would act exactly how they used to on the nights where they would both be around to eat and Yixing sometimes talked about staying in their apartment more often. He wouldn't mind being alone, nor would he be worried about spending time apart from them. He wanted to be able to call where he had spent the early years of his life _home._ Yixing felt nothing other than guilt when his mouth slipped and he called the three storey townhouse listed under the Wu family name as home in front of them. It was something he saw bothered his parents. No matter what, Yixing didn't want to tell his parents that he often preferred staying with his best friend and his older brother, that they made him feel all the love he could need and produce the atmosphere that would soothe his loneliness. He was gentle, he was kind and that's all it took for his parents to halt in their constant doubt over his well-being.

In actuality, he had felt better, despite the lingering queries he had on his sexuality. While most of his dialogue was internalised, he wound up speaking in tongues about it at any time. He was worried that he would let it slip and manage to alienate those around him, those who took him in when they really did not have to. Yixing feared for the truth much of the time, he was consistent in his silence whenever his ' _crush_ ' on Ziyi was brought up by anybody. Whilst never feeding the rumours that he had feelings for the older girl, he could never bring himself to openly deny it.

There was a sense of safety in hiding behind his senior's name, as long as people suspected it to be her then no questions would be raised about who he really had feelings for. It was a cowardly and easy way to cover the truth but it was what he needed to cast a veil upon himself. He was neither disgusted by himself or the thoughts he had of Yifan that were beyond indecent, he was scared. Like any thirteen-year-old would be in his situation, he was terrified of facing the fact that was different to everybody else.

He had two _gege_ s who always proclaimed to be there for him unconditionally and Yixing had always wondered whether that would stretch to something as life changing as telling them that he thought he was gay. He didn't know if they would let him stay in their beds, if they would banish him from their family home or if he would be completely cast aside by the brothers. He had every right to withdraw from the situation, to let himself burrow deeper into a denial he never wanted to have.

Yixing hated keeping things from the others, especially when they divulged their secrets so openly to him. Luhan and Yifan trusted him more than he could have ever of dreamed when they had first met, but now he had become his confidant. They told him what they wouldn't tell each other and Yixing longed for that to be enough for him and the elder brother. However, he was let down by his weak heart and delicate soul. There was no way he could escape from the emotions that raged inside of him like heaven and hell, each second was a new feeling while he was with Yifan and that was the hardest part of all.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing smiled as Ziyi played through something _he_ had composed. Her fingers flowed effortlessly across the keys and filled the room with the melodic sounds of sorrow, yet every note she played was filled with hope. It kindled that feeling in Yixing, his fingers making their way between his gnawing teeth effortlessly. She paused slightly between bars, only for a split second, as she read through the slowly neatening pieces.

She stopped as she moved to turn the page, "Yixing-ah, this is really beautiful."

The younger boy grinned happily as she beckoned him over, pointing out the places where the sequencing was a little out or suggesting chords that could be changed.

"Thank you," he whispered, using the eraser on the end of his pencil to cut out the parts suggested.

"Seriously, Yixing," she placed a hand on his head. "Somebody of your age shouldn't be composing to this level."

Yixing hated that phrase usually, but from the mouth of somebody who was his senior in a field that he loved, it was a compliment. He didn't want his musical prowess to reflect his age, it was in music that Yixing _was_ mature and understanding.

"I am working really hard," he admitted. "I've been trying to make it perfect for a few months now, the soccer season has picked up for Han and Fan-ge has been studying hard for exams."

"Have you been lonely?" She mumbled as her fingers drifted over some of the softer notes, covering the question from the students strolling past the music room door.

"A little," he admitted, finally letting the gravity of his recurring turmoil bury him.

"Do you write sad things when you're lonely?" Her words were whispers layered in concern for the student she helped.

"I think so," he guessed.

She wrapped an arm around his shoulder, the feminine sense of belonging that his mother gave him and she placed his hand on the keys. "It's okay to play when you get sad, Yixing-ah. It helps you get it all out."

They were quiet as Yixing gained the comfort he hadn't been getting from either Yifan or Luhan in the previous week, only their fingers mimicking the movements of the other's as they played randomly.

It was peaceful between them both, almost remind Yixing of when he would visit his grandmother when he was much younger and she would teach him the scales to play. Yixing didn't cry, he found it useless to try to numb out the pain with tears but to play it out in music.

" _Jiejie_ ," he hummed, his voice mirroring the note they both tapped, "I think there's something defective with me, I have a crush on somebody I shouldn't and I think it's so very wrong. Everybody else seems to think it's wrong, at least."

"There is never anything wrong about feeling what you feel for the people in your life, as long as it isn't anything hateful towards them." Her response took a while but Yixing found that the simple sentence by his musical elder protected him from his loneliness more than anything else he had been told in the eighteen months since his sexuality came under self-inflicted scrutiny.

"Yixing-ah, do you mind if I put this music forward for the recital?" Yixing looked at his senior in awe, his face flushing nervously as he agreed immediately. "I'll ask the teacher and I will set up some practice times, okay?"

He opened his mouth to respond but there was a thunderingly loud bang on the door. It made Yixing spring upright, his eyes casting to where Yifan's form was leaning against the wall, his eyes darting between Yixing and his senior with a level of perusal that had his whole body turning numb. Once his _gege_ had finished trying to decipher something in his mind, he looked solely at Yixing with a deadpan face. "We are going home now, Yixing."

The younger looked over at the clock, the time reading closely to the end of his lunch break and he frowned at the idea of missing his last two lessons.

"It isn't time to go home yet, Fan-ge," Yixing was hesitant in speaking after having noted the icy tone Yifan had used to gain his attention.

"Dad called in, your Ma said you've got a hospital appointment today and you need to go now," Yifan had his bag, the tension on his shoulder showing how heavily full it was. "Hurry up, everybody is waiting for you at the front."

"Oh," Yixing picked his bag up, not bothering to get his sheet book back from Ziyi. "You keep that,  _Jiejie_ , you play it more beautifully than I can."

She smiled and reached up to poke at the younger boy's dimple gently as he returned the expression, not stopping his beaming as he followed Yifan through the hallways of the school. He ignored the muttered comment Yifan made about how he could see why Yixing liked her when she flirted so openly with the thirteen-year-old, seeming to skip over the fact that Ziyi was a seventeen-year-old with a boyfriend she appeared to adore.

Yixing ignored Yifan until they got to the car, the rest of the Wu family waiting there to take him to his appointment and Yixing was thankful that he wouldn't have to sit next to Yifan and his weighted stares for the thirty-minute journey. Luhan, as per usual, was his excitable self, telling Yixing of how Jongdae saw him in the corridor again or that Minseok invited the younger to go to a coffee shop in the city centre together.

Yixing feigned a level of interest, interjecting where he could be bothered to but otherwise he watched the world cruise by as they drove through the empty streets. Trees were covering themselves with leaves and Yixing loved watching the greens appear, it reminded him of when Yifan and Luhan would take him to the park once the winter had blown over.

Their return home from the hospital was equally quiet on Yixing's part, they each got out of the car and the two adults made their way up to the study to work.

Yixing followed the two older boys into the living room where they all sat, there was something thick between them and Yixing could feel it pressing on him. Yet, he waited and waited until one of the others broke the tension. Yixing should have known it had been Yifan, he was always the one to initiate things when they were on the verge of arguing. Yifan had told him, one night when Yixing had been staying in his room, that it was because he hated the feeling of being backed into a corner.

"I, I mean, _we_ don't know what's up with you, Yixing," Yifan spoke levelly, the way he did when he was trying to keep himself contained. "I know you have a crush on Ziyi but can you at least _smile_ when you're with us."

"I do smile," Yixing defended, his body seizing up as he looked over at where Yifan was seated.

"Not as much as you used to, Xing," Luhan's voice was softer, despite the boy's confidence, he never like confrontation. "We're worried about you."

"I'm not sad," he lied, his covering for his real emotions had slowly grown stronger as he lived with his _wrong_ crush.

"Don't lie, Yixing," Yifan hissed, being careful not to raise his voice. "We're just worried about you. I mean, we know you've had this apparently unrequited crush for a while now and we want to see how you are. These things can really bother somebody of your age."

"I don't have a crush on _Jiejie_ ," he fought, a segment of the truth passing through his lips.

"We know you, Xing, we know your crush," Luhan whispered.

Yixing scoffed and shook his head, he didn't want to fight with the two closest people in his life and he just wanted to play around with them like they all used to. Like before his crush on his _gege_ become a conscious thought.

Yifan stood up from where he was sat, walking to kneel in front of Yixing, "I saw you today," Yifan stated, not that Yixing had minded, "I know you're close because of how long you've been practising together. But, I don't think you guys should spend so much time around each other."

"What? Why?" Yixing gaped.

"It's not healthy to pine for somebody like this," Luhan was whispering, looking at Yixing sadly from where he sat. "Fanfan-ge just wants the best for you."

"But it isn't up to him to determine who I can spend my time with."

"Yixing, I am not trying to take over your life but I just think you should keep your distance from _her_."

"Nothing bad is happening." Yixing felt like he was drowning, having both boys he cared for and looked up to telling him something that was wholeheartedly wrong.

"Yixing, you _can't_ like her," Yifan's voice was a whistled grating sound. "She isn't right for you. You need to stay away from her."

"Why? Just because _I like her_?!" Yixing hated shouting but his blood was boiling beneath his skin at Yifan's audacity. "That's ridiculous."

"I am your _brother_ , I have to protect you," Yifan shouted back, standing up to his full height to glare down at Yixing.

" _You,_ Yifan _, are not my brother_ ," Yixing yelled, his voiced scratched raw and he watched as Yifan took the statement like a physical blow. The _ge_ had been dropped and he heard Luhan gulp loudly. Yifan looked winded, his eyes wide and his mouth open in shock. Yixing found a small spark of joy in seeing that he had affected Yifan like that, he didn't want to be the only one between the two of them who had a lingering feeling of hurt in his stomach. " _You do not get to dictate my life like you are_."

Yixing picked up his things and stormed out of the room, closing the door behind him as he slowly began to cry - it seemed to be the only way to get rid of his anger and he found Luhan's father wrapping his arms around his upper half.

"I want to go home, Dad," Yixing's words shuddered with each jarring breath. "Please, just take me home."

 

# ♤

 

After their argument, Yixing started spending more time at his parents' apartment than he had done so before. He threw himself into studying, not that it was much help without Yifan lingering around to point out his small stumbles, and composing. The latter was the easier option of the two, especially after Ziyi had told him that their teacher had approved his composition to go into a senior midterm recital and that another two compositions of the same calibre were requested. It wasn't as if Yixing didn't have a large bank of emotion to tap into or the creaky piano in the living room of the apartment that he couldn't use while he. He still found that his older tutor played his songs better than he ever could, her ability to grasp what Yixing had wished for it to be was baffling for the young student but he was thankful for it.

They spent more lunch times and after school hours running through the notes, broken periods of playing and Ziyi coaxing the truth over his perseverance out of him. She, and Luhan alike, began to update the younger boy of the misery he had plunged Yifan into. The boy he had once proudly proclaimed to be his _gege_ had struggled with not having Yixing to keep under his watchful eyes. Apparently the tall seventeen year old had even approached Ziyi actively, after over a year of ignoring, to do things like give Yixing items from his bedroom that Yixing could have been in need of. Those small olive branches weakened Yixing's resolve more than he would have liked to have admitted. That was until the moment Luhan had summoned Yixing for a best friend sleepover (while Yifan was out at one of his parties) and the bomb that the eldest brother had acquired a girlfriend was left to tick and explode over Yixing's head.

He had been so sure that his resolve in not crying would last the whole night. However, when he cried into the pillows that only smelt of his own shampoo, he knew the dam had broken. Not only was it heartbreaking to have your crush actively out the company of another, it was all the more dampening on Yixing's self-esteem because Yifan's girlfriend was a _girl_. It confirmed to Yixing that Yifan was straight, so painfully and rigidly straight. All while Yixing was submerged in an uneasy sea of sexuality. 

A positive that had come from Yifan delving into his first proper relationship was that Yixing could spend his time half freely at the Wu house, Luhan being his emotional pillow and support. Yixing explained his half of the argument, even going as far as to tell the other thirteen-year-old that he never had a crush on his Ziyi-jie and Luhan accepted it easily. His best friend shared that he wasn't sure why Yifan got so touchy about whether or not Yixing had a crush on somebody, unrequited or not. As Luhan had developed his fair share of those and Yifan had never once told him to stop spending time with that girl, or even instigated an argument over it. Yixing wondered if there was something about him that made Yifan know he was unlovable.

It was almost like Yifan knew that there was a secret lingering in the depths of his stomach that would mean he would never have a relationship others would recognise as acceptable. It made him think that it would have been easier for him to have had a crush on Zhang Ziyi.

His music, to his own ears, became sadder and more woeful; _longing_. He wasn't sure what he was pining for, if it was somebody to tell him that it was okay to have the predilections that he did, if it was for the closeness he had once had with Yifan or if it was the sense of _family_ he had at the Wu home. He suspected it was all three but told himself that everything would have been so much easier if he could pick one and fix that. Then maybe things would fall into place for him.

Yixing was staring at the stage with a sceptical countenance, his fingers itched to change the set-up the music department had implemented for Ziyi's performances of his pieces. He wanted to have her facing to the left, at a slight angle to show her facial expression and fingers deftly moving over the keys. Yet, they had her facing to the right with a harsh ninety-degree angle from the audience. Yixing felt as though it detached the girl from the scene around her, it made her impossible to relate to.

It made every note sound cold and calculated as it bounced strangely in the acoustics of the room, nothing of the pitiable lament it was supposed to be. He aired his feelings to his teacher, the man also listening as Ziyi played the first of Yixing's pieces with jittery fingers. They agreed that she had to have a way to _connect_ to the audience, as the purpose for Yixing's music was supposed to make those listening to it _feel_ something. The adjustments were made, Yixing's heart beat well over the volume of the soft opening notes. Yixing watched as Ziyi had that beautifully concentrated frown on her face, the one that looked something like emotional pain and he felt moved.

He had never once cried at or loved one of his own pieces. Until that rehearsal in that hall. The way everything flowed from _introduction_ to _exposition_ to _development_ to _recapitulation_ to the final _coda_ , it was perfect to Yixing. It was everything he had imagined the pieces to sound like in his head when he first jotted the notes down in hasty scribbles in the middle of the night.

However, his approval of his own music did not drown out the nerves he felt when the evening began. Despite not being one to play in the recital, he was talked into dressing smartly as they were likely to call him out on stage to receive his credit for composing three of the main pieces of the night. His palms were sweaty and he had to banish thoughts of burying his head into the safe, broad chest that he longed to seek his solace in. He was nervous, shaky right down to his feet, as Ziyi went on stage. Yixing spied her boyfriend in the front row and resigned himself to watching him, the composer wanted to see if he could create an affinity with the music his girlfriend was playing. Plus, he had only mentioned a recital to Luhan in passing and did not anticipate for anybody to be there to support him.

He witnessed as Ziyi's boyfriend tried to discreetly wipe something glistening in his eye halfway through the second of the three songs and Yixing felt the world shift from his shoulders.

Yixing had been more than happy with the one emotional response from his audience but the standing ovation Ziyi received had his stomach falling as he watched on as people showed their utmost appreciation to his music. The pianist came backstage, where Yixing was waiting in the wings as the head of the senior music department did his closing statement. "Get ready, Xing-ah, he is going to call you out."

The young boy wiped his hands on his perfectly fitted trousers, leaving tho the stage once the signal was given and his head spun whilst people looked at him with confusion.

"This student of the Junior school composed the three final pieces of tonight's performance, he is the youngest person to have original music in one of our shows since we began having them decades ago," the teacher began, making Yixing's head fall shyly as people murmured their shock and surprise. "His musical creativity is boundless and the music department wishes for you to join us in showing your appreciation for Zhang Yixing and his talents."

Yixing bowed deeply to the spectators, staying at a ninety-degree turn for a full ten seconds before he realised the roaring clapping wasn't going to stop anytime soon. He felt the man beside him nudge his arm slightly and he dashed offstage, his cheeks flamed with an exhilarated yet bashful blush. Ziyi hugged his shoulders tightly, singing her praises until her boyfriend came around and he joined in with his own speech of undeniable beauty. Yixing's recently tearful attitude returned in full force as he became overwhelmed with everybody having nothing but compliments for him.

It hurt his chest knowing that the two people he had always wanted to share a moment like that with weren't there. He longed to share the experience with Yifan and Luhan, no matter how much they fought, he wanted them there for what was important to him.

Which spoke to his surprise when a body, one racking itself with sobs, collided into his own with growls of being an awful best friend for keeping such abilities from his knowledge. "I am hurt, Yixing. You don't tell me you even write music without playing it down with an ' _oh, this is just a little something I am working on_ ' nor do you say anything about _your_ music being the kingpin of this show! My heart is broken."

Luhan didn't stop crying into Yixing's nape until somebody else pried him away, Yixing's eyes following up the body of a very neatly put together Yifan and Yixing baulked before smiling slightly.

"Ziyi said you had something special going on tonight," Yifan looked nervous, everything but the picture of confidence he usually was. "I got you these because that's what you do, isn't it? After a live performance you give the _xingxing_ of the show flowers."

"Okay, that pun sounded lamer here than when he came up with it in the car, somehow," Luhan laughed, his crying subsiding as he flicked his older brother's head. Yixing still accepted the flowers, the assortment of pastel pink and cream standing out against all of their darkly coloured clothing.

Yifan ignored Luhan's interjection to look down at Yixing, "I wanted to apologise for yelling at you and being the kind of person you wouldn't want to choose as your brother. I know I was wrong to try and control things I shouldn't be involved in, especially after Han pointed out that I never react like that when he gets a crush or goes out on dates. I just want to protect you from the painful things in life but I can see that being so imposing wasn't the best way to go about such things."

"I'm sorry too," Yixing gazed down at the flowers in his hands before back up to Yifan. "I shouldn't have been so defensive and said something I knew would hurt you. I really am sorry and I miss being your favourite _didi_."

Yifan ignored Luhan's yelled ' _hey!_ ' in favour of hugging Yixing tightly, effectively crushing the flowers between their bodies but the younger didn't care when he could burrow into the elder's chest at will. Yifan leant down to his ear, whispering a delicate "You will always be my favourite _didi_ even when we fight," into his ear.

Yixing found himself uncaring if the affection Yifan showed him was solely platonic, just as long as he cared for him was enough to keep Yixing happy.

"Okay, so who is up for some celebratory ice cream?" Luhan sang, separating the two hugging boys joyfully before placing Yixing's palm in Yifan's, making the boys hold hands in a way they hadn't done for months.

"I'm in," Yixing smiled. "But only if _gege_ pays."

Yixing watched as Yifan's mouth morphed into one of sheer happiness, his hand squeezing Yixing's tightly in his own as they poked their tongues out at each other. 

Yixing would take platonic love over distance any day.


	3. Aggrandise, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late Adolescence, 1/2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is Yifan-centric, so please enjoy this take on everything!
> 
> Be sure to listen to the playlist, it was such an inspiration for this part.

Yifan's friends sat around the table in the coffee shop just down the road from where he lived, their laptops all sprawled out on the desk with papers littered between and coffee cups in the small chunks of wooden table that was left between in each sheet. The knowledge of whose mug belonged to who faded hours before and they'd slowly begun to lose the will to care about whether or not that was their cappuccino or cinnamon latte, the caffeine quickly started to taste the same to each of them. It was a weird crush of studying for college exams that had Yifan worrying over whether or not he would get the grades he needed for his employer to continue to fund his tuition, not to mention the fact that he _needed_ the degree to be able to progress to where he wanted as fast as he could.

The pressure of revision and note taking had become a strain to them all, more so than it ever had during his high school years. He was nineteen and in his first year of university. Despite many people labelling the first year as a buffer to get you up to degree standard in learning, Yifan took it as seriously as he could. There was no stress, other than school, on his shoulders and he knew that the longer he spent with his friends trading note cards, he would be able to relax at home. It was a pleasant thought, returning into his parents' home to find his two brothers waiting around, playing video games until it was well into the early hours of the morning.

Yifan always looked forward to getting back into the warm recesses of his temperature controlled home, the warmth always edging into his bones as the spring air hadn't yet begun to heat up.

Time flew out of the window as soon as Yifan's small cohort called it quits to get home before the sun had fully set below the horizon. The hours of the day grew later and Yifan, being a good friend and the only one with a car, decided to drop his classmates off to their dorm building on his way home. They were a rambunctious bunch, all different in the most unique of ways and Yifan loved the way they all seemed to fill in almost all areas of life with their knowledge. It was no shock that Kyungsoo, the friend he had known for the longest, was in his close cluster; the younger boy was studying the same course and worked in another department at the company Yifan was employed by. Despite having grown apart in high school, Yifan was relieved that they fell back into a comfortable friendship with ease.

The Korean male had even ensured Yifan that his two brothers were in safe hands, Kyungsoo had been the one to be the mentor of Luhan's friend, Jongdae. He had told the older Chinese male that Jongdae had managed to weave his way into being the singer who Yixing worked with the most, it made Yifan's heart relax in his chest once he found out. Despite discovering that Yixing's crush on Zhang Ziyi had always been non-existent, the loss of himself and her in school had been a blow to the younger male. Especially when Yixing had confided in Yifan to tell him that he didn't want to work with another music student unless he trusted them wholeheartedly, and it wasn't like Luhan was willing to give up his love of soccer just to be there for his younger friend. Jongdae, a person Yifan would forever be thankful for, was a lifeline to the older male.

The Korean highschool student gave Yixing a new direction, his music had become far more lively to fit with Jongdae's strong voice and the lyrics they wrote together. It was a strain off Yifan's heart when he heard everything but sadness flow from Yixing's fingers as he played and throat as he hummed new pieces when he woke up in the morning. There were glimpses of the ever playful Yixing flowing back into their lives as time passed; Yifan knew there was only a matter of time until the younger's personality righted itself completely.

He opened the door to the house, welcomed with a heavy silence that was only broken by the sound of running water. Yifan looked at the time on his phone, frowning when he saw that it was around the time the five house inhabitants ate dinner together. There was normally a cacophony of sound; fryers burning, voices bouncing above the radio and chairs moving as people sat themselves at the readily set table. Yet, there was nothing but a shower flowing above his head.

The placement of the sound was coming from his en-suite, which convinced him that it was Yixing who was home and everybody else was either in their own rooms or not in the house at all. He made his way up the stairs, dropping his work and university things into the study before jogging up to his own room. He plugged his dying phone into charge and laid out on his bed to wait for the younger boy to be done in the shower, he closed his eyes and felt the edge of the hardback songbook Yixing kept under his pillow dig into the side of his arm.

A squealing scream sounded as the bathroom door opened, "Oh my god, Yifan! You almost frightened me to death."

Yifan peaked through slit eyelids and saw a towel clad Yixing gripping his chest, as though that would slow his scared, racing heart.

"Sorry, I thought you would have heard me coming in," he explained, still under the scrutiny of the fifteen-year-old's eyes.

"Well, I didn't and I am sure a little bit of pee came out because of you," Yixing didn't sound embarrassed by what he had said, his comfort level around Yifan was unmatched and it made the elder male laugh loudly.

Yixing walked from the doorway over to the wardrobe, picking out his own clothes from the large bundles that rested against the back of the oak cabinet. The younger walked back into the bathroom without closing the door behind himself and stood around the other side of the wall to redress himself.

"Where is everybody?" He asked, his hands raising above his head to pull a basketball from the window sill, his hands throwing it up and down while the other threw his towel into the dirty washing basket Yifan had in the corner of his room.

"One of Luhan's football things, there was a parent meeting or something," Yixing exited the bathroom fully clothed and laid himself out on Yifan's bed, his feet in line with the university student's head and head at the bottom of the mattress.

"Is it that time of the season again?" Yifan was surprised at how much time had passed since the previous season and Yixing hummed in response. "Why were you showering anyway? Eight is an early time for you."

"I joined a new club," he could hear the smile on Yixing's lips, answering the unasked question on Yifan's lips. "It's a dance one, I guessed that I could use my sense of rhythm and coordination for something that would be useful for my physical health, rather than sitting at a piano bench for hours on end."

"I didn't know that you were interested in dance," the nineteen year-old caught his ball steadily to turn on his side, for which he used the new angle to look down at the boy he considered to be his younger brother.

"Me either," Yixing laughed, his shoulders shrugging. "I just thought about how fast I could pick up the dances to the songs Han and I used to imitate in front of the television and it seemed like a good group. Jongin is there, so I'm not starting completely anew."

"How was your first day, then?" Yifan's left hand played with the sock around Yixing's foot while the other clutched his ball to his stomach.

"It was really great, the coach said I was a natural at all the hip-hop stuff, which I found ironic, given that I spend so much time thinking about more classical music," Yixing turned on his side and met Yifan's eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Yifan shifted on his bed and sat up to look down at Yixing curiously. "You can ask me anything you want, you know that."

"What was it like when you told your parents that you liked guys as well as girls?"

Yixing's question shocked Yifan, his face pulling into a scrunched up frown and Yixing turned onto his back to avoid Yifan's eyes. The younger boy had been the one to make the least fuss over Yifan's bisexuality, he had just just piled yet more food into Yifan's dish when they had gone out for lunch together, his words of ' _And that's supposed to be big news, how? I'm still waiting for you to pass over the pork here.'_ The youngest had been one of the first to know and there was nothing Yifan found more comforting than the fact Yixing had been so effortlessly serene over something the elder had thought would drive them apart.

"I wouldn't say liberating." _That feeling came from telling Yixing,_ "I think it was relief, more than anything else. I don't like keeping secrets and that honesty was refreshing for me, I don't know. It was quite a while ago now."

He saw the younger boy nod, the gap between his eyebrows closing as his frown matched Yifan's. They were quiet again.

"Why?" Yifan asked after what must have been five minutes, his stare not wavering from Yixing's face as the boy opened and closed his mouth repeatedly like a fish in a tank.

"I'm gay," Yixing finally said, his gaze not making its way to Yifan yet and the older boy's fingers on the younger's foot wrapped around it in a comforting grip as he watched emotions fight their way onto Yixing's face.

Yifan knew he had to lighten the mood, the fifteen year-old's turmoil reflecting a feeling that Yifan knew all too well. "So, I guess that crush on Zhang Ziyi really didn't happen?"

There was a playfully firm knee driven into Yifan's stomach and he felt the air get knocked out his lungs as they both laughed at the dumb comment.

  

# ♠

 

Yifan was the only person Yixing confided in with his secret, making Yifan feel as though he was the most important person in the younger's life. However, it had made Yifan more wary of the people Yixing would surround himself with, he did not want to think of the younger being hurt by any of the ones he believed he could trust. Yifan knew what it was like to lose friends once sexuality was brought into question, he had gone through the turmoil of becoming the butt of the joke or the ostracised one of the group. He did not want to risk Yixing from being pitted down as some sort of sexual deviant because of the way his sexuality pushed him.

Luhan had questioned Yifan's escalated protective attitude, sometimes telling him that it would cause another argument for him to mediate but Yixing had constantly assured the fretting boy that he understood Yifan's actions. It was all Yifan needed to realise that Luhan had no idea that Yixing was gay, otherwise he too would have been acting with the same intent.

The university student never pushed the subject of Yixing telling anybody else, as Yixing seemed content in whispering all his questions and queries to him in the middle of the night.

In actuality, Yixing did not make any move to say anything until a night that settled right between Yixing's sixteenth birthday and Yifan's twentieth. Yixing had been acting weirdly for hours before the five people settled at the dinner table and that sparked worry within Yifan as Yixing pushed his chair a few inches closer than normal to Yifan's and a smaller hand sought for his under the table. He didn't know how he worked it out but Yifan knew exactly what was to follow in the next hour.

He watched as his parents accepted what Yixing said with smiles, the smaller's hand cut the blood circulation off in Yifan's hand when Luhan stared at his best friend with wide wonder. "Did you know?" The middle aged teenager asked Yifan, making his face tilt questioningly to the side. "You don't seem shocked."

Yifan nodded, his hand still holding Yixing's delicately.

There was a tense moment when Luhan didn't say another word, only thanking his parents for the food before leaving the table to escape to his bedroom. Yifan leaned to Yixing's frame as the younger boy's hurt tears began to fall and all Yifan could do was whisper that he would talk to Luhan and make everything okay. His parents huddled around the youngest boy, their arms encasing him in loving hugs and Yifan was thankful that they had taken things so well. He had even heard his father mutter something to his mother about Luhan being reprimanded for his evidently offensive behaviour, making his body relax completely as he guided Yixing up two flights of stairs until they were safely in Yifan's bedroom.

The older of the two urged Yixing into the shower, his advice being that if Yixing were to wash then a lot of the despairing sadness would rinse away with the water too. The shorter teenager looked sceptical but obeyed the request with minimal argument, taking the opportunity to spend a little time alone before he returned back to Yifan's side as they prepared for a strangely early night.

Yifan had dressed himself in night clothes, done the parts of his skincare routine that didn't require a sink and managed to have grabbed a water bottle from the fridge for Yixing without encountering any of the other members of his family. Though, he could hear a set of three voices edging their way out from beneath Luhan's bedroom door, he had no knowledge of what exactly was being said but he could guess. Yifan didn't want to waste any more time as he heard the water of his shower close off and soft thuds of feet stepping out onto the tiles. He waited, sat on the edge of his bed with the water bottle cooling his hot hands with condensation forming between his fingers. He watched the bathroom door, the shadows of Yixing's feet dancing in the light shining out, he observed them intently with a fascination of how the things changed as Yixing moved to and from the vicinity of the door. He didn't look away as the handle turned and the sixteen-year-old walked out in one of Yifan's old shirts and some loosely fitting shorts.

His eyes, reddened and swollen, still stared up at Yifan in complete sadness. There were so many things drifting silently between them; ' _why did Luhan accept Yifan and not Yixing_?' was the mainly unsaid thing. There was barely any difference between the two boys, other than the fact that Yifan could like girls too. It baffled the nineteen-year-old, setting a deep anger within him as Yixing shuffled forward to cry into his chest. Yifan wanted to soothe, heal and fix Yixing up until nothing hurt him anymore. He felt a rush of something through his body as Yixing's hands curled to clutch weakly at the shirt on Yifan's chest, there was a level of neediness in the action that sat well with Yifan.

He adored being the one to put Yixing back together. Something about the younger boy appealed to Yifan's protective side and a voice in the recesses of his mind told him that he had to guard Yixing's heart, like a dragon and its castle. If there was a way to wrap himself around Yixing's fragile, weakly thumping heart then he would have taken that opportunity.

Yifan felt momentary hatred for his biological brother for treating the light of both their lives, the missing piece to the jigsaw they'd haphazardly thrown together in the six years before Yixing, as though he had not just had the biggest moment of his teenage life.

Yifan suspected that it was his understanding of the push and pull feeling within Yixing that made him so fiery about the subject. He did not expect anything of the sort from Luhan, nor did he ever expect to be the sole person supporting a blindly crying Yixing in a dark bedroom. The light of the bathroom bled into the room, the golden rays being the only thing to shed light upon the two of them and Yifan rested his chin on Yixing's head. His longer arms enveloped the younger until there was no room between their bodies.

It was a bittersweet moment, one that would always linger on Yifan's skin and he knew it. Yixing _needed_ him in that moment. Yifan was all Yixing sought out and the elder was more than happy to oblige, if it was to make the younger so much as smile.

They edge back to the bed, falling onto the mattress with a controlled thud and Yixing curled his body on top of Yifan's. The sixteen-year-old hadn't ever done that before, it would have been utterly inappropriate outside of the context but when somebody was broken, nothing else mattered.

He kept the smaller body steady as he sobbed, his tears had long since made Yifan's shirt cling to his chest in a few damp spots and his fingers clenched even tighter to the fabric beneath his fingers. There was nothing normal, nor constant, about their situation but Yifan knew he had to remain steadfast in Yixing being able to rely on him. The taller male decided to rock Yixing slightly in his arms, to lull the younger to sleep like they used to when they were younger and Yifan slowly let out a sigh as Yixing fell into dreamland.

 

# ♠

 

As any college student found, there were times when he wanted to punch his friends or at least slap them across the face with paper, lined in drawing pins and see if that made them think twice. Few of those times, Yifan had found himself hating that he agreed. Such occasions were rare and far between, allowing Yifan to remain on the moral high ground he had already pitched himself on.

It was just over a month after Yixing's coming out incident, Yifan had turned twenty and felt as though he was at a place where he really had to mature. Much like he did at every milestone age. However, the run-up weeks to his birthday hadn't happened as he had anticipated. While he spent more time hovering around Yixing, even more so than his escalated protective attitude before Yixing had made his announcement, Luhan seemed to slip into the background.

His biological brother gave Yixing the cold shoulder at every possible chance and it had rattled Yifan in ways that it shouldn't have. He could not believe his brother's audacity, nor was he one to keep that to himself. There had been a night where Yifan had yelled, shouted and loomed over his petite brother with numerous accusatory words rolling from his tongue; he had reached his breaking point. In all honesty, he had expected Luhan to put up more of a fight or look guilty for his actions. Yet, there was nothing. Not even a blink.

It had taken a watery plead from Yixing to get Luhan to open up to the two other boys. The concise words that struck both Yixing and himself were: _"I could not care less if you liked other men, either of you, but it's the fact that you told_ him _first. I am supposed to be your best friend, Yixing, but then you tell somebody other than me your_ biggest _secret. Am I not allowed to be hurt or mad over that?"_

That had both Yifan and Yixing stumped, they had not thought that Luhan was even bothered by the fact that Yifan knew exactly what was going on with Yixing before he did. It seemed to juvenile to Yifan, as he could see how much ease could be found in telling somebody who had been through something similar.

Things seemed to fall into place from that conversation, the three of them returning back to their normal dynamic and Yifan relaxed into his role of older brother once again. He could watch the two younger boys mess around with a sense of fondness in his chest.

That was, however, until Yifan invited his friends over with the promises of cheap alcohol and takeout. The afternoon was comfortably cold, the temperature change from the outside to inside his warm living room gave him something to relish in. Luhan and Yixing were out at their clubs; Yixing's dance classes ran in tandem with Luhan's soccer ones and Yifan was not needed to rush to pick them up. Not when they both said they'd go out for dinner to give Yifan and his friends some space.

It was a relief that his friends weren't going to be around his brothers, only Kyungsoo had ever met them and he had mentioned how they'd be eaten alive by the rest of the guys Yifan knew. It wasn't a lie, one of the other guys, the type that was only part of the group for ease or because they were a friend of a friend, was bisexual like Yifan. It was one of the reasons why he stuck with that group, there was minimal to no judgement from anybody. However, Yifan had never taken to the man; he had an attitude that irked him and made everything uneasy whenever they spoke. Yifan could only tolerate him once he had managed to drink several beers and was in a rare mood for complete carelessness, those rare occasions were not enough to base a solid friendship, in Yifan's eyes, but he couldn't speak for the other.

That was why Yifan had felt nothing but unadulterated rage when the guy had mentioned something along the lines of how Yixing _did not_ look just _sixteen_ with his well-developed body and face that was the perfect mix between sexy and cute. Kyungsoo had sent Yifan a look as he opened his mouth to not talk about his brother in such a suggestive way, it was something that caught a sensitive nerve in how much his protective nature was still raw and millimetres below the surface with Yixing.

He readied himself with a deep, calming breath in and was ready to demand for the other guy to withdraw what he had said in regards to the sixteen-year-old. In a moment of the worst luck Yifan had ever encountered, Yixing entered the room with his shirt clinging with sweat and eyes dark with passion. Yifan was thankful that the younger boy's eyes only searched for him in the room, avoiding the somewhat predatory gaze that somebody else in the room was setting on him. Yifan made sure to stand up and guide the younger boy out of the living area and into the corridor, closing the door behind him with a firm click and his full attention on the shorter male.

"I could have just talked to you in there," Yixing nodded his head towards the door and Yifan blinked a few more times before he spoke up again. "You're not ashamed of me, are you, _gege_?"

"Of course not," Yifan denied vehemently. "Some of my friends aren't the kind of people I want to expose you to," _as I am worried they will_ expose _themselves to you._ "Nothing else, don't worry."

"I trust you, ge," Yixing's dimple popped into his cheek as he smiled childishly. "I was only going to say that I am going to be washing these clothes and Han's kit, in case you had anything that needed throwing into the washer too?"

Yifan shook his head, his hand ruffling Yixing's hair before the teenager turned away to make his journey up to Yifan's room to get himself washed and dressed. Only when Yixing disappeared to the second floor did Yifan release a long sigh, his stomach unnerving at the idea of Yixing returning back down while his friends were still inhabiting the living room. He willed for Yixing to stay in his room, to do whatever homework he must have received and that was all Yifan could think of as he opened the white door his hand hadn't moved from since closing it.

He took place beside Kyungsoo, the smaller of the two gave him a look that spoke a thousand words, it said: _"You do not want to know what was said in your absence,"_ and _"I will tell you when it's just us_."

Yifan nodded, the conversation having flipped onto another topic, one he wasn't interested in and he willed time to pass faster in hopes of knowing what was talked about, not that it took a genius to know it was Yixing. He silently seethed, his glare fixed on everything in the room other than his friends and he only found relief when his phone vibrated. Yixing had sent him a whiny text message saying how he and Luhan were too hungry to stay upstairs for too long,that they were close to eating their own fingers and Yifan informed the younger of his secret stash of popcorn and chocolate he kept in the shoe drawer of his closet.

There was a very quiet thud above his head, right where Luhan's bedroom was and the sounds of equally dull footsteps making their way into Yifan's bedroom; he could almost hear their delighted laughter from where he was sat.

That was his cue to usher his friends, all bar Kyungsoo, from the room and they all agreed that it would be best to go home; with the beer having run out and their stomachs thickly lined with foods. It made Yifan sigh out in grand relief, his muscles losing their tension as the boys left out the front door.

Yifan settled on the sofa, an empty beer bottle in his hand there was a moment of silence before he looked around to Kyungsoo expectantly. "What happened while I was talking to Yixing?"

"Some comments were made by a certain somebody about how Yixing managed to fill his clothes, trousers specifically, extremely well. Apparently some features were accentuated in a very alluring manner," Kyungsoo had made what was said a little less provocative, Yifan knew that from the way he blinked quickly between words. It made Yifan's blood boil and he wanted to have been able to defend the honour of somebody he considered a younger brother, especially from somebody Yifan held less favour for than anybody else in the world.

Kyungsoo collected up the glass bottles, saying he would throw them away on his way out from the house.

It left Yifan to stew until the two younger boys walked downstairs, their carefree and wide smiles brightened the older boy considerably. The only issue he found himself having was keeping his eyes from wandering to see whether the comments on Yixing were even true. He hadn't ever considered the shorter male as attractive before, he knew the sixteen year-old was good looking with his softened but still defined features and the smile he had was enough to disarm anybody. Yifan hadn't even thought about letting his gaze become appreciative as the years passed by; his mind still threw out images of the thirteen year-old who hadn't even touched himself before. Yixing was everything that could embody innocence in his eyes; like any older brother would view their younger sibling with a four year age gap.

He granted himself one look as Yixing walked passed the living room to head into the kitchen, the snapshot of a sight was enough to have Yifan noticing that the statement made while he was out of earshot was not a lie.

Yixing did fill his clothes well, even though he had draped his shower fresh body in one of Yifan's university shirts; the younger male was _attractive,_ Yifan caught himself thinking. The development made him somewhat uncomfortable, he wasn't supposed to find elements of somebody he thought of as family as appetizing appealing. Especially when that person was sixteen. Yifan was sure that he wasn't attracted to younger people, he was one who was attracted to maturity and people around his own age.

It was impossible for him not to look when Yixing came into view and an extremely perverted part of his mind let the idea that Yixing's body looked very _mature_ come into his consciousness.

He convinced himself that it was just the alcohol, despite the little volume of it, coursing through his veins that had made him think such things. That, and the fact that Yifan hadn't had sex in awhile - not that he was promiscuous but Yifan was like any other hot-blooded twenty-year-old that was surrounded by beauty. There had been nothing physical for the university student since his year began, a random hook-up that hadn't equated to anything other than an awkward morning. He had wants, everybody did. It was the fact that Yixing should not have become one of them.

Ever yet, Yifan found himself of thinking how Yixing had grown up since the last time he _really_ looked at him. The younger male had managed to develop in ways that Yifan had never imagine possible, there was never a thought in Yifan's mind that Yixing wouldn't be anything other than completely adorable or handsome; there was no room for Yixing having the body of an adult dancer. There should not have been the image of a toned behind and arched spine in Yifan's mind, yet there it was.

Yifan only stopped looking when Luhan threw a dirty dishcloth at his face, commanding that he clean up after the two boys' mess and Yifan sighed at the sudden reversion to normalcy.

 

 

# ♠

 

On one of the rare occasions that Yifan picked Yixing and Luhan up from school, he decided to run a quick test, he sat in his car in the main parking area and waited for the students to filter out towards the exit gates. He felt like an idiot, his face splashed with a blush and heat crawling up under his clothing. Yifan assured himself that what he was doing wasn't weird or strange, it was quick research.

It was to settle the internal debate he had been having for a handful of days. In the span of that time, Yifan had been noticing more _desirable_ parts of Yixing. It was both awkward and off-putting to climb into the bed beside the person he had felt sudden desire for. The Realisation had been profound and something that kept him on edge. It drove him almost completely out of his sanity before he knew he had to do something about it; he had decided that setting a test for himself would be the fastest way he could get some decipherment over what he had been thinking.

He had never been through such a dilemma before, that's why he found himself looking over other high school students; his field-test to see if he had certain inclinations towards people of a younger age, or if it was only Yixing. In all honesty, he did not know which one he would prefer to have.

Finding teenagers attractive was something he could hide, drown out in relationships with people his own age - maybe people who would look a little cuter than the average adult - and seek help for his attractions. However, there would be the lingering disgust he would have for himself, especially as an adult, in liking those of a far younger age.

Wanting Yixing had it's own issues; he was like the younger boy's older brother and there was something wrong about that on its own. Factoring in that he would always be around Yixing, there would be no way of escaping that fate and avoiding the younger boy until somebody else caught his fancy. There would always be the thought, the knowledge, that he had taken considerable notice for the younger male; it made his palms sweat and stomach turn in the most horrific of ways.

Yifan's brain registered some of the students as people who would grow up to be attractive or were beautiful in their own way. Nevertheless, he felt that ever expanding feeling of hunger enter his body when Yixing stepped into view with his backpack slung over one shoulder and his perfectly fitted uniform. Yifan should not have been close to drooling as he watched the younger approach the car with his naturally swaying hips and his flawlessly placed hair. Yifan didn't even look at any of the people surrounding Yixing when he was there and that's when he knew something wasn't right.

He felt the resentment alongside the attraction; the positive feeling directed at the younger and the negative was saved only for himself.

Beneath everything, Yifan knew it was only physical attraction that he was harbouring in his sea of raw and unrefined feelings. It wasn't as if he was in love with Yixing, no, he found himself being affected in no other way in that respect. There was nothing that gave him the urge to kiss Yixing until he felt better about something or feelings of jealousy when Yixing was with other people. It was more that Yifan wanted to touch Yixing until there was nothing but pleasure displayed across his face. There was nothing normal in that, however.

Yifan hadn't ever wanted somebody, in a physical sense, that much before.

That only heightened as Yixing sat in the car beside him, the younger greeting him happily with a smile and a cute, " _Gege_."

Yifan cast him a single glance for a second before letting his eyes fall on the street around them, he started the engine and pulled out of the school.

"Luhan called and said he was going to Jongin's house for the afternoon to talk over plays or something," Yifan hummed, keeping his gaze trained on the road ahead. "I'm not sure what Mom and Dad are doing though, they left before I could talk to them."

"Oh," Yixing didn't sound disappointed with that idea, he seemed more soothed and relaxed by it. It made Yifan feel a little worse about himself, the fact that when he had said that, he had thought that he'd get more time to just watch Yixing without anybody to catch him in doing so. "Are we making dinner?"

"Huh?" Yifan glanced to his right.

"What are we doing for dinner?" Yixing asked, speaking a little louder and Yifan relaxed a little more in his seat.

"I don't know, whatever you want," Yifan shrugged, following the way the road curved and Yixing began to him.

"I'll think it over," Yixing looked out of the window, Yifan's sight catching the action in the corner of his eye and he let himself take a quick look at the younger boy.

"Okay, let me know when you think of something," Yifan let out a breath, the start of his street coming into view and he could not wait to pull into the driveway and make his way inside with the hopes of actually distracting himself from wanting to gape at Yixing like a child in an aquarium.

"I will," the sixteen year-old whistled between his teeth, talking that way was a habit all three of the boys had developed from each other through the years and it spoke of how much time they spent together. Yifan could small parts of his own habits, and Luhan's too, in Yixing and he guessed that was why he didn't feel romantic feelings for the other.

"Good day?" Yifan queried as they both got out of the car, circling around to enter the house once the door was unlocked.

"I guess so, what about you? You were gone early this morning."

Yifan let his keys fall onto the small oak table they had in the entranceway, "Yeah, early morning practice has been killing me."

"I can only imagine, you were gone for a while," Yixing commented offhandedly. "Your side of the bed was cold when I woke up."

The elder felt slightly guilty, he had purposely left early that morning because he had woken up to avoid having to see Yixing taking his morning shower; his practice began an hour later than when he had arrived at his university's gym. His coach had liked the enthusiasm but Yifan's body clock had not, he was exhausted by the time his first lecture started.

Yifan barely noticed when Yixing placed his smaller hand in his palm, his fingers curled around the much thinner and softer ones automatically and he allowed himself to be led through the house and up the stairs with Yixing's voice buzzing excitably about music. Yifan listened as best as he could but it was difficult to do such a thing when Yixing's ass was right within his eye line on the stairs, he looked up and watched Yixing's dimple appear and then melt into nothing as Yixing spoke with a smile on his face.

The twenty year-old felt awkward about the fact he had stared so hungrily at Yixing, there was something thick and unsettling layering in his throat because of the guilt he felt. He knew that kind of sensation wasn't supposed to be felt when you were attracted so somebody, it wasn't like Yifan could help himself when everything was so confused within him. His head felt muddled when he looked at Yixing, there was a bold sense that he was being drawn in but he knew he _had_ to stay away. There was a degree of trust so high between them that he had to avoid all unwanted thoughts about the younger at all costs.

They were supposed to be brothers, they were only supposed to have platonic emotions for each other when they were together; not the pain of immature attraction and attention.

Yifan had managed to distract himself by helping Yixing with a Chemistry paper he was writing, the sixteen-year-old's words of equations and chemical symbols were enough to pull Yifan out of his decidedly _wrong_ train of thought. He could focus on the paper between them as they looked at the screen of the laptop in the study, his eyes ran through the characters and he did not let his eyes roll back to look over Yixing's body.

That was until Yixing's phone began to buzz in his pocket. Yifan spied that it was Yixing's father, he rose from his seat and ruffled Yixing's hair before giving the younger some privacy to converse with his parents.

Yifan took the opportunity to escape up to his own room, he took out his own phone and dialled a number he knew by heart.

"Kyungsoo," he groaned as soon as the call was answered. "There's something really fucking wrong."

" _What's up? Do you need me to come over?_ "

Yifan closed his eyes in discomfort, "I think I'm a paedophile."

There was a loud choking noise, rustling and a deep breath in, " _A_ what _? Why? How did you even figure that out?_ "

"I have been _noticing_ Yixing so much over the past few days," he ran one of his palms down his face and didn't move it from his mouth until his eyes opened once again, "He's _sixteen_ , Soo, he's a kid. I am physically attracted to somebody who is a _child_? A really beautiful, attractive child. How messed up is that?"

" _Do you find other young people beautiful?_ "

"You don't find beauty in all ages?" Yifan gaped, his heart falling down into his stomach.

" _I'm talking about beauty in the kind of way that you're seeing Yixing. I mean the kind of beauty beyond the platonic._ "

"No," Yifan sighed, his chest loosening just a little. "It's just Yixing but he's still a _kid_."

" _Yifan, you need to remember that you may consider that Yixing is a child but he isn't. Not anymore. Surely you remember how much of an adult you felt like you were when you were his age? I think you'd even had sex at that point already; you definitely weren't a kid then. You're not attracted to somebody who isn't of legal age to do the things you're thinking about. Especially if it is just him you're thinking about._ " There was a paused as Kyungsoo shuffled some things on the other end of the call. " _Think about it this way, it seems scary right now but in two years he'll be eighteen and you'll be twenty-two; if you still feel the same at that point then you can tackle that problem when you face it. I don't have to tell you that being attracted to Yixing isn't wrong, it is what you do about it that would be the problem. And, if you have a problem with the fact he sees you as nothing but a brother, that's something different in itself_."

"Okay," Yifan unleashed his stress through a long exhale, his hand lessening its grip on the device. "I think that's what I needed to hear. Thank you so much."

" _I'm always here to help you out,_ " the line crackled a little, making Kyungsoo sound a little tinny. " _If you feel anything more about this then don't hesitate to call, I'm more than willing to be here for you_."

"I'll see you tomorrow," he began his goodbyes and Kyungsoo returned the sentiment back to him. "Thanks again."

Kyungsoo hummed once before the line cut off, Yifan didn't return back down to the study where Yixing was studying in favour of stretching out across his mattress. Even though his friend's words helped to unfurl some of the tension within his gut, Yifan was still on edge about the whole thing.

The younger male trusted Yifan, looked up to him even, and he could not betray that with the way he felt himself react when he set his eyes upon him. There was little he could do to stop the tumult other than will it away.

 

 

# ♠

 

 

> In all the heat, Yifan could feel hands and lips all over his body, a slight movement of tongue along his skin accented everything he wanted. His blood was boiling up, he could feel it all searing through his veins and scolding every muscle into action; his own fingers were holding tightly to slender hips. The movement between his own body and the one on top of him was situated halfway between rough and sensual - harsher movements rounded off into grinds and undulating sways. He could feel something hot, tight and heavenly around his cock as the other person lifted their hips in a satisfying drag; it didn't even seem to matter to the other that he was slamming his own pelvis into them with a harsh snap. Their moans filled the air, Yifan found himself groaning with the sensations that were climbing through his nerves and shooting into every receptive part of his body. He was in need of release.
> 
> Nothing stopped him from tossing the smaller, more slender frame of his bed partner to the other side of the bed to enable him to fuck more ruthlessly. The other was more than willing, their fingers dragged deep trenches of scratch marks down his back and he relished in the pain that teetered on the border of pleasure. He was slamming himself senselessly into the male form below, the face of his partner obscured by their pale arm covering their face as they tilted their head back in a broken cry. Yifan could feel it building within himself and the one below him; their bodies contracting and chasing heaven before they could even think anything more.
> 
> Yifan came first, the twitching hole around his member was far too much to handle and there was something sinfully pleasing about feeling his cum spurt out into a more than willing and pliant body. That's when he heard it, the cry of something he never wanted to hear during sex and the scream cut through him like a knife, " _Gege_."
> 
> Then it was the face, one which was all too familiar, contorted into everything lust, sin and passion embodied. It left him weak and dazed beyond comprehension.

 

Yifan's eyes slung themselves open, his chest heaving and sweat pooled in the gentle curve of his stomach. He felt dazed peering at the person only a handful of inches from his own and there was a still moment where he let himself take in the sight of Yixing's perfectly still and radiant face. Yifan felt his heart slowly returning to its natural pace, he shifted on his mattress to lay on his side. He managed to ignore the increasing pressure in this nether regions, he told himself that he would not give in to the urge to touch himself while Yixing was blissfully unaware with slumber encasing his body. The twenty year-old was pushing every lewd thought away in hopes of sleeping again but then Yixing's lips parted with a soft popping sound. He watched the younger's soft mouth as something of a little indulgence before he resigned himself to ignoring everything once again.

" _Gege_ ," he watched the two syllable whisper out of Yixing's lips and suddenly there were twisting images of Yifan pinning the sixteen year-old to the bed, to trap him beneath his body and let his mouth-

Yifan's stomach twisted harshly, the arousal that had been there was replaced with something rocketing up his throat and only a blink passed before he was scrambling to his en-suite with gelatinous legs. He crashed into the toilet and clutched the porcelain bowl with a tight grip. Vomit spilled up his throat, through his mouth and into the water that was dished there. His retching didn't halt, it was a continuous onslaught as Yifan remembered his dream in vivid detail and cursed himself for not realising how _wrong_ everything his subconscious has conjured was.

Each new scene that he remembered pushed him into a frenzy of vomit and stomach clenching; nothing he could think of was working to quash those visions from his mind. Tears flooded out of his eyes as he slowly ran out of things to throw up into the toilet bowl. The stench of his vomit didn't aid him in quelling the uneasy feeling that was so deeply ingrained within him.

A small voice in his mind told him that his sickened feeling was a natural reaction to what he had seen, however, yet another issue arose. Yifan came across the fact that he wasn't disgusted in his attraction. He loathed himself because he was the person Yixing called _gege_ and who the sixteen-year-old admired, he should have only thought of being a tenderly loving brother. Not the man who dreamed having the younger riding him while moaning out the honorific in a whimpering tone.

A hand on his back startled him from his thoughts, he looked around and saw Yixing with a more than concerned expression, "Are you okay, ge?"

Yifan hated himself for waking Yixing up, especially on a school night, but couldn't say he didn't like the small hand rubbing the length of his spine or the way Yixing's head tilted forward uncaring of the stench of sick that had filled the room.

"Yes," he dipped his head down, not wanting the stench of his breath to infiltrate Yixing's breathing air. "I think I ate something funny."

"I'll get you a drink, wait here," the teenager left the room, leaving behind Yifan to hang his head onto the seat of the toilet.

Yixing returned with a glass filled to the three-quarter point, he handed it down to Yifan who immediately took a gulp before swishing the liquid around his mouth, all while Yixing's hand returned to his back. He felt confused by the way his heart seemed to vibrate at the sweet act. The younger only moved from his close position by Yifan when the elder began to move, he stood up to brush his teeth and found it laying in wait for him on the counter.

There was a moment where Yixing just watched Yifan through the mirror to ensure that Yifan was completely fine. A few seconds passed before the teenager moved, leaving Yifan's eyes to follow him around the room as he cleaned out the toilet. Yixing was diligent in using bleach, the strong lemon scent pushed out the pungent vomit smell, it was like Yixing was just brushing away all the disgust and replacing it with affection.

Yifan didn't want that though, it left him wanting to subject himself to even more of Yixing's wonderful nature and there was a chance of his attraction developing into _feelings_. He could not let himself fall deeper into the emotions that he felt for the teenager; it was one thing to be physically attracted to the sixteen-year-old but that should not spill into the danger zone of romantic affection. Yifan didn't stop gazing at the younger, who was still pottering around with his cleaning tools while Yifan was scrubbing away at his teeth.

They made their way back to bed quickly, Yixing snuggling down on the mattress and laying with the duvet open for the elder to follow in after him. He lay beside the smaller male and flinched ever so slightly when Yixing's hand rubbed on his stomach in just the same fashion as it had on his back. It was a soothing feeling, the content pressure that Yixing was there, that Yixing was _looking after him_ and _caring for him._ It returned the fluttering to his chest, his heart thudding lightly before thundering away loud enough for Yifan to fear that Yixing would be able to hear it when he was laid so close.

Nevertheless, he found himself relaxing when Yixing curled his body into his, he rested his head on the older man's chest and it made Yifan feel sleep come more quickly. He found his mouth moving of its own accord, making the younger boy freeze up before he, too, settled down once again, "Why are you so wonderful?"

 

 

# ♠

 

A boyfriend. Yifan had, had two of them and Yixing had acquired his first. The sixteen-year-old had chirruped about his dates, leaving Yifan dumbfounded as he finally understood that all those dates were with the same person. It made the elder feel that flare of protectiveness stifle his thoughts whenever the subject was brought up, it prickled his skin and made him uncomfortable. Luhan was often elbowing Yifan or whispering at him to knock it off because Yixing was _smiling_. The oldest of the trio found himself backing down quickly under the scorn of his younger brother, especially when Yixing actually seemed excited about things like he was when he had been younger.

That bubbly attitude, the squealing laughs Yixing released when Yifan tickled him at night or his smile when Yifan praised him, did nothing to reject the older boy's slowly growing feelings. It was a struggle, the slimy feeling of jealousy joined the irritation that came with wanting to protect the younger boy in the depths of his stomach.

Things only worsened when Yixing told Yifan that things had become official between him and the boy he had been dating; he found himself _hating_ it. The boyfriend, who Yifan never wanted to dignify with getting to know, began to appear in his living room often. The three sixteen year-olds were a force to be reckoned with when they were together, two of them annoying Yifan and the other frustrating him in a whole different way.

Yifan had to suffer through sleeping beside Yixing almost every night; the younger still snuggled into his side, he still held Yifan's hand as they walked around and he still talked to Yifan like he was the only person in the room. It made him hyper-aware of the way they touched each other and came into contact with one another. None of it seemed brotherly anymore, not to Yifan. There were things he could do with Yixing that made him notice that he would never treat Luhan in the same way.

It was a direct hit when Yifan came home to soft panting sounds floating from the living room, he could half anticipate what he would see and nothing stopped him from slowing his steps to move quietly to where the lounge door was slightly open. There was nothing wrong in taking a look, he told himself.

When he came at eye level to the six inch wide divide between the door and the architrave, he stopped with a silent breath and watched as he took in the sight of Yixing and his boyfriend. Their kissing was fiery, heavy with passion and Yifan knew that kind of lip lock so very well. The make out sessions he had when he was around Yixing's age were weighted down by lust and urges; tongues thrashed and bodies craved. Yifan watched like an unknown voyeur, his tongue wetting his lips as he observed the way Yixing's body curved as he straddled his boyfriend with the ever so slight rock of his hips. The twenty-year-old could imagine how that would feel after many years of having Yixing huddled on his chest as they slept and Yifan found something replace the avoirdupois of shame in the bowels of his emotion.

He knew immediately it was jealousy. Or maybe it was envy. All he knew was that _he_ wanted to be the one Yixing's tongue lashed at so very furiously, the one who bruised his lips and made him whimper through instinct. It was all angled lust, sharp and penetrating to Yifan's chest and he knew that his newly discovered _feelings_ for Yixing were buckling, struggling mightily, under the weight of his new want to covet Yixing. And still, Yifan didn't stop watching. He could not stop himself. The minutes flew past and soon he was hard, leaking and doing everything in his power to stop imagining himself as Yixing's boyfriend. It was not right.

Yifan only brought himself to move when he heard Luhan's keys turn in the front door, he took quick and light footsteps down the hallway and into the kitchen. He twisted around the corner, plucking a water bottle from the refrigerator and downing as much of it as he could before his brother walked into the house completely. He found himself softening as Luhan screeched out: "Zhang Yixing, what the fuck are you doing with that boy on my couch?"

Yifan took a deep breath in; composure. He left the safety of the kitchen, witnessing as Luhan dragged Yixing from the living room by his ear.

"You," Luhan growled as he saw Yifan, making Yixing look up in horror at the eldest.

"Me?" The twenty-year-old pointed to himself.

"Yes, you, idiot," his brother growled. "Did you know that this imbecile was practically dry-fucking his boyfriend in our living room?" Yifan shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "You knew and you didn't stop him?! I thought you were the protective freak, not me."

"He's not a kid, Lu," Yifan found himself saying, half justifying things to himself. "He's got a boyfriend, it's not like it's a complete stranger."

Yixing looked flushed faced, his lips swollen and hair in slight disarray but Yifan couldn't help but note how the youngest of them all was staring at him, chest heaving and eyes still dark with lust. The sixteen-year-old looked almost predatory and Yifan had to look over to Luhan to regain some of his equanimity again.

"I've done worse things in the house while you've both been here," Yifan regretted the words as soon as they left his lips, not because they sounded vulgar but Luhan appeared furious and Yixing flinched ever so slightly. "I'm not saying I like that it happens, heck I hate it, but Yixing's learning about himself."

Luhan released Yixing's ear with a huff before dragging Yixing's boyfriend out of the house by his wrist. Nothing more was said about the topic once Yifan saw his parents enter the house with bags full of takeout.

Yifan only spoke up again when they were in bed; Yixing's head on Yifan's chest and his legs fully wrapped up in Yifan's - their hands weren't clasped but they touched as they settled in the tiny space on Yifan's far right hip. "Does your boyfriend know we sleep like this?"

The question was light, almost airy, and Yixing took a few seconds to reply. "Yeah," there was a swallow so deep that he could feel Yixing's Adam's Apple move against his shoulder, "he knows I sleep in a bed with you most nights but I don't think he knows it entails _this_."

Yixing's little finger caught Yifan's thumb in a small hook and Yifan knew what _this_ was; it was how Yixing's side of the bed hadn't been slept in for months, how they cuddled as soon as the lights went out and that Yixing's face settled under Yifan's jaw, his lips ghosting over the skin of his neck.

"It's not like we're doing anything wrong by doing _this_ , right?" Yixing's voice was quiet, it had the same timid hush to it as when he told Yifan he was gay - it was the fear of rejection and the fear that somebody would tell him it was wrong.

"I don't think I could sleep any other way," Yifan's honesty was firm, the confidence in his words leading to a quick kiss to Yixing's hair. "But I like that this is just us, you know? It makes sense because it's _us_ and I don't think others would understand that."

Yixing hummed in agreement, his little finger pulling Yifan's hand up until their digits were in line with one another and he bound their palms together in a firm hold.

"About earlier," Yifan whispered, closing his eyes when Yixing looked up at him, "don't do that again, at least not when I, or Luhan for that matter, can come home and see it."

"Why?"

"I didn't like it," Yifan murmured, "I didn't want to cause a scene in front of your boyfriend and embarrass you but I'm saying this now, don't do that."

Yixing was quiet for a minute, his spare hand moving by his head to trace patterns on Yifan's neck as light as a zephyr. "Are you jealous?"

"No," Yifan lied through his teeth, his fingers grazing over the ones entwined with his. "Just protective.”

"Okay, _gege_ ," Yixing whispered, his head returning to its usual place on Yifan's left clavicle, his breath touching where his fingertips did not.

 

 

# ♠

 

Yixing's break-up happened not even a few days after their hushed talk that revealed too much and hid even more; Yixing didn't cry. Yifan waited for the tears but they never came. Not in the middle of the night when Yifan stayed awake in fear that he'd sleep through Yixing's split from his boyfriend finally hitting him full force. Not in the early mornings when Yifan brushed his teeth while Yixing showered behind the steamed up perspex of his shower. Not even when Luhan stole Yixing away for a night, their hushed voices filled the top floor of the house in mutterings that Yifan couldn't discern but he could feel the importance of the conversation between both the younger boys.

Luhan had watched Yifan and Yixing interacting intently the next morning, his eyes filling with knowing that Yifan wasn't privy to whenever Yixing smiled under Yifan's touch or laughed at one of Yifan's jokes that were anything but funny. Yifan sent his brother questioning looks but he shrugged them off; Yixing hissed out a whined ' _Luhan_ ' whenever the middle child watched them interact as they normally did. Something changed but Yifan was the only one who was lost.

 

# ♠

 

Wu-Zhang house parties were notorious among the youth of their suburb during their younger years but that had spread out to Yifan's university since his first birthday as a student. When Yifan had a party, it was in everybody's best interest to receive an invite from the tall male. His parents never minded as long as the three boys stuck to their set of rules:

  1. _No fights_
  2. _No overcrowding_
  3. _No neighbour complaints_
  4. _Absolutely, no police_



It wasn't hard to keep to them when every party was invite only. Yifan never shied away from using his dark aura and intimidating height to ward off those who weren't desired; he had only used it once before. There had been a girl, one of Luhan's prospective date interests, who had been a little too pushy with Yixing - constantly plying him with more alcohol than Yifan limited him with, her hands not stopping their appreciative scrawl over Yixing's skin and she didn't move away when the boy pushed her away. The twenty-year-old never believed in hurting women, hurting anybody for that matter, but he'd felt a murderous glint slash within him when Yixing sought comfort behind him as he pushed the girl out of their front door. She had been promptly banned by the Wu-Zhang brothers.

Their recent organised gathering was the biggest hit so far, especially since Yifan had upped the sixteen-year-olds' drink limit to six cups of whatever they wanted; not just beer of under 4% and not just three bottles. There was a worrying moment the night before when Yifan regretted his decision as Yixing talked about trying tequila, gin and vodka when they had settled together beneath a thinner duvet as the weather warmed.

The elder didn't see Yixing and Luhan for a few hours, Yifan stuck with his own friends and he remained almost plastered by Kyungsoo's side as he drank more little by little. He didn't dance, he just acted as the host and made sure that everybody had a full glass without allowing people to become ridiculously drunk. He found himself settling into the flow a little more as he spotted the two younger boys laughing boisterously as they kept themselves to themselves in the hallway by the stairs. They weren't too drunk and Luhan had shown the proud sign of five when Yifan had gestured to his own cup, it let him cut that little looser.

Yifan trailed behind his friends as they made their way into the lounge, where the music played the loudest and guests danced around in the empty space. There must have been almost twenty or thirty people crammed into the room, all their drinks held tightly and their bodies pressed together.

Luhan and Yixing seemed to follow closely behind, their laughter rushing through the air and Yifan was relieved at their joy. He stood at the edge of the room, swallowed up his drink as they began to dance. Yixing went off on his own while Luhan latched onto a girl Yifan knew was way out of his league but he still silently cheered his brother on. He could see Yixing drink the rest of his cup, completely unknowing of the contents and strength of the liquid in it but Yifan knew nothing bad would happen to the younger with him as his watchdog. In reality, the person who put Yixing most at risk was Yifan himself.

In the swathes of limbs and bodies, his eyes could only focus on one person in the room, his gaze never moved away in the minutes that passed. A feeling, intense and crippling, settled in his stomach to simmer there until his stare was met. He had promised himself that he wouldn't watch that night, he shouldn't have watched, but he couldn't help it.

He told himself in an attempt to convince a lie into becoming the truth that it was brotherly love and affection he felt. Every part of him screamed that it wasn't and the dark eyes that met his return reflected that.

All the red hot heat that had engulfed his bloodstream turned white under the dark, hooded look he was receiving. It felt forbidden, his heart was strained by notions that were begging for freedom and he knew he would slip over the edge. The figure approached, his gait much like that of a stalking tiger and Yifan felt enclosed, pinned, by the sight. It was like something from a fantasy.

If only a snapshot in time, it was worth it.

It made him incapable of resisting a warm hand on his wrist that meandered teasingly up to the sensitive inner part of his bicep. His shudder caused by the movement was stilted in this spine when his eyes caught sight of the one in front of him, they were dark and lusting.

"Keep a look out for Luhan," Yixing whispered as his mouth rose to Yifan's ear, the elder did as advised but saw that the hoard of people had swallowed his younger brother up as Yixing began to vaguely mouth at the area around Yifan’s jugular vein.

"Xing-ah," Yifan warned, his mind screaming for him to push the younger boy away. "Don't."

"Why not?" Yixing whispered.

"You're drunk," the twenty-year-old could taste the liquor on Yixing's breath and knew that drunk would be an overstatement, tipsy but still in control was more accurate. Yixing was just a little more liberated, much like Yifan. However, it was easier for Yifan to pry himself away when he convinced himself that Yixing was inebriated. "If you're going to be stupid, just go to bed."

Yixing moved away, his hands still clutching at Yifan's arms, "Only if you tuck me in, will you do that for me, _gege_?"

Yifan looked back out at his friends and ignored the glaring warning look that Kyungsoo was sending his way, he was so close to telling Yixing to go up alone but then he looked back at the lusting boy before him. He prayed to god, and Kyungsoo, for forgiveness as he gripped at Yixing's hand and pulled him out of the living room. They both ran up the stairs, Yixing giggling and Yifan sweating with nerves that had clogged his brain. He was sober, so much more so than before, but the edges of reality were still hazy as he opened his bedroom door and felt Yixing's firm, dancer grip push him into the closest wall.

The teenager kissed him. Yixing kissed Yifan. The _didi_ kissed the _gege_. It was so utterly wrong but Yifan's hands clutched at Yixing's jaw and his tongue was almost instantly in the younger boy's willing mouth. Yifan wanted so much. His lips ran with Yixing's, the pressure was perfect and there was nothing Yifan could do to guide Yixing in his lip movements; the younger was the aggressor but he let Yifan lead him through. The sixteen year-old curled his head back, letting Yifan exert more power and to press their chests even closer together. Yifan could feel how Yixing's shirt rubbed against his own. There was a hint of nipple that grazed up Yifan's boldly defined pectoral muscles, it sent addicting shocks through Yifan's body that Yixing's nipples were hard after such little stimulation. The younger male was whining, his breaking voice stuttering in his throat as Yifan's expert tongue danced around his smaller one. Yifan was growing harder, his erection almost halfway there as Yixing's hips pressed further into his. That was where Yifan felt how much more affected Yixing was and that only reminded him of the younger boy's inexperience.

Yixing pulled back slightly, dragging Yifan to the bed where he pushed the older male down and began to straddle his hips immediately. Flashes of when Yifan had watched Yixing make out with his ex-boyfriend flooded his mind; he gripped a little harder a pushed more of his own force into the kiss that little bit more. He felt that jealous and the envy crushing through his body and there was no stopping himself when his palms ran to Yixing's ass and his fingers squeezed the fleshy globes tightly. The action made Yixing buck forward and release his most need moan.

"Fuck me," Yixing keened against his lips. " _Gege_ , please fuck me."

Yifan pulled back, his hair dug deeply into the pillow beneath his head, "No."

Yixing stopped chasing to kiss Yifan again, his eyes wider and his saliva slicked lips parted in speechlessness.

"I can't, not while you're drunk," Yifan's hand moved up to the younger's face and fanned against his cheek, his finger curled into where Yixing's hair had begun to grow a little long. "You broke up with your boyfriend barely a week ago, I'd be taking advantage of you."

"But I asked you, you didn't start a thing," Yixing argued, his forehead resting down on Yifan's, "It's not taking advantage if I'm the instigator."

"It can be, Yixing," Yifan whispered, not moving an inch.

"Do you not want me like that?" Yixing's voice was frail, his alcohol controlled emotions taking over a little more than they should have. "Am I just somebody for you to kiss tonight? I've watched you at parties before, you make out with random people and don't think that I don't know why you ask me to stay in with Luhan all of those times. I'm not stupid, not when you throw out your bedding the morning after. You've fucked those people, why won't you fuck me?"

"You're different, Yixing," his voice choked, the crack making him seem like the one who was nearing the latter stages of his puberty and not Yixing. "You're so much more and you're a virgin, you need to save that for somebody who you want to take it when you're sober."

"Everybody talks about how I should save it for somebody who cares for me, somebody who won't freeze me out afterwards, somebody who will take me how I want them to, somebody who will show me that I'm worth something and somebody who will hold me close when it's over," Yixing swallowed deeply. "You would do all those things. I know you would."

Yifan couldn't deny that, not a single bit, because he was most likely that somebody.

"Don't you want somebody your own age?" he asked, making Yixing look at him questioningly. "I'm so much older than you."

"Is that what the issue is? Age?" Yixing pulled away almost completely. "I don't care about our ages, why do you?"

 _Because I'm the adult,_ Yifan wanted to scream but then Yixing's tongue was wetly pressing to his earlobe in a way that Yifan didn't know made him weak.

"I'm not a kid," the teenager whispered with his tongue commencing its previous action enough to make Yifan release a breathy moan. "You did far worse than this when you were my age."

"That doesn't make it okay," Yifan fought the urge to give in, he wanted to cave and his mind clouded as Yixing's nimble hands made their way down his body to meet where his black belt was buckled against his hips. He felt the leather shift and whip away from his body, Yixing not pulling it out of the belt loops and leaving it suggestively slung open.

"I want you to be my first time, _gege_ ," Yixing muttered, his eyes casting down before something switched within the younger boy and Yifan feared what was to be said next. "Maybe I should have given myself to my ex-boyfriend when he begged me for it. I should have let it be him who fucked me, or maybe I should have fucked him? I should have let him be the one who made m─"

Yifan didn't want to hear anymore, so he did all he could think of and flipped the pair of them over until Yixing was pressed into the mattress by his body. Yifan knew Yixing was doing it to rile him up, he knew how to get under Yifan's skin and the elder hated how easily it could be done.

Yixing's hands undid the button and zipper of Yifan's jeans, he was trying to tug them down much to Yifan's chagrin and the boundaries of his limits. He found no other solution than to pin Yixing's hands above his head, the younger boy's ever growing arms stretched out beneath him and Yifan thought that Yixing looked edible in such a position. Yixing giggled at the action with his lips spread wide and he clearly thought that Yifan was going to take him then. The twenty-year-old could not deny that he felt the urge to effervesce in each of his pores. Irresistible; that's what Yixing was. There was nothing Yifan wanted more than to have their bare skin rubbing, sliding with sweat and breaths cascading into each other's mouths howbeit he couldn't do that. Not to Yixing. Not so soon.

The younger boy's hips ground upwards, it shocked every nerve in his body until there was nothing else to feel. Yixing was persistent with his urging Yifan on, using his body to encourage the elder into give in to what was passing between them, the unadulterated lust that had mixed with that little something that made Yifan's chest feel lighter while the teenager was round. Yifan decided that giving Yixing part of what he wanted was not wrong; he could give Yixing a first without being _the_ first. That led to Yifan pressing his own hips down to meet the smaller male's, the rough edges of their denim jeans collided and Yifan could feel his undone zipper stimulating them both with its rough teeth as it scraped past both of their erections.

Yifan was sucked so deeply in by Yixing, their foreheads meeting at a hot axis and their lips searched for one another, docking onto each other as though they had found home barely seconds later. Their languid mouths vastly contradicted their quickly and roughly thrusting hips, they pushed each other furthermore into the realms of no return. As time passed, the contact they had wasn't quite enough, which caused Yifan to pull back and use one of his arms that had been pinning Yixing's hands to bend one of the flexible younger's legs up until it was crushed up against his chest. Yifan relished in the new found space, he used it to be more earnest in his hip movements, their grinding and driving happening in a way that had Yixing whimpering out.

The older of the two was surprised at how long Yixing lasted with his head thrown back in pleasure, his eyes closed in ecstasy and his voice calling out in wanting over the music playing floors below. Yifan couldn't believe the sight before him, the boy he had adored like a brother since the moment they met was flushed with arousal below him, begging _him_ for more. Something in that turned Yifan on even more, letting his hands abandon Yixing's completely in favour of letting his thumb skim over where he could see the outlines of the younger boy's nipple beneath his slowly soaking shirt. Yifan could not believe how Yixing mewled at that contact, it was a loud gush of: " _Yifan_."

The sound called out to a more primal instinct of the twenty-year-old and his tongue was tracing the lines of Yixing's ear within a heartbeat, his teeth teased at the flesh and everything worked away at Yixing's sanity until he was chanting nothing but " _Fan, Fan, Fan,_ " over like a needy mantra.

Yixing was an addiction; his sounds, his body, his voice, his glazed eyes, his heaving chest, his beauty and his trust. Yifan couldn't get enough, he'd never have Yixing and that only made his thirst grow as he felt Yixing's erection twitch beneath the thick fabric separating them. The taller knew that Yixing must have felt uncomfortable so he slowly undid the younger's trousers with the hand that had been teasing over the sensitive bud on his chest, his thumb and forefinger teased the zipper down while his hips ground in unrelenting stimulation on the younger, it was enough to have Yixing's underwear wetting as the boy suddenly gripped at his shoulders. " _Gege_ ," was all Yixing cried as he came under Yifan's fleeting fingers and ever moving hips. His eyes were wide open to take in the sight of Yifan above him and that image of Yixing through his orgasm and the moments afterwards branded themselves into Yifan's mind, he would never forget it.

That mere reaction was enough to have Yifan shuddering as he came in his jeans, his head falling down to align his lips with Yixing's ear as he growled out a lowly pitched, "Yixing."

He stayed there panting over the younger boy's body and Yixing rose up on his elbows to kiss Yifan's lips sweetly, his fingers threaded through the elder's hair and Yifan could feel the hot tips of his fingers drag along the top of his skull in an affectionate graze. They didn't say anything for a while, Yifan's alcohol had completely burned out of his system and he did not feel a single drop of the guilt he had anticipated, it left him ever so slightly dazed.

He shifted from Yixing's body, kissing wherever he could as he moved and the younger giggled out happily, his left leg still weakly twitching from his orgasm. That image had Yifan skirting his finger down to rub at the muscle that was littered with small spasms and he watched Yixing relax under the touch, his mouth releasing a breathy moan. His eyebrow rose in curiosity, taking note that the spot behind Yixing's knee was an area of sensitivity before he pulled away completely. He stripped off his own jeans, thankful that Yixing did too, before they began to stick to the younger boy's body and pulled out some of their pyjama pants out from the drawer that was just across the room. He threw a pair at Yixing, uncaring that they were his own and they both changed without looking at one another.

Yixing beamed up at Yifan when the elder climbed into the bed beside him, their lips meeting somewhere in the middle automatically and Yifan could taste everything that was Yixing on his tongue.Their kisses sealed themselves off, their tongues retreating back into their own bodies and Yifan adored the way Yixing's lips fit between his on their lingering, closed mouth kisses. Their eyes were open for most of it, unblinkingly staring at one another as they shared small moments of intimacy, Yixing shuddered and Yifan understood the action all too well.

Yifan didn't mind being a part of Yixing's rebound process, it didn't even hurt him when he knew he had already indulged in too much of the younger already. He couldn't find it within himself to care in those slow moments for the repercussions that would surely come in the morning but he couldn't bring himself to. Not when he was coated in a layer of Yixing's Nutmeg and Ginger scent. Not when he had Yixing's lips on his own. Not when Yixing cuddled so closely to his side that he had nowhere to move.

Yifan couldn't care at all.

 

# ♠

 

Yifan had blundered and pushed himself through multiple break-ups and minor heartaches, they were something he could easily overcome and grow on the other side of it. Nothing, however, compared to the raw heartbreak he felt when Yixing woke up the next morning with the question of, _"When did I go to bed last night?"_ on his lips. It had made Yifan want to vacate his room, maybe even throw up a little as he realised that Yixing could have been more inebriated than he had initially anticipated. The younger couldn't remember and that was enough to have Yifan announcing breakfast and stumbling his way down the stairs. He only stopped when he got to the kitchen where he used a cupboard door to bash his head against. Maybe he could knock the sense he had lacked the night before into his own head that way.

"What's eating you?" A familiar voice, deeper than usual but still completely recognisable.

"I fucked up," Yifan's own was scratchy, apparently he had been more vocal during his and Yixing's little session than he'd thought.

"I know, I saw," the voice behind him said, making him look over his shoulder at his best friend. "I thought you were going to stay away."

"I did too, Soo," Yifan turned and got water from the fridge, taking a sip to quell the burning in his throat. "But he's so perfect all the time, I can't help myself. Especially not when he asks."

"You know, I always kind of knew this would happen between the two of you," Kyungsoo shrugged out, making Yifan side eye him from where he was stood. "Do you remember that girl you really liked, it was around a year ago? That short haired one from your class?" Yifan nodded in response as he took another swig of his water. "Well, as soon as Yixing said he didn't really like her, you dropped her like she was nothing. Not to mention the hundreds of other times that has happened, do you know how many of your relationships have ended because either Yixing didn't like them or they didn't like Yixing?"

Yifan gulped down his water, "No."

"All of them."

Yifan's eyes widened, his heart stopping in its place in his chest and he found it ridiculous to believe such a thing. And yet, when he searched through his memories, he knew his friend was right.

"Fuck," he groaned, hitting a new patch of his head on the cupboards.

"Last night," his friend began, his voice lowering. "You didn't, you know, go all the way with him, right?"

Yifan shook his head, "No, we had our clothes on but he was─he was under me... Oh god, I'm going straight to hell, aren't I?"

"Did he give consent?" Kyungsoo pressed, his eyes suddenly wide with worry.

"Yeah, he started it and he told me to keep going," Yifan recalled, making his friend's shoulders sag down.

"You didn't do anything illegal then, Yifan," he rubbed his back. "He's old enough to give consent and if he gave it then there's nothing wrong with it."

"But he was drunk─"

"How many times have you been drunk but completely aware of what you're doing?"

"Every time, but th─"

"This is no different, okay? He knew what he was doing and he wanted you. Don't let this eat you up, you're not a bad person."

They both quieted as Luhan, with his hair in utter disarray and eyes screaming ' _I have a hangover, go away_ ' walked into the room. Yifan took a breath, drinking the rest of his water bottle before realising that he may not have been a bad person but he had been an awful brother. He had been the worst and that was enough to make him promise himself that he'd stay away from the sixteen-year-old who was in his bed two storeys above his head.

 

 

# ♠

 

Spring strolled straight into the summer months; the temperature rose and the tension in Yifan's stomach did the very same. He felt as though he lost his reasoning with each day that passed, every moment spent with Yixing was a moment where he felt as though he was walking across hot coals. There was no way of escaping the younger boy; they shared a bed, shared a house and shared Luhan. They were constantly around one another and Yifan could not help but notice how beautiful Yixing became as life passed by. His shoulders filled out, his waist tapered perfectly and his legs were filled with the power a dancer would need. It was so difficult to ignore every small change that showed as Yixing gradually progressed from being an adolescent to a young man. Yifan could note that his younger brother was doing the same, Luhan had been a very big hit with girls of almost every age with his handsome aura but Yifan was constantly gazing at Yixing.

The heat did not help, not in any way.

For two years since getting his license the eldest of the three boys had treated his youngers to spontaneous days out on school days. Yifan had completely forgotten about the tradition until he had bumped into a familiar face while food shopping for his parents, Zhang Ziyi had been meandering around with her trolley when she had noticed Yifan appearing torn between two different kinds of cooking sauce. The woman had become a pianist in an orchestra and was happily engaged, as she had divulged to Yifan after greeting him in a friendly manner he barely deserved after the years of dismissal he had given her. Her laughing voice had reminded Yifan of all the escapades Yixing used to recite to the woman and Yifan had found himself longing for some of that impromptu attitude he'd let slip during the month since his last party.

Three days later, Yifan called the high school whilst pretending to be his own father and had claimed that Yixing had one of his doctor appointments and it was far easier for them to take Luhan along with them. Within the following thirty minutes, piled into the car Yifan was driving was Luhan, Yixing and Ziyi. The two adults knew exactly where they were headed on the ridiculously hot day but the boys buzzing around in the back seats had no clue at all. Yifan had packed up everything they would need and Ziyi was there to pay as a distraction from the teenagers' incessant questioning.

Ziyi filled the time as she talked about music with Yixing and soccer with Luhan, apparently her fiancée had been one of Luhan's seniors, and Yifan was relieved that he wouldn't be pestered as he took the long journey out of the city. The air conditioning was on full blast and Yixing's phone was plugged into the console, allowing him to show some of his compositions to Ziyi and Yifan couldn't stop his smile. He adored the passionate fire that flared in Yixing's eyes when he talked about music and the sheer ferocity in which his excitement came as he talked about his future plans. The driver wished he knew more about semitones, interval classes and cents; he wanted to talk to Yixing about that part of his life. Just like Yixing could when they would watch basketball together. Yifan didn't want to be left out of the part of Yixing's heart that made it beat.

"Oh my god," Luhan screeched over Yixing's soothing tone. "We are going to the beach."

Yifan's eyes flicked from the road to look up at Yixing's expression in the rear view mirror, he watched as Yixing considered the other boy's exclaimed suggestion and that thought turned into something raw. _Joy_.

Yifan was ecstatic that he had been the shepherd of that flock of feeling. There was nothing he wanted more than to be the reason why Yixing smiled and when his eyes met the younger's in the mirror, he let himself soak in all the light that Yixing's face splitting grin was emitting.

Neither of the adults confirmed or denied Luhan's guess but it was almost certain in the car that they would come into contact with sand and salty water. There was something about the road trip they took to the East coast that had made the two younger boys always seem happier than anything else, maybe it was the way that they radiated a refreshed attitude or the way they seemed to let the chatter of the seagulls play over their own voices. Yifan loved watching the teenagers act like they were the age that they were.

Yifan pulled into a space next to the wall that lined the back of the beach, the wind was non-existent and the sun was set to fully blaze through the whole day. The warmth was already making his temples bubble up with sweat and he could see Ziyi downing large amounts of her iced water, her body pinking with the heat and Yifan knew that the passengers in the back of the car would be no better.

They collected the items from the car and Luhan declared a race to the water once they were all set up on the beach, it made Yixing gleefully squeal at the idea of being able to wipe the floor with everybody else. Ziyi decided to sit out, as somebody had to look after their stuff and Yifan didn't want her to feel left behind by the group, so he plonked himself down beside her. With their normal clothing removed, the two adults watched on as Yixing and Luhan dashed down to the waterline in their uniforms before returning with soft shoves at each other's shoulders.

"Who won?" Ziyi asked, her hand shielding her eyes from the glare of the sun.

"Yixing," Luhan grumbled and Yifan looked at how Yixing was practically glowing from that face and he observed as Yixing's eyes drifted between Yifan and Ziyi slowly. He was certain that the falter in Yixing's smile when he took in their proximity wasn't reality but Yifan couldn't ignore how Yixing's mood dampened slightly at the sight of Yifan being close to his musical senior.

"Xing-ah," Yifan said before he really thought about what he was going to say. Was he going to apologise for not being pressed to Yixing's side for the whole time?

"Yes, _gege_ ," Yixing looked down at the elder, the brightness silhouetting him against the light sky.

"Uh," Yifan stumbled. He cleared his throat and tried again, "I packed your beach stuff in this bag, there's a bathroom just up the beach where you can get changed."

Yifan nudged the bag towards the younger boy and there was something in the way the teenager's body language changed after Yifan showed that his main focus was him; a fanning peacock, that was the only way to describe it. He could see Yixing's chest puff out under his sweat soaked shirt and it took everything in Yifan's power not to search for the nipples beneath.

"Thanks, Fan-ge," Yixing fell to his knees and dug through the black strapped bag and pulled out the things Yifan had prepared him. One of the items was a large basketball jersey and Yifan watched closely as Yixing _discreetly_ brought it to his face when he thought nobody was looking and draw in the scent they both knew would have lingered on the fibres. Yifan denied that his heart stuttered. He denied it vehemently.

Luhan was the next to rummage through the bag and Yifan watched them both make their way back across the sand to where Yifan had directed them and he laid out on his towel again when they were out of his eye line.

"I didn't know you two had something going on," Ziyi hummed, her voice soft but Yifan's head turned so harshly that it clicked. "I don't think Luhan does either."

"We don't," Yifan knew he wasn't lying, even if he wished he was.

"That look he gave me says otherwise," she laughed.

"What look?"

"The one that I read to be ' _stay away from what's mine_ '."

"But there's nothing between us," he reconfirmed.

"There's more than you think," she smiled, her sunglasses moving up slightly and they both let the subject drop. There was no need to say anything more, they both knew what was implied.

They talked back into the safe realms of old school friends and shared interests, being sure to steer clear of the person they had in common. Yifan found it easy to laugh with Ziyi, she was a vibrant person and Yifan was reminded of the times Yixing's eyes would sparkle in admiration of her in the nights where they talked about their days. Their conversation only stopped when the two younger boys returned, Luhan wearing his shorts without his shirt, much like Yifan, and Yixing was proudly wearing the jersey that Yifan had bought from himself the year before.

"Ge," Luhan called, making Yifan lift his own brown tinted sunglasses to look at his brother. "Do you have any food?"

"Yeah, it's in the cool bag," he let his eyes fall back to Yixing who was letting the sand fall between his fingers with a sense of wonder at how somebody could look so adorable doing such a thing. Once again, before he could stop himself, he was saying Yixing's name. The younger boy jolted in surprise before smiling softly at the elder, "Are you hungry too?"

He shook his head and Yifan laid back down, his eyes closing and it wasn't long until somebody was lying down beside him on his wide towel. Yixing's nutmeg and ginger smell wafting in the air.

"Fanfan-ge," the younger whispered, "I'm hot."

"Take your shirt off then," he responded as nonchalantly as he possibly could.

"I have," he whined and Yifan permitted himself to sneak a peek at the form he always wished to have in his hands. He could see lines of toned muscle and sunscreen-slicked skin; his tongue licked his lips. "Can you take me to the water?"

Most of Yifan's mind screamed that saying _yes_ would be his demise and yet he nodded his head, the constantly horny part of his brain supplied him with visions of Yixing dripping in water, Yixing wearing _only_ his swimming shorts and Yixing pressing his bare chest to Yifan's when the water got a little too cold. He willed those thoughts back into their vault in the back of his head as he stood up on the hot sand.

Yifan allowed himself to be led down the beach, right to where the seawater curled into foamy crowns and splashed sun warmer droplets on his ankles. He didn't stop as Yixing waded out with no hint of flinching as the cooler recesses of the ocean came towards them, his own stomach tensed as it finally touched at his waist. He couldn't help but wonder how Yixing let the water touch at his ribs without even shivering. Yifan wondered how he could be so hot all time. In every sense of the word.

"Cooler now?" He questioned anyway.

"Better," Yixing grinned, slowly slipping down until he was submerged to his chin in the water and staring up at Yifan intently. "Are you not enjoying yourself,  _gege_?"

"The water isn't as warm as I would have liked."

"Maybe we should come back later in the season," Yixing mused, his arms stretching under the surface of the water. "The sun could do its job then; warm the sea temperature up even more."

"Maybe," Yifan looked to his side at the horizon, hating how much he wished he could gaze at the teenager all day.

"Or you could just be getting old, _yeye_ ," Yifan's head whipped around at Yixing's words and he could see the young boy restraining a giggle, making his cheeks turn bright red.

"Did you just call me _grandfather_?" Yifan jokingly growled, pulling Yixing's hand playfully with two of his fingers and he relished in the lighthearted squeak that left the other's mouth.

"Do you need to get your memory checked, _yeye_? Huh?" Yixing was smiling brightly, his cheek dimpling in the most wonderful of ways. "Your memory is very important."

"You're such a little shit."

Yixing laughed, loud and airy, "You like me this way."

"I wish I didn't," Yifan slipped, his heart stopping in his chest as Yixing's eyes widened a little but he played it as cool as he could when the other looked at him with his surprised expression. He raised an eyebrow; a challenge.

Yixing burst into giggles before too much time passed and dragged Yifan deeper into the water with his hand, right up to where the elder's body was beginning to submerge on his own and he acquiesced the younger's silent plea by diving through the surface. They splashed around for a while before Luhan was knee deep, whining and wanting to swim with his brother and Yixing had jokingly pushed Yifan towards the shoreline before leaving to coast his way up the sand and plonk himself down beside Ziyi.

Yifan gave his full attention to Luhan; making him laugh, wrestling around with him and coating his light brown dyed hair in the water.

They fumbled around and laughed so much they weren't sure if their cheeks or ribs ached more, it was buoyant playfulness. Brotherly love. Yifan adored his junior and made definitive action to pay him the consideration he consistently lacked to give him. As much as he enjoyed spending his time with Yixing, his loyalties _should_ lay where blood ran with the similar genes.

The day passed peacefully as the three boys and Ziyi tired themselves out, ending with them all sunbathing on the towels and eating almost all of the food packed into the cooling bag. Driving back was more peaceful than the journey there. Luhan and Ziyi took the back, leaving Yixing to be the one to tend to Yifan's driving needs, which Yixing translated to holding Yifan's hand as soothing music flowed through the vehicle. It was clammy, holding hands, but it was chest slowing, warmth spreading; silent dialogue.

Once they had dropped Ziyi off at her apartment building, the three of them watching her through the door and waiting for the third light on the fifth floor turned on - just like she said it would - before driving their way home. Luhan retreated to his bedroom first, Yixing following him up as Yifan sorted everything out into their rightful places. He got a knowing look from his parents, their eyes flashing with recognition that the three boys had done _their_ thing but they didn't say anything out loud. They knew it was a rare break and the two high school students worked better after they'd had their mini breaks, the teenagers had hit refresh and they would be okay until their next official vacation from school.

Yifan didn't mind that Yixing wasn't waiting for him in bed, he could hear the chatter of his light voice, along with Luhan's, echoing through the top floor of the house and he settled easily into his own bed once he had showered. The cool sheets soothed his warm skin and he closed his eyes, unfurling on his mattress fully.

Yifan stirred only once that night and that was only to welcome the slender body of the person whose scent of nutmeg and ginger filled every ebbing ounce of air into the space next to him. He dreamed of dimples, sunlight, glittering water and soft lips until he woke up.

 

 

# ♠

 

Yixing getting back into a relationship with his ex-boyfriend planted an ever growing seed of doubt in Yifan's head. The sprouting thought told him that Yixing had gone to him at that party because Yifan was responsive and willing, he was receptive to every touch, caressing breath and brush of lips, and that made him the best source of distraction from heartbreak. Maybe Yixing didn't outwardly show his previous anguish over his sudden split with his boyfriend but it drove Yifan insane that every lingering look he had caught since wasn't what he had interpreted it to be. Yixing _didn't_ like him in the romantic sense. Yifan was a source of platonic and filial love that Yixing craved. He should have known that.

Yet that small revelation did nothing to protect Yifan from seeing Yixing flirting with somebody right under his nose, having to deal with nights alone when Yixing was staying at his boyfriend's house or being the person who Yixing unloaded his relationship successes onto. It sparked that feeling that Yifan had discovered was covetous jealousy and the protective instinct of reclaiming what was his.

But Yixing wasn't _his_. Yixing was his own person. A person with loves, likes, dislikes and hates. He didn't want Yifan and neither did he feel the same way about him, so he tried to move on.

Dating was different to maintaining a relationship was a lesson Yifan learned long before he had waded his way into the thicket of adulthood. Dating was about finding the excitement of common interest and feeling that small _something_ that would make somebody stand out in a sea of people. Maintaining a relationship was built upon the foundation of finding comfort and evolving with one another; love not infatuation.

It wasn't like Yifan didn't know that Yixing was engaging in a sexual relationship across the summer months when he wouldn't be in the Wu household, it both hurt and it didn’t. There were days where he could see marks on Yixing’s skin that he longed to press in those places and there were other days when he’d see Yixing limping slightly. It was difficult to ignore when it stared him dead between the eyes, intense and unwavering was the jealousy but there was that nagging part of him that told him to let Yixing be happy. However, he was happy that Yixing had heeded his command of not doing anything with his boyfriend where Yifan, at least, couldn’t see. And Yixing wasn’t the type to utilise Yifan’s bed to spend time with his boyfriend.

The elder tried to date other people of either sex, some happening more successfully than others and he _always_ felt sick when he would wake up next somebody who wasn’t Yixing. The longest one of his dating periods lasted was two weeks and that unfurled into nothingness when Yifan broke up with the guy because of the amount of time Yixing spent latched onto his hand, hip or shoulder. Yifan wondered if Yixing’s boyfriend was the same, if he had issues with the relationship the ' _brothers'_  shared. There was a constant blurring of right and wrong in Yifan’s mind when he’d wake up shirtless with a half naked Yixing sleeping with his lips nuzzled into the junction between his throat and shoulder. They slept like lovers. Even Luhan loved to point that out while he watched Yifan’s dates squirm and look at the college student from an out to his biological brother’s questioning prior to meeting Yixing.

It came as no shock to Kyungsoo when Yifan would reveal that yet another dating conquest had failed once they had met the young pianist.

“Fan,” Luhan yelled urgently as he opened the car door and gained his brother’s attention. “It’s Yixing, I can’t find him.”

With a sense of chilling Deja Vu throwing him back to when he was sixteen and he’d heard those same exact words from his brother in the dead of night, Yifan got out of his car and advanced towards his old high school with Luhan tailing him in a flurry of face paced steps.”

“When and where did you last see him?” Yifan’s voice didn’t shake but it was close to cracking, his mouth and throat dry with fear.

“The start of lunch, he was going to meet up with that jerk before class but he didn’t show. I thought that maybe you’d come early for him or something, so I didn’t think much of it but one of you usually call if you do but I had nothing. He’s not in the music room or the dance studio, I asked Jongin and Jongdae.”

“Is there anywhere else?”

Luhan looked around worriedly, his honey shade hair falling into his eyes before he pushed it back with his hand, “I don’t know. He doesn’t spend much time with me in school, not since he started dating that jerk again.”

“Why do you keep calling him that? I thought you liked him,” Yifan asked, his legs not slowing as he looked through the doors of classrooms, not caring if there were clubs happening inside.

“He’s been _different_ recently and I don’t like it.”

“What do you mean different? Is he hurting Yixing?”

“No, no, no! Yixing said something and I think it caused a rift but he wouldn’t let Xing explain himself. I didn’t want to get involved too much because you’re the one he talks to about this stuff.”

Yifan didn’t say anything more until he came to the last room on the lower floor and there was a niggling feeling in the back of his head that told him to search somewhere in particular, he was unsure and Luhan voiced that out as they approached the sports hall.

Yifan turned off to head towards the basketball court and he wasn’t sure whether or not to feel relief when he heard familiar sobbing echoing in the empty space.

“I’ll stay here.” Luhan motioned to the steps that led down into the court, nodding at Yifan to go in. “Actually, I go wait in the car.”

Yifan didn’t speak as he approached the small office that had light shining out from under the door and silently opened the door to see his old coach sitting on a tattered couch with a red faced, crying Yixing and Yifan cursed his heart for feeling warm when he saw what was clutched in Yixing’s hands. His old jersey. The printed ‘WU’ above the number 10 Yixing had pleaded Yifan use in the first season he played for the high school. He still played in 10. The grey haired coach saw Yifan enter first, moving away from the crying teenager with a worried look on his face before leaving as quietly as Yifan came.

“Xing-ah,” Yifan cooed, moving closer to the sixteen year-old and the boy launched himself at the adult with a heartbreaking sob. He didn’t ask why Yixing was crying, he just wrapped his arms around the younger’s body and drew him in closer, rubbing his spine soothingly. “I’m here now, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here now.”

Yixing nodded against his neck, clinging to his body as if it was his anchor in this world and nothing else to Yifan mattered in that moment, not that anything but Yixing mattered almost all the time to the college student.

“He-he b-b-broke u-up wi-with me-me,” Yixing choked out after a few minutes passed and Yifan felt bittersweet. Angry because Yixing was hurt but elated that he had some delusional chance at being the one Yixing wanted the most.

“He’s an idiot then,” Yifan whispered, his arms starting to hurt where they rubbed Yixing’s back up, “such a huge idiot.”

Yixing nodded again and Yifan took no time in lifting them both up with practised ease, passing the coach that was waiting outside of the office and making his way to his car as quickly as he could carrying the younger. Luhan opened the car door before scooting to the other side, Yifan placing Yixing in the back seat before following in and the crying boy was hugged tightly by his two elders immediately. It was the best thing for him, Yifan had decided, to be surrounded by people who adored him and it seemed to be the right thing to do as cries morphed from sobs to sniffles as time slipped by.

“You stay back here,” Yifan ran his fingers through Yixing’s hair gently, “I’ll get us home and then we’ll have a sleepover, the three of us, like we did when he were kids.”

Yixing and Luhan approved of the idea, allowing the driver to get behind the wheel and take them on their short journey home. Yifan’s eyes flitted back to Yixing and Luhan the whole time, his worry chewing at his stomach as he saw how exhausted Yixing was from his crying that he had slumped against his best friend in a frowning slumber. He was thankful that the three of them all had each other.

It was barely five in the evening before they were in bed, Yifan’s duvet stretched as Yixing huddled like a second skin into him while Luhan cuddled him from behind. It was easier when Yixing wasn’t crying, Yifan could stroke through his tresses and kiss his forehead as much as he wanted but when he was sobbing, Yifan had to clench his fists and grind his teeth as his protective anger bubbled up to the front of his mind.

“Who would want to break his heart?” Luhan asked as Yixing fell asleep at around nine o’clock.

“I don’t know,” Yifan whispered. “I can’t ever imagine _wanting_ to hurt him.”

“Me either.” They were quiet. “Do I have your permission to land one punch on that idiot the next time I see him?”

“No,” Yifan hummed, smiling slightly as Luhan whined. “You have to do it three times; once for Yixing, once for you and once for me.”

“Seriously?”

“Deadly,” the elder looked down at Yixing’s puffy eyes. “Do it after lunch, I’ll be at home then and able to pick you up when you get suspended without Mama or Baba knowing.”

Luhan did get temporarily excluded from school for landing three firm, fast punches on another student the next day. Yifan was in the office to pick him up with fake sympathy and disappointment when the teachers had informed him of his brother’s behaviour in display in the office but an ice pack and Yixing in the car. Yifan had never felt more proud of his brother when he was shown a boy with a busted lip, bloody nose and black-eye, and Luhan returned the sentiment when Yifan flirted his way into getting Luhan suspended for two days instead of seven and the incident not staining his record. Apparently, the pastoral officer of the school had always had a soft-spot for the oldest of the Wu brothers and flushed right to her ears when Yifan noticed that she had dyed her hair a different shade of brown since he had last seen her.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Luhan smiled as they made their way to the car which housed a pyjama clad Yixing, the youngest having not attended lessons that day. “Leave basketball and become a lawyer.”

“I don’t want it to be a regular thing to get you out of the shit, Han. This is a one time thing.”

“This is just because the Wu family protects its own, right?”

Yifan smiled, ruffling his brother’s hair, “Right.”

 

# ♠

 

Summer passed in a quick rush of hot air and sticky skin, autumn was a dream when cool breezes pushed the stuffiness away. While there were still humid days when the sun came out after rain, Yifan felt more comfortable with declining heat than the blazing days July and August had come with. It was October and Yixing’s birthday was on a Sunday, the three boys had been granted permission to host a party the week after and Yixing had talked to Yifan about inviting the usual suspects. That was Yixing’s small collection of friends and the rest of those in attendance would be college students, not that anybody minded. A party was a party, after all. Zhang Ziyi had been asked to attend with her husband, her wedding having passed in the July in an intimate ceremony that the three boys were invited to - Yixing even making it into the bridal party as a brides _man_ and performing a self-composed song filled with love and joy for _the first dance_ segment of the night. However, the newlywed declined, as they were going on a late honeymoon to avoid all the summer pricing.

Yixing appeared to not mind, he was dressed in a constant smile and clung to Yifan like a leech while they planned out times and alcohol choices. It was a relief to see Yixing so joyful, Yifan didn’t know how his first heartbreak (that he knew of) would impact him but the younger was ever resilient in bouncing back from pain like it was a bump in the road. His recovery from his break up happened in a couple of weeks, especially when he was pampered by the two older boys and Yifan couldn’t help but indulge Yixing whenever he looked even a mere picture of slight despair.

“Excited?” Yifan asked from the driver’s seat, Yixing sat by his side with his eyes closed and body relaxed but the college student knew he was still awake.

“I guess so.” Yixing showed a small smile.

“Why is that not a yes? I’ve worked hard for this.”

Streetlights passed in a bright blur and Yixing turned to look at Yifan, the older of the two glancing from him to the empty road constantly.

“I don’t want to forget the night like I did last time,” Yixing shrugged and Yifan’s hands grew clammy on the leather coating of the steering wheel.

“Don’t drink so much then,” Yifan covered his racing heart with a cough. “You’ll never forget about it then.”

“Good idea,” Yixing nodded and turned his head to the road, watching as the headlights bounced on the uneven tarmac and Yifan felt a hand on his.

He lifted his palm up and placed the younger’s hand on the gear stick, “Go to fourth.”

Yixing tightened his hand on the metal and leather shift, using what Yifan had taught them on their nightly drives to change the gear and Yifan let out a happy hum as everything happened smoothly. Yifan took their hands away and placed them both on Yixing’s thigh, allowing his grip to linger and hold the younger’s hand until they got home, sneaking in to go to bed and wake up early the next morning.

“It sucks that you have to work more,” Yixing whined, changing into some of his warmer night clothes as Yifan remained in just his boxers to brush his teeth. “I miss being picked up at school by you.”

“I know but it’s better to work hard now than leave it all for when my exams come,” Yifan hummed around his toothbrush, the other understanding his toothpaste layered garble.

“But I miss you.”

“I know.” Yifan closed his eyes, banging his head on the mirror quietly as his chest set alight at Yixing’s whiny tone. “I miss you too.”

“If I get up early tomorrow, can I go to practice with you?” Yixing’s head popped around the door and Yifan spat out what was in his mouth as a cover for his previous actions.

“You’ll just be sat watching us do drills again,” Yifan reminded him gently, holding his shoulders to guide him back to the bed and used a controlled push to press him down into the mattress, bending down to hover over Yixing with only a handful of inches separating them. “Unless you’re there to watch hot, sweaty guys all take off their shirts?”

“You caught me,” Yixing laughed out, not even flinching as Yifan crawled over him on the bed and the elder’s mind struggled to push away a time when Yixing had been begging and pleading beneath him, his face twisted in ecstasy as he groaned his praises to Yifan.

“Or maybe there’s just one player you like watching?”

“Maybe.”

“Does he wear your number?”

“Not telling.”

“Does he not wear your number then?”

“I’m not telling.”

“Am I not your favourite basketball player then?” Yifan pouted, raising up onto his knees to crawl down Yixing’s body, his hand lifting Yixing’s shirt slowly. He could see the frown on Yixing’s face as he tried to work out what he was doing. “Tell me, Xing-ah.”

“You’re not.”

Yifan fake gasped. The elder took his revenge by leaning forward and blowing on Yixing’s bare, toning stomach and the younger squealed out in horror. They continued like that until Yixing complained about laughing so much that he was going to wet himself, which was the only grounds in which Yifan ever released the other from his clutches and it wasn’t long until they were tangled up beneath the sheets, sleeping with their noses taking in each other’s scents and lips open in smiles.

  

# ♠

 

The party, while nothing unusual or special, was different. Yixing stayed by Yifan's side the whole night, sharing drinks and playing around with one another. It was a comfort for Yifan to see the younger acting so carefree, he push all his time into being a perfect student, being a perfect dancer and being a perfect musician that he rarely cut himself some slack. It seemed as though the younger had been pushing himself harder as the new academic year began, renewing itself with over talked fact and over appreciated fiction that didn't have much bearing on how to pay taxes or read an energy bill.

Yifan had worried that Yixing wouldn't enjoy the night but his deep dimple and warm hands said otherwise. The elder was captured and weakened by everything Yixing did when they were together, especially at that party. Yifan was having flashbacks to the way Yixing had been seductive and yet needy in the way that he threw himself at Yifan and asked to be fucked. It was Yifan's biggest wet dream in his memory bank and there was nothing that could have topped that. Not in his head, at least.

It drove him to a near state of despair when Yixing had worn a plain white t-shirt, a thick leather jacket and the most fitted jeans Yifan had ever seen in his life. The younger was effortlessly handsome most of the time, so seeing him dressed up with his hair and light make up - done courtesy of Luhan - had Yifan staring unabashedly at the body beside his as the night began. He got numerous elbows in the ribs from Kyungsoo for being so indiscreet but Yifan’s eyes couldn’t stop going back to Yixing’s perfectly proportioned body and admiring the way that his jacket cinched in ever so slightly at his waist. Yixing was a wonder for Yifan that never ceased to throw obstacles in the path the elder tried to take to get over him.

It was probably on Yifan’s third whiskey and coke that he felt Yixing starting to sway at his side, the younger’s alcohol intolerance showing far faster than Yifan could have ever thought.

“Do you feel okay?” Yifan whispered, placing an arm around Yixing’s waist to steady him and stake a subtle claim on him. “I can take you up to bed, if you’d like?”

“No.” Yixing shook his head. “I want to stay here a little longer.”

Yifan looked down on him skeptically, taking in how his pupils had expanded a fraction wider than usual and his lips hung open slightly as warm air puffed out. “Just tell me when you want to go to bed.”

Yixing nodded and Yifan didn’t dare to look around at Kyungsoo, he could feel the heat of his glare and the judging thoughts buzzing between them.

The evening edged its way through time, the minutes became hours that were filled with boisterous conversation and cheek aching smiles. Luhan had found space with his friends, talking endlessly about everything he could, namely soccer, and the boys had even gone out to the garden to cool down when the windows began to fog with condensation. Yixing remained at Yifan’s side, everybody accepted that he and Yifan were a packaged pair that night. It was a relief for the elder to not have to stand next to Yixing as he got hit on, nor did he have to calmly reject girls that had taken his party invite as an expression of feelings. He was just happy to be able to share the night with the younger, especially when he clung to Yifan like he had. One arm around the neck, one arm around the waist and nose pressed firmly into collarbones. It appeared like a couple sharing and intimate moment in a sea of their peers.

Yifan had long since ignored his best friend’s silent warnings and found his hands in Yixing’s back pocket resisting the urge to not squeeze the firm muscle like he had months before. Alcohol made him remember how willing and open Yixing was to his touches, how he had _begged_ for things to go further and Yifan knew he was intoxicated on something much stronger than the five _Asahi_ beers and whiskey mixers he’d had.

The night came to a close, Luhan slipping out to stay with his friends and Yifan saw everybody off just before two in the morning. It was just him and Yixing in the house, silently going up the stairs and Yifan stripped down to his underwear as soon as they entered his room. Yixing struggled with his jeans, his clumsy hands tugging at the fabric and Yifan held his breath before using his own fingers to grip at the fabric and pull them down. They crawled into the bed, Yifan readying himself for another night of an almost naked Yixing nuzzling into his side when they assumed their normal positions.

He closed his eyes. Then he felt it, a hand that was soft but had calloused fingers, trailing down to his navel and then slipping beneath the elastic of the boxers he was wearing. He gulped, too surprise to even tense as Yixing closed his hand around the base of Yifan’s member. The taller was almost instantly hard, mouth slack and eyes peeked open.

Yixing was watching him intently, a glimmer in his eyes shown in the darkness and it wasn’t long until his hand start to pump up and down with dry hands.

“Shit, Yixing,” he finally muttered, making the younger retract his hand and climb over Yifan’s body to straddle him.

“ _Gege_ ,” Yixing used a mockingly innocent voice and Yifan hated how his cock twitched at the two syllables. “You liked that, _gege_?”

“Yes, _didi_ ,” Yifan nodded, smirking ever so slightly when he saw how Yixing’s breathing stuttered and his hips jerked gently on Yifan’s lap. “Let’s not do that, okay? It’s best if we don’t.”

Yixing looked as if he was going to question what Yifan was talking about but he understood when Yifan’s hands went to his slim waist. “What do I call you then?”

“Whatever you want, just not _gege_.”

“Okay,” Yixing nodded, leaning forward slightly before his lips met with the elder’s.

“Are you sure you’re not too drunk?” Yifan asked, flashing images of their previous encounter echoing in the back of his mind.

“No, I know that I want this. Whatever you’re willing to offer me, I want it.”

“And you’re not just doing this because of your ex?”

“That was months ago, Fan, I want _this_ , with _you_.”

They paused as Yifan’s looked up at the younger’s dark silhouette. It didn't feel like they watched each other for long but minutes had flitted themselves away before the elder sat up, touched Yixing's jaw lightly and drew them closer together. The kiss was short, barely a gentle peck before Yixing was crawling away from the elder man, mouthing his way down Yifan's body and tugging his underwear down. There was an involuntary hiss that became a gasp as Yifan felt his cock come into contact with cold air and then a wet mouth. Yixing licked him, softly then ravenously, softly then ravenously, softly then ravenously. He thought he was going to finish just with those actions, sparking envy in Yifan that he probably wasn't the first Yixing had pleasured in such a way.

Yixing sucked on the bell shaped head of Yifan's cock, it was an appetising preview of what was to come and the elder had to lay himself down before his spine buckled with pleasure. The younger slowly took more of Yifan's member into his mouth, only covering a few inches and wrapping his fingers around what was left, it was only then that his suction technique and tongue worked in unison. Yifan felt one of his eyes blink closed as they rolled back, his gaze going cross eyed for a few moments before he adjusted to having Zhang Yixing's mouth around his cock. His hands held the back of Yixing's head as he began to bob up and down, his lips swelling and his cheeks creating a concave as he sucked harder. Yifan was leaking so much pre-cum he wasn't sure if there would be any fluid left to cum with. 

Even just the thought of Yixing having Yifan's cum in his throat, drenching his mouth and marking his lips had Yifan shallowly thrusting into the younger's mouth, his eyes squeezing tight when Yixing gagged slightly around him before whining out a moan. Yixing moved up onto his hands and knees, tilting his body forward until his mouth was at the perfect angle to take yet more of Yifan into his lips. The college student was in heaven, everything Yixing did was so incredible that he wasn't sure how long he was going to take climax. He hoped it wasn't too soon, he didn't want to ruin whatever Yixing had planned and he contained himself until a finger gently pressed against his ass, making him cum with a shocked groan and satisfied groan. 

Yifan's eyes opened just enough to watch Yixing attempt to chase all the droplets of cum to swallow and not make a mess on the sheets, if his member wasn't still twitching in its post-orgasm haze, then he was sure that the sight would have made him hard all over again. 

Yixing looked just as wired as Yifan had felt and the elder placed his hand into Yixing's boxers once he had sat up and begun to flick his wrist painfully quickly. The relief came in how Yixing came within a minute, his eyes rolling back and his body sagging in the most spent way Yifan had ever seen him before. Even more debauched than the first time they has ever flirted with the idea of sexual relations between the two of them. Yifan loved to see Yixing cum, his whole body was part of the process as he tried to both fight and enhance it while Yifan had stroked him, it was like he was being torn in two different directions by pleasure. It was phenomenal.

The smaller also seemed to appreciate Yifan licking up the cum from his hand right before kissing him, allowing both their tastes to mingle and merge until it was a mess of sweetly salty flavours and lust. Yifan was so drunk on Yixing he couldn't think straight as they settled down, covered in Yixing's cum, to sleep with their bodies in harmony.

  

# ♠

 

Yifan couldn't stick around in the morning to query whether Yixing remembered or not. He had experience with it before and he didn't want it to escalate to a point that he couldn't control his emotions, he knew he would either get ridiculously upset or want to throw a chair across the room. It seemed as it was only the two of them that morning, it wasn't even like they could have avoided one another, it was impossible and Yifan wanted to whack his head on something hard to knock some sense into himself.

All of that was forgotten as slender arms reached around Yifan's torso, lips pressing to the back of his ear and it wasn't long until Yixing was sucking in his first lovebite on Yifan's skin and he felt seventeen again. Forever horny and looking for things to suck, which only served to make Yifan remember how it felt to be blown by Yixing.

"Can I call you  _gege_ now?" Yixing whispered, stopping Yifan's heart in his chest and driving the entire life force of his body out of his hands.

 _Yixing remembered_.


	4. Aggrandise, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late Adolescence, 2/2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the warnings for this part are:
> 
> A little angst, double penetration and smut.  
>  (Not necessarily in that order though)
> 
> [Brother Issues Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuCbSjdJJadUvgYhZVd3hCGVNi-0YwxtZ)

Breakfast was awkward, there was no other way of describing it as they set out enough food for two and placed themselves next to each other at the table, as they would naturally do. Neither knew quite how to react to the other and Yifan decided that remaining as quiet as possible was the best solution, it meant that nothing wrong could be said and emotions could be left to simmer under the surface rather than be ripped raw. Their arms and thighs didn’t touch as they normally did when they sat together, the sharing of what they were eating was tentative and Yifan’s heart was thumping to a nervous beat. He almost felt sick, that was how awkward things had become since Yixing had come into the room. However, he knew there would be limited time he would have Yixing on his own before his brother would return home and sense the tension flowing between the two of them. It would raise questions from Luhan that Yifan didn’t quite want to be answered yet but he knew he had to ask them.

“Xing-ah,” his voice cracked slightly and the younger boy paused before placing his eating utensils down, “I think we need to talk.”

“Yeah,” the smaller nodded.

“Last night, you know, when we did that, I didn’t pressure you or take advantage of you, did I? Because I need to know, for both of our sanity, that your consent was genuine. If it wasn’t then I’ll do anything I can to make it up to you, I’ll even sleep downstairs until you can trust me again and even then, I won’t touch you in any way until you’re comfortable with me.”

“Ge, I wanted to,” Yixing whispered, making a tingling feeling work its way up his spine. “I really wanted to do that with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I wasn’t _that_ drunk,” the younger rolled his eyes. “I would do it again right now, if you let me.”

“But Yixing, we shouldn’t,” Yifan looked the other in the eye. “You’re seventeen, I’m going to be twenty-one in a few weeks. Given our situation, I don’t think it’s appropriate. Your parents trust me to look after you, my parents trust me to look after you, Luhan trusts me to look after you.”

“And you would,” Yixing mumbled. “You are the one who is always watching over me and making sure that I am okay with everything. I couldn’t trust anybody else in this world as much as I trust you. Unless there were bad intentions…?”

Yifan didn’t respond immediately but chewed on his food in slow bites, he could feel Yixing’s eyes on him and swallowed thickly before speaking again, “There were no bad intentions.”

“Good,” Yixing smiled, taking some of the food that Yifan had served himself and the elder didn’t fluster as the younger continually did as he pleased. By the time their food was finished with, their bodies had grown closer and their posture was in the state of relaxed closeness that they were almost always in. Yifan didn’t flinch as Yixing reached up and around his neck, it was a normal for the younger to cling to him in such a way, he even let his head be turned by the teenager and a small, fleeting kiss was pressed onto his lips.

The action took him by surprise and he was still in a motionless state of shock as Yixing kissed him three times over, it was only on the fifth overall kiss that Yifan was prepared and used his own mouth to connect with Yixing’s. There was no sense of wrongdoing as he acted, bringing one of his hands up to the younger’s jaw to hold him in place whilst their lips caressed at one another. They were moving gently and Yifan didn’t feel an ounce of guilt as Yixing’s sobriety filtered into his memory.

There was a shift in weight as Yixing climbed into his lap, opening up his mouth and asking silently for Yifan’s tongue to make its way in to meet his, the elder did as he was granted and licked his way between Yixing’s lips. It was a steady increase of pressure and tempo with Yixing’s hands cupping at Yifan’s neck gently to maintain their position.

The college student was always in awe of how Yixing’s mouth felt against his, his lips maintained a plumpness that swelled even more deliciously with ever ministration Yifan employed between them and Yixing’s fingers were all perfectly placed to draw the elder further in. Yifan was in so deep that he was sure that the only way for him to consider living was to let himself drown. His mind saturated itself with the way the younger tasted. Everything was so much sweeter when consumed through Yixing and everything appeared in a glowing shade of gold when his eyes flickered open to see Yixing’s serenely closed eyes. Yifan let his hands move from Yixing’s jaw and wrapped them around his waist, lifting one hand up Yixing’s spine to hold at the base of his neck. His fingers curled into the short hairs on Yixing’s nape and his other hand held tightly on his hip as he let himself run wild in kissing the other.

Yixing was all Yifan wanted to taste, nutmeg and ginger was all he wanted to smell barely an inch from his nose and a firm dancer’s body was all he wanted to feel under his hands. The teenager was sacred and special, there was no way he could be replaced or replicated by anybody else in Yifan’s life and he knew that from the way Yixing slowly went from holding Yifan loosely to gradually clutching at him like he was all that mattered. Their kissing was extraordinary, no longer hidden behind the guise of temptation and alcohol. They were no longer two bodies searching for escape or release. They were two people communicating without sound, a wordless exchange of affection and nothing else seemed to matter as the minute crawled by.

Yixing pulled back slightly, his breath catching and Yifan looked down at how beautiful the younger’s mouth looked in that moment; where his skin and lips met was blurred into a pink Yifan couldn’t describe. He brought one of his fingers around to run over it, feeling the difference in texture under his fingertips and Yixing still didn’t open his eyes as Yifan touched at his face softly. There was a feeling of craving and longing to kiss more until their bodies numbed and faded into one another like Yixing’s mouth had done.

Yifan leant in to reclaim the younger’s mouth but the sound of a key turning in the lock had both he and Yixing’s scrambling to right themselves and make it seem like nothing had happened, as neither quite knew how the newcomer would react to seeing them with lips locked. Luhan strolled in a few minutes later in his dirty soccer kit, only giving the two males, who were sat in their own chairs again but Yixing’s legs were still draped over Yifan’s, a fleeting look before heading towards the refrigerator.

“You two are really weird, you know that right?” Luhan hummed whilst he picked at the fruit in the fridge.

“How so?” Yifan asked, his voice a little thick but he could blame that on a hangover.

“You are always so wrapped up together, don’t you think you’re a little too old for that to be normal?” Yixing looked at Yifan with semi-panicked eyes, the elder laid his hand across the younger’s knee and squeezed it gently.

“We can do what we want,” Yifan hummed, picking up Yixing’s dish and piling it with his own as the other covered his mouth with his hand as discreetly as he could.

“That’s true,” Luhan mumbled, the soccer player broke off a banana from a bunch and walked back through the house to go up to shower.

Yixing turned to talk to Yifan but the elder’s phone buzzed in his pocket before he could and Yifan allowed himself to look at it. He released a long groan as the read the words before checking the time.

“Are you okay?” Yixing seemed to ask instead of his previous query.

“I’ve got to go pick some stuff up from work,” Yifan moved Yixing’s legs from his, placing them on the floor as lightly as he could then stood up with their eating utensils and took them over to the sink. “I shouldn’t be too long.”

Yixing nodded, turning on his chair so that he was then kneeling on the seat and he grabbed Yifan as he walked past, drawing him down for a gentle kiss and the elder was surprised at the action. He only kicked himself back into action when Yixing pushed him away gently and he made his way up the stairs to find sanctuary in his shower with the widest of grins on his lips.

 

# ♠

 

Yifan’s life continued to be in a rushed sense of motion. If he wasn’t studying then he was working and if he wasn’t working then he was playing basketball. The only time he didn’t do any of those three things was when he slept or ate. It meant he had little time to sort things out with Yixing, every time they tried to broach the subject of what happened between them they were either interrupted or half asleep and incoherent. It wasn't a good dynamic, it made things half awkward and half too comfortable. They didn't know where they stood and whether or not their touches were deemed too intimate.

It was back and forth for nearly two weeks, Yifan woke up before Yixing did to head to his basketball practice and came back later once he'd finished working or studying. It was difficult, especially when he saw how Yixing usually tried to stay awake for him, Yifan would often find the younger asleep at the dinner table at almost midnight because he hadn't wanted to go to bed alone. Those nights where the elder carried the younger up to bed were littered with small kisses, Yixing almost always woke up halfway up the second flight of stairs and would mould their lips together in a quiet, sleep filled greeting. It warmed Yifan's heart and calmed him enough to snuggle up beside the younger contentedly, often forgetting that they shouldn't kiss like that.

However, that wasn't as bad as the slow Sunday evenings they had. Yixing wasn't rehearsing, like he did almost all day on Saturdays, and Yifan didn't have to work but they had Luhan buzzing around them for hours. Not that they didn't want the middle aged one there, he was always welcome to the both of them to keep an equilibrium and be the one to make them laugh until they cried. Even though they went to bed earlier on those nights, it was Yifan's only time to catch up on sleep and Yixing often sent him off to dreamland with the most thirst quenching kisses that Yifan had ever been granted with. They made all thoughts of sorting out the in-between state they were in go from his mind, he was too focused on the younger that he barely thought of his own heart.

He did think about such things whenever they were apart though, especially when he was around Kyungsoo, who was always armed with a full barrel of questions that Yifan could never answer. It wasn't like either of them didn't know how Yifan felt but addressing Yixing's feelings was a whole different matter, Yifan didn't want to think that he was projecting his own affections and lusting on the other.

Not only was he too tired to talk things through, he was scared. Yifan wasn't sure how he would react if everything was a game of tongues to the younger, not that he could ever do anything to change that if it were.

The catalyst of change happened with a small disagreement, Luhan and Yixing had gone to Yifan on one of his days off to help them decide between Halloween costumes for a party one of their classmates was holding for the western tradition. Yifan didn't see any issue when he agreed with Yixing's suggestion of cosplaying Harry Potter characters and not attending as Luhan's favourite manhua characters. Neither Yifan nor Yixing expected Luhan to blow up the way he did with his fists balled and chest huffing.

"You _always_ take his side," he was yelling at Yifan, advancing across the room, "Why can't you agree with me for once?"

"It's a Halloween outfit, Han," Yifan tried to diffuse, not standing up from where he was sat on his chair.

"It's not just the outfits, it's what we'll have for takeout, it's what we'll do when we're all together, it's where we'll go for coffee. It's _everything,_ " Luhan looked exhausted, frustrated beyond belief as he turned to Yixing. "Even when we fight, it's always me against the two of you. If Yixing pisses me off then it's you who makes me feel bad for feeling annoyed, despite that being a normal human emotion. If he does something wrong and I think he shouldn't get his way all the time, you get defensive and call me selfish. You're _my_ brother, why can't you take _my_ side for once? I'm sick of this."

"Calm down, Han," Yifan's words only seemed to fan the flames as Luhan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"No, I won't calm down because I don't want to and I'm mad!" The honey haired younger screamed, his veins popped out of his neck and Yixing was stood wide eyed at the door. "I'm sick of being second best to you, you've always called him your favourite when I'm your _real_ brother. I should be your priority, not him. You're the worst fucking brother I could ever have been given."

"Han, I'm sorry," Yifan attempted but was shot down by a sharp glare.

"No, you're a really shitty person, do you know that? You choose Yixing over me but you still hurt him in the process of doing it."

" _Luhan_ ," Yixing muttered warily, almost worryingly.

"He's had this weird crush on you since we were kids and you mess with his head acting the way you do with each other. It's really fucked up too, you're supposed to call each other brothers but neither of you act the same way with me, not that I want you to because that would be the grossest thing ever in the world. I don't know why he thinks the sun shines out your ass, neither of you are perfect and whatever weird thing you two have had going on for the past few years needs to stop because it's fucking weird and I don't approve of it."

Yifan's mouth was hanging agape as Luhan panted angrily, regaining a little composure after losing the weight of his confession on his chest. The adult could see what had happened, Luhan was hurt and that made him defensive. In utter honesty to himself, Yifan could see why because he did always express favouritism. Luhan stormed out of the room, his feet stomping up the steps and Yifan closed his eyes while he held his head in his hands.

"I'll go stay with my parents tonight," Yixing announced from the doorway, his voice was quiet and hollow. "Maybe I'll stay there until this all blows over and let you two sort everything out for yourselves."

Yifan nodded, he stood up from the table and walked to where he had put his car keys down earlier that day.

"Where are you going?" Yixing's eyebrows knitted together in concern.

"I'm dropping you off home."

"I don't think that's a good idea.

"How else are you going to get there? It's across the city," Yifan flicked the keys in his fingers as Yixing nodded in acceptance of the elder's words.

They silently made their way out of the house and into the car, Yifan turned the key in the ignition and started driving as calmly as he could with his head still reeling from what had happened. He couldn't blame Luhan for his outburst, not at all. If anything, he should have anticipated it with how differently he treated his ' _brothers_ '. Then there was the fact that Luhan had said that Yixing felt something that wasn't platonic for Yifan. He took a look at Yixing who appeared to be crumbling, his eyes flooded with tears and the seams of his sleeves were wet from the droplets he'd already collected.

Yifan's hand itched to grip onto Yixing's but the younger's hands were clasping at each other when they weren't wiping tears, so the adult pulled over a few streets from Yixing's parents' apartment. With the engine shut off, Yixing only looked at his knees as Yifan turned to face him.

"Are you okay?" Yifan queried. Dumb question.

"Yeah, I didn't just have the biggest secret of my life spilled," He muttered sarcastically as he dabbed at a stray teardrop. "Totally fine."

Yifan forcefully took one of his hands, the palm upturned for Yifan to draw comforting patterns on it and Yixing only seemed to cry harder.

"It's okay, you know? Your feelings," Yifan assured him and Yixing shook his head.

"It's not when you don't feel the same."

Yifan felt something snap in his chest, Yixing had the same exact fears as he did and it had him bringing the younger's palm up to his lips for him to kiss it softly. Yixing looked around at him with wide eyes and Yifan kissed it again and again and again. The younger blinked a few times, letting Yifan move his lips from his hand to the tender part of his wrist, up the length of his arm, across his shoulder and skipping his neck for the bony part of his jaw. The elder let his kisses descend until they met the edges of Yixing's lips and then he waited.

It wasn't for long, maybe a couple of seconds, but it felt like a lifetime before Yixing moved his head a few degrees to align their lips and then they were kissing. It was sweet and shallow, a collection of short kisses as Yifan dropped Yixing's arm to hold his jaw gently and draw the younger in closer.

Yifan pulled back a couple of centimetres, "Don't assume that I don't feel the same."

Yixing laughed nervously against his mouth and Yifan opening his eyes to see small tears leaving the other's closed ones. He moved and kissed them away, he hadn't ever seen a more beautiful sight than Yixing silently smiling in that moment because of Yifan. That was until his brow creased and Yifan wanted to smooth it out with his fingers.

"What is it?" He asked.

"Luhan said he wouldn't approve," Yixing whispered and Yifan pulled back a little further, the smaller's eyes fluttering open.

Yifan nodded his head, "Right."

"I want this, though," Yixing argued with his own conscience, "I've waited for so long and I don't want a few words somebody yelled at you to ruin that."

"It's okay, Yixing," Yifan moved forward and kissed Yixing's cheek where he knew his dimple was.

"No, I want this, ge," he muttered, his eyes boring right into Yifan's, "you don't know how much."

"Then what can we do because I want this too?"

"We could keep it a secret?" Yixing suggested and Yifan was the frowning one in that moment.

"That would work if I was your age but being almost twenty one and sneaking around with a seventeen year-old isn't going to look good. If we're caught, Xing-ah, people will think I forced you to do things."

"What else can we do? I want this so much," Yixing bowed his head down slightly, his hand moving to play with Yifan's fingers. "I just want to be with you. I'll know the truth, isn't that all that matters?"

Yifan closed his eyes, sighing out painfully before he nodded his head. He guessed that Yixing was right, as long as Yixing never felt pressured then Yifan's conscience was clean, much like Kyungsoo had said. "Okay."

The elder didn't see Yixing coming but he felt the fast kiss on his lips, his hand fully held in Yixing's and he opened his eyes to a dimple. He kissed the dent once, studying Yixing for a longer while before the younger nearly yelled, "I'm sure, ge. I want to do this."

Yifan nodded, started the car again and drove the rest of the way to the younger's apartment building and Yixing unbuckled himself from the vehicle. Yixing got out, made it halfway to his door before he turned around and tapped on Yifan's car window. The taller brought the glass separating them down and Yixing surged forward to kiss him. There was slight tongue as Yixing allowed Yifan to dip his in and then Yixing was gone, running into his building and Yifan rested his forehead on the steering wheel.

He wanted to make all the wrongdoings he'd done up to Luhan but he wanted Yixing. He wanted Yixing, he just didn't want to hide it. He wanted things to run smoothly but knew they wouldn't. Yifan could only hope that things didn't backfire on him.

 

# ♠

 

Sneaking around with Yixing seemed to be easier than Yifan ever thought, given that they only seemed to be together at night in Yifan's bed like normal. However, instead of there being sloppy kisses exchanged sleepily in the dark, the two of them were wide awake. Yixing was almost always waiting for Yifan in bed and dragging him onto the mattress to kiss senselessly.

Yifan had underestimated, or forgotten, how horny seventeen year-olds got, whether or not it was provoked. With the younger no longer hiding his physical wants from the older, Yifan was inundated with flirty touches and expert hands jerking him off nightly. Being twenty, Yifan still had a healthy craving for sex but Yixing's body was still finding pleasure in everything. It did often mean that Yifan had to get up earlier than before to wash his own cum from his stomach because Yixing had stuck his hand directly into Yifan's underwear as soon as he'd laid down in the bed.

The elder was relieved that Yixing hadn't initiated anything more than the hand jobs in bed they'd been giving each other, especially sex. He didn't want it to be something done silently in his bed at midnight because he wanted to use it to show the younger's importance to him. He wanted to be able to worship Yixing's whole body while listening to him moan out in want, for him to not hold himself back because Luhan was sleeping just down the hall.

Especially since Yifan was trying his hardest to sort things out with his younger brother without revealing what he had with Yixing. Things had been gradually getting better since Luhan's outburst and Yifan didn't want to ruin that by being caught fucking his brother's best friend. That would never end well.

So when Luhan and their parents went out of town for a soccer game one weekend, it left Yifan and Yixing to their own devices. Which had meant Yifan skipping out on a couple of days of university study and work to give the younger, who had openly whined at Yifan to do so, his full attention.

Yifan had mentioned taking Yixing out on a date in passing while they were at the supermarket buying food for their sixty hour time period alone and suddenly he had a set of lips masked over his own, a smiling Yixing kissing him as a sign of approval with such an idea. Once the initial excitement had worn off, Yixing had mentioned about it also being a time for them to celebrate Yifan's upcoming birthday, just the two of them. Apparently Yixing already had his gift wrapped and ready to be given and Yifan couldn't the be one to say no to the younger's request. They spent the rest of their small outing with Yixing pressed to his side coming up with ideas of what they could do, even as they paid and packed the car up, Yixing was smiling wider than Yifan had ever seen before.

That sight alone made keeping their relationship a secret worth it.

 

Yixing was getting ready and Yifan was waiting for him in the living area, they'd put the food away and they'd decided upon having dinner out in a restaurant neither of them had ever been to before. Yifan was nervous, he'd never felt such a way about taking somebody to dinner before and he picked at the buckle of his leather strap watch as his foot bounced on the floor. He thought he was going to break out in a sweat as he heard the sounds of feet beating on the stairs the floor above. He stood up and wiped his dry hands on his jeans, his shirt rustled on his neck as he looked up as he waited for Yixing to appear at the top of those stairs.

He nibbled on his lip as he saw toned legs clad in fitted black slacks, a neat shirt that had the top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. A necklace that Yifan recognised as one of his own dangled from Yixing's neck and jingled slightly as he made his descent and he beamed up at Yixing. The younger smiled back and Yifan held out his hand for the younger to take, he led him outside and locked the doors behind him.

"Excited?" Yifan asked over his shoulder, hoping to quash some of his own nerves into a dark hole in his stomach.

"Yes," Yixing responded lightly, looking down the street while he squeezed Yifan's hand like it was a beating heart. "I think I'm half nervous though. I want everything to be perfect because it's _you_ , you know?"

Yifan nodded, he really did understand the younger and he shared the same sentiment. He wanted everything to run smoothly, it was _Yixing_.

 _His_ Yixing, he smiled at the mere thought of those two words flowing side by side.

They got into the car, their hands joined again over the centre console and Yifan stayed there quietly for a few moments, he was just watching Yixing as the younger fiddled with his safety belt. It took Yixing looking up at Yifan to make the elder rev the engine into life and release his hand to place it onto the gear shift. Once he'd reversed out of the space the car had been parked in, he tucked Yixing's hand under his own on the leather stick, the two of them shifting the gears around when Yifan softly said the number.

Yifan could feel a warmth in his hand that he never had before when he touched Yixing, it was like static between the both of them and it sizzled around him. Yixing fiddled with the music playing, the younger's taste spreading through genres and he always had some obscure artist amongst his collection that Yifan had never even heard of. It was relaxing, a level of normal that was weaved into their everyday life but with a new, sharper edge. There were feelings of something _more_. It was no longer hinted or implied, it was certifiable in the silence.

The drive wasn't long but there was enough time for Yixing to begin to shift in his seat, his boundless energy making him vibrate with the need to exert some of it and the other's wide eyes were glinting in the fading light of the evening. When the got to the restaurant, Yifan pulled into a free space and they got out, Yifan flitted to Yixing's side for the younger to hold at his arm as they made their way into the restaurant's foyer. The server that greeted them guided them over to their table, which made Yifan happy to see that they were midway down the back wall.

It was just quiet enough there to talk casually without the music drowning them out but the soft tones floating out of the speakers covered their conversations from other guests. It also have them a little more seclusion and a clear view of the whole room, perfect for Yifan keeping an eye out for anybody they knew.

"Do you know what I want to drink?" Yixing asked, peering up from here he sat as Yifan stepped down onto his own chair.

"I've known you since you were six, Xing, and you've ordered lemonade mixed with orange juice at every restaurant we've ever been to," the elder muttered as he lifted up his menu, scanning over the food they had and picking a small selection of things they would possibly want to eat. "You can pick the food, I'll have anything on here."

Yixing laughed, it was more of a giggle but the sound was still delighting to Yifan's brain, "Aren't you supposed to swoop in and order for me because you're Mister Suave?"

"This isn't a film, Yixing," Yifan clicked his tongue against the edge of his mouth as their waitress came over. Yifan ordered their drinks before Yixing began to rattle off a small list of foods that he had taken a liking to from looking at the menu. It had a very soothing feeling for the older one, watching Yixing's mouth move in his expressive way of speaking as he communicated everything he wanted to the woman armed with a notepad and pen.

Once his list was completed, Yifan couldn't resist the urge to coax Yixing with a finger to lean over the table and when he did, Yifan kissed him softly and as tenderly as he could muster. He pulled back to see Yixing's internal flustering displayed in his eyes, his cheeks slightly pink and his hands frozen on the edge of the table. The view made Yifan grin until he thought his lips would split because seeing Yixing looking like he'd just proposed to him had his heart exploding like dynamite. Yixing's lips were so pink, his cheeks had turned red and Yifan had found an affection in that expression. The teenager was disbelieving that Yifan had done such a thing in public, so he did it again. Yixing remained like that, stuck as a stone, until the server came back with their drinks.

Yifan wanted to continually feel Yixing's lips between his own, but he knew that wasn't the right thing to do where they were and he took Yixing's hand to hold as another server appeared with their food. Yixing had ordered an array of dishes but Yifan's fingers were too busy clasping in the other's to really take in what had been ordered for him. He could easily feel the nervous heat from Yixing's hand and the way the younger was trembling ever so slightly. Yifan peered up and saw that Yixing's face had gone a deep maroon shade, a strong blush dashed on his cheeks that the elder couldn't help but adore.

Yixing placed some food in Yifan's dish with the hand he had free and Yifan was glad that he himself could use chopsticks well enough in his left hand to return the gesture, the fingers of theirs that were clasped twitched and caressed at one another, the nerves Yifan could feel from Yixing eased as they fell into an ease filled quiet.

Yifan couldn't stop staring at how handsome Yixing was and relished completely in the fact that he could openly stare at the other in full knowledge that his feelings were completely returned. He no longer had to move his eyes away when he got caught by the other or accent it with something friendly, like acting as though Yixing had crumbs in his hair.

"How is work going?" Yixing coaxingly asked, his eyes meeting with Yifan's as they slowly began to eat what the other had granted them.

"Stressful but it's good, I'm glad I'm getting the hardest parts out of the way now while I'm still in school because then I already have my footing in the company and I'm starting to slowly build on that even now."

"Have they said anything to you, about maybe signing you to their team?" Yixing was looking at Yifan as if he was reading every inch of his soul and Yifan bit his lip.

"I've been joining their second string team for a few practices, just to see if I can keep up with them but I don't think it will amount to anything."

"Why not?" Yixing turned his head cutely, leaning over to take something he had placed in Yifan's bowl out and into his own mouth, which had Yifan biting back a smile.

"I'm not as good as their players," Yifan shrugged, retaliating by snatching food out of Yixing's dish and his fingers were snapped at by Yixing's chopsticks comically.

"But they all train professionally everyday," Yixing pointed out. "They have conditioning coaches and they devote their whole day to training. You're studying, working and spending the rest of your free time practicing. Surely they must see that?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"Well, I think you're the best basketball player I've ever had the chance to blow."

Yifan wasn't sure how Yixing's had timed his shocking comment for when the elder was trying to swallow something, the words had caused Yifan's throat to close up and he started to choke on some vegetables. The younger was laughing so much his whole body had seized up, his mouth fully creased and Yifan was stuck halfway between gagging on the food and laughing so much his stomach hurt. They managed to gain the attention of the people sat at tables around them, some of them questioning whether or not to help Yifan and it wasn't long until the college student had dislodged the food form his own throat, "You almost _killed_ me."

"It was worth it," Yixing japed cheekily, taking yet more food from Yifan's dish for himself.

Everything slowed down from that point on, Yixing's ankles nestling themselves between Yifan's legs and their conversation was focused on everything that made them both happy. Yifan enjoyed the affection he could give Yixing, like kissing his palm, flirting happily and gazing ardently at Yixing. The younger blushed so much that Yifan was sure he could feel the heat coming off the younger, that reaction was all Yifan needed to know that what Luhan had once said was right. Yixing had been harbouring feelings for Yifan across a number of years. It showed in his eyes, they always sparkled when Yixing looked at him but he'd only really just noticed. It had been there since Yifan had known the younger but it shone those few tones lighter as they sat opposite each other like that.

Yifan stared at Yixing, resting his chin on his hand and then pressed Yixing's left hand to be palm up, he used his able index finger to draw random patterns on the younger's skin and Yixing continued eating happily. Yifan had never been so enamoured by a date before, he felt as though he was sipping on something sweeter from life.

He didn't think he could ever resist Yixing again.

"Hey, why aren't you eating?" Yixing quipped, snapping his chopsticks right in front of Yifan's nose and the elder snapped out of his rapture instantly.

Yifan ate the food from his own dish and spied the last piece of meat that was set between the two of them, as Yifan moved forward with his eating utensils another set of chopsticks hastily beat his and he watched the pork leave the dish and disappear between Yixing's lips. The teenager giggled as he chewed the piece, Yifan's face morphing into a display of shock and Yixing just laughed harder.

"I wanted that."

"So did I."

"But I'm your elder."

"And I'm your boyfriend."

"Yeah, you are," Yifan smiled, the word _boyfriend_ making his heart feel as hot as magma.

Yifan forgot about the meat he had wanted when he saw Yixing's eyes curve up as a result of beautifully a large smile. He continued on eating happily, despite having no meat left in his dishes and continued to clear his plates and bowls quickly. Yixing did just the same, taking a little more time to chow his down, even though he still seemed to stuff his mouth until his cheeks puffed them out like a little hamster. The elder found that sight endearing, the younger showing his complete comfort with the elder and giving a display of trust.

"Do you want to do anything after this?" Yifan asked just as Yixing finished his food, he watched as the younger swallowed with a thoughtful expression. "We can do whatever you want; watch a film, take a walk, get ice cream. You pick."

"Can we just go home?" Yixing whispered, his hand reaching for Yifan's arm to trail his fingers up the soft, tender part of Yifan's skin.

"Of course, you can go get in the car and I'll pay here," Yifan fished the keys out of his pocket to hand them over to the younger, he caught the attention of the waitress as Yixing sorted himself to leave the restaurant.

The elder finished paying as Yixing got out onto the street, he followed after the younger with a smile on his face as he witnessed Yixing almost skip the rest of the way to the car. His heart thudded harder, not necessarily faster, when he considered how _happy_ Yixing seemed. It was all deeper, nothing was suspended in the air between them anymore and Yifan felt somewhat rooted in his life.

He got back into the car, beside the younger and Yixing was quietly singing along to some music that played from the radio. It wasn't stiflingly domestic, nor was it littered with the awkwardness of the common first date, it was just Yifan and Yixing acting like they normally did but Yifan could press his lips to Yixing's and feel a smile grow on the other's face.

When they arrived home, Yixing didn't speak as they entered the house and bypassed the hallway table after removing his shoes to head up the stairs. It wasn't spoken but it was certainly implied, Yifan was to follow behind him and it wasn't until the second staircase that he allowed himself to become excited by the anticipation that was culminating within him. Yixing took his shirt off first, which left the teenager topless in the room, and Yifan was fumbling to do the same. He didn't know how far they would go, even though he'd be happy with anything, and approached the other with a small smile.

He could see how Yixing's stomach rounded with food ever so slightly, making his normally relatively hard abs look a little softer and pudgy. That was what had Yifan's heart drumming at speed, the younger wasn't nervous about showing him a less ' _perfect_ ' version of himself and there wasn't an ounce of insecurity in that. Yifan reached out and rubbed over the soft skin that came together in a fine trail of hair that banded from just beneath his belly button to fade into his trousers. Yixing was nowhere near flawless, the small scars on his back from the odd pimple and the pale pink scars from his childhood and dancing that dappled his knees were evidence of that. Though, Yifan wasn't much better with marks from basketball layered on his flesh and a few faded to white stretch marks on the backs of his thighs from one of his more sudden growth spurts. Those things weren't an issue as they both stripped down to their underwear and marveled at the way the other was formed.

Nothing was perfect about them, or them being together, but there was nothing wrong with the way Yixing's hands felt warm on Yifan's skin or the way Yifan's fingers curled into Yixing's nape to draw their mouths together. The elder could taste their dinner on Yixing's lips, it lingered on his tongue and stirred into his own saliva. He wasn't concerned for the taste, it was how the other felt that had his head spinning as the younger gently pulled him back towards the bed they shared almost every night.

Yixing pulled away an inch, his breath hot and heavy as it blew between Yifan's parted lips, "I want to go all the way with you and I want you to know that you would not be taking advantage of me if we were to have sex. I have wanted, _craved_ , this for so long."

Yifan looked as clearly as he could into the other's eyes, despite their close proximity blurring the finer details of the dark irises he adored so. "It's okay, I know," the elder didn't say anything more as they both slipped down onto the mattress below, only speaking up when his fingertips brushed over the younger's cheekbones, "I would always stop if you said no or didn't want to do anything anymore. It's never too late to back out of anything."

"It's okay, I know," Yixing smiled, his mirrored words soothing a niggling voice in the back of Yifan's head that told him he had to always put the younger first.

They kissed from then, their lips moulded and swelled as they slotted together perfectly. Tongues dipped in together and swirled, creating meaningless patterns in their exhales as Yifan settled comfortably on top of Yixing. The younger's legs opened up to accommodate his hips between them, creating a warm shroud for Yifan to encase himself in as he began to grind gently to arouse Yixing into semi-hardness. He knew he had to take things somewhat slowly, as he had a few more years of experience to hold himself back from finishing quickly and to allow Yixing to fully appreciate and relish in everything Yifan had to give up. The elder let his lips drift across to Yixing's cheeks, to trail down to his jaw and meet with his neck in fleeting pecks to not over stimulate the younger with his most sensitive spot.

There was the ever so faint hint of Yixing's cologne on Yifan's tongue as he licked a small spot on the other's nape, it was sweet to taste with most of the chemicals having evaporated or sunk into the other's skin. Other than that, it was all ginger and nutmeg in his mouth and Yifan thought he could devour the younger's natural aroma for breakfast, lunch and dinner each day and never tire of it.

One of his hands made its way to where Yixing's member was slowly filling and hardening with blood between them, he used the heel of his palm to gently brush over the bulge in a way that made Yixing's breath stutter beside his ear.

Yifan didn't have to pull back to know that Yixing would have looked beautiful in that sudden moment, it was a given that the younger would appear godlike below him and under his experienced hands. Yixing wasn't somebody who was there to keep Yifan company at night, so he made sure to treasure every breathy exclaim, every time Yixing's hands balled into fists on his back and how the younger seemed to flood every one of his thoughts. It wasn't an invasion of Yifan's mind, it was the acceptance that Yixing was all he would ever see when he thought of things like affection.

Yifan couldn’t deny that seeing Yixing so beautifully had his blood trickling south and began to turn him on, the younger was awe inspiring at any given moment and Yifan needed to show his adoration for that. He needed to display it to the younger to enable an insight into how Yifan really viewed him. That’s why Yifan’s mouth moved to worship at Yixing’s body, to be a physical show of gratitude and care that matched his words when they first agreed upon their relationship. It was important that Yixing felt like he could touch the sky whenever Yifan touched him, he had to be the centre of Yifan’s world and that he was the only thing the elder orbited around. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered between kisses onto Yixing’s form, it was spoken with sincerity and the younger sighed whenever he heard the words.

The younger seemed to grow hotter beneath Yifan's mouth, so he pulled away from him to look down and see that he was hard and leaking a lot faster than Yifan had anticipated. "Do you need me to slow down? Are you going to cum quickly if I go too fast?"

"Slower, no stopping, just slower," Yixing nodded his head and Yifan looked at him for a few seconds before using his own hand to rub at the crotch of his own underwear and make himself harder than he already was. He leaned over the younger's body, allowing the younger to catch his breath and become more comfortable amongst the duvet and pillows underneath them both.

Yifan pulled out a condom and a pocket sized bottle of lube from his drawers, his hands working quickly to strip both he and Yixing of their undergarments prior to tearing open the foil packet and taking out the slippery latex item. He pinched the protruding bump at the top as he rolled the condom onto himself and Yixing's brows furrowed in confusion.

Yifan's voice was even as he answered the younger's unasked question, "I'm doing this now, in case stretching you is too much and we need to do things quickly."

"I am already stretched," Yixing muttered, his face pinked up as he looked at Yifan, his hand teasing around the base of his hardness, keeping himself at the height of stimulation. "In the shower before we left, I did it then."

"Oh," the word fell almost disappointingly from his lips but the genuine smile there told otherwise. "I'll just quickly use the lube to make things smoother, okay?"

Yixing nodded and placed both his legs apart and firmly on the bed, Yifan shuffled in between them and kissed over the younger's inner thighs before making his way up to his knees and back down again. This all happened as he squeezed out a moderate amount of lube and coated two of his fingers in it. The elder lost his cool for a moment as the thought of where Yixing learned to open himself up ran through his head. He was not bothered that Yixing wasn't a virgin, he wasn't that much of a hypocrite, but he did feel a possessive edge when he considered Yixing's ex-boyfriend showing him such things. That was when Yifan turned one of his kisses into a firm bite, which Yixing reacted to with a yelp that quickly became a moan. It was a mark that could be covered but Yifan knew it would be there. He knew that it was a sign of their relationship starting and Yixing's old one left to rust with time.

Yixing lifted his hips slightly as Yifan ran his fingertips around his puckered rim and then into his body, feeling how relaxed it was and the glide in and out as he spread the lube around was easy.

Once he had done that, he wiped his fingers over his condom covered member to rid himself of the excess lubricant, ply his erection with more and to ensure that he was at full hardness before lining up with the younger.

He hesitated slightly.

"I want this, ge," Yixing whispered, as if sensing the elder's impending question. "I really want this, I give full consent to this."

Yifan nodded, his head already beading with sweat and he'd not even entered his boyfriend's body. As he pressed against the other's entrance, he felt Yixing tremble slightly and Yifan knew it was neither nerves, nor pain, it was as if Yixing couldn't believe it was actually happening.

He pushed his way in, watching as Yixing's face tightened slightly with discomfort but there was no evident hurt etched into his features. Yifan could feel how firm Yixing was inside, it was warm and deliciously taut. He focused then, on lowering his chest down and bringing them nose to nose on the bed. He was seated almost fully in the younger, stopping from going the whole way in by some slight resistance but Yixing seemed to be drowned in bliss by the feeling of having Yifan within him.

Yifan almost spoke before Yixing twitched his hips gently, his body jerking slightly as Yifan's erection brushed past where his prostate lay. He knew that Yixing had adjusted, that he was ready and he kissed his boyfriend as he drew his own pelvis away from the other's and moved it back in. Yifan wasn't one to kiss during sex on most occasions, it was something he found difficult with his usual want for a harder, faster session but everything was slowed down for Yixing. He knew the smaller would cum far too quickly if he were to go too fast, it wasn't something he wanted to risk. So he favoured sensuality over lust.

Their breathing fell in sync as Yifan gently fucked into the younger, their chests mere inches apart and Yixing's legs slowly wrapped around his waist and locked at the ankles there. Yixing's eyes were shut as their mouths collided but Yifan kept his open, he wanted to see the way Yixing's face changed and morphed as their bodies entwined.

It wasn't long, maybe two or so minutes, before Yixing started started to moan and groan out Yifan's name. Their kiss ended there, their breaths a few degrees hotter than they were before they'd joined mouths but neither of them cared as Yixing's head laid back and his hands moved to hold at Yifan's shoulders.

Barely five more minutes passed like that; their hips meeting as Yifan slid in and out of Yixing's wondrous body. There was a gentle hum between them both as Yifan's own pants and muted cries joined with Yixing's. It didn't shock the elder how tight Yixing felt, given his smaller stature and Yifan's firm thickness, but he really had not expected it to feel as though Yixing's body was sucking him in even more. He only had to angle his hips a few degrees differently before Yixing's prostate was being rubbed against almost continually.

It took a few thrusts for Yixing's body to spasm slightly, for his cock to twitch against both of their stomachs and for his body to gently coil up. He knew Yixing was coming to his end, not lasting anywhere near as long as Yifan could but the elder knew that was okay. It wasn't like he could ever expect to cum at the same time as a seventeen year-old who was far less experienced than he was.

Yifan's hand wiggled between their bodies as he circled his hand around the younger's shaft, pumping it up and down until Yixing's whole body began to tense up beneath him.

"Xing-ah," he groaned, "relax, it will feel better if you let it build up and then are relaxed when you cum."

Yixing nodded, his shoulders going back against the pillows as he unfurled himself and Yifan smiled as he felt hot fluid spurt out onto his hand and onto both of their stomachs as he jerked the other slowly, milking him until it was only Yixing's left leg that was twitching against his hips.

Yifan pulled out as slowly and forgiving as he could while Yixing laid out breathless on the bed in front of him. The elder took the condom off and moved to be beside the other, rather than between his legs and Yixing turned over to look at him, his eyes going down to where Yifan was still completely hard. It took a few minutes, within which Yifan had softened a little bit more, before Yixing said anything.

"May I?" His boyfriend asked, holding out a hand and Yifan bit down on his own lower lip.

"Only if you want to," the elder whispered and the next moment, Yixing's fingers were curled around the base of his shaft and he was pumping up and down much faster than Yifan had been doing to Yixing.

The younger worked diligently to get the elder off, sometimes using both hands to draw up and down the then completely hard member. Other times, Yixing would used his less dominant hand to fondle Yifan's balls, in hopes of speeding the elder's release. It worked, five minutes later, Yifan was grunting lowly as he came over Yixing's fingers and his own chest, his seminal fluid mixing in with Yixing's in a sticky puddle.

"Grab my shirt, it's on the floor," Yifan panted, his fingers trembling as he pointed down the other side of the bed and Yixing bent off the edge and brought the item up. Yifan took it from the other and wiped them both up as best as he could.

They switched places while they climbed under the covers, Yixing went into his normal spot and Yifan rolled over to face him. It was strangely quiet, almost awkward as Yixing looked up at the ceiling, his bottom lip between his teeth and Yifan knew something was wrong with him. If not for how he wasn't speaking but in the way the other looked almost disappointed.

"Are you okay?" He whispered, reaching out his hand to take Yixing's within it.

"I'm sorry," Yixing muttered, his eyes closing and Yifan was sure Yixing was going to cry. The elder rolled over so that he was directly above Yixing but the younger still didn't look at him.

Yifan's whole world felt like it was crashing because his fear that Yixing regretted it, or found the whole thing too weird, became reality. Just before Yifan asked why or what he could do to salvage their relationship, Yixing spoke some unexpected words. "Our first time was awful because I came too early. I ruined the whole thing."

Yifan didn't want to laugh and he bit his lip to stop himself from smiling as Yixing's eyes finally opened, a glistening of wetness evidently there.

"No, you really didn't," Yifan reassured him. "I loved being with you and being the reason behind your pleasure. You don't have to cum at the same time for something to be meaningful."

Yixing didn't look convinced but he no longer looked on the verge of tears, which Yifan took as a small success.

"Books and films don't always portray things accurately, sex isn't necessarily always about the orgasm, or the intensity of it, because then you're with somebody you truly care about, nothing else matters than being with them. Which is how I am with you." Yifan used his hand to stroke Yixing's hair as he pecked a kiss onto his nose. "If somebody convinced you otherwise, they're wrong. Yes, going through that moment together is great but it doesn't always happen and doesn't always _have_ to happen."

Yixing seemed soothed by those final words and let himself smile, which had Yifan's lips widening in the evening's light at the mere prospect of Yixing being just as happy as he was.

"I don't want to get out of this bed," Yixing murmured, his hands moving to wrap around Yifan's neck and draw the elder even closer to give him an eskimo kiss.

"We don't have to until you want to," Yifan hummed, nuzzling into Yixing's neck as gently as he could before littering earnest and short kisses there. "We can just lay here until we sleep."

"That sounds so good," Yixing agreed, nodding his body as he flipped them over to be the one on top of Yifan. The younger's power always truck Yifan and made him smile thinking of how strong Yixing was and that he'd probably be stronger than him in a few years.

"We've got the whole weekend to ourselves, we can do whatever we want," Yifan kissed Yixing slowly then. "I want you to be happy, so don't worry about anything."

"I am happy," Yixing confessed, his fingers playing with the hair on Yifan's head, making him close his eyes whenever the younger brushed over his scalp.

"Then I'm happy too," Yifan kissed whichever part of Yixing's face was closest to his lips and the younger settled then, shimmying down Yifan's bare body to rest his head on his chest and layer their legs together.

They didn't say anything for almost two hours but Yifan laid there with his eyes closed, twiddling a few strands of Yixing's hair between his fingers and pushed away the fractional guilt he had for adoring and bedding his younger brother's best friend. That feeling was far outweighed by the sense of wholeness Yifan felt with the complete skin to skin contact with Yixing, they'd gone chest to chest before but the raw feeling of flesh upon flesh had his heart swollen with happiness.

 

# ♠

 

Waking up the next day happened just before dawn due to how early the two of them had slept through the night and they agreed upon alternating using the shower. Yifan used the bathroom first with the promise of making Yixing pancakes on his lips, to which the younger had accepted quickly and the elder didn't mind that Yixing had fallen back to sleep. He took that as an opportunity to get some work done in the study, tapping on the keys until he'd responded to all e-mails that he could and ran internet based errands for his boss. It took him two hours, maybe a little longer, to cut through that.

His body felt relieved of tension that had weighed his shoulders down since Yixing's birthday party. To cum at the hands of his wonderful boyfriend had felt like a dream come true at the time. He couldn't compare it to any other time he'd had a sexual experience, it wasn't so much an explosion but more like a breaking of shackles.

He had once been worried that all he wanted was Yixing's body and he could safely say that, that fearful deduction had been completely wrong. Everything was about how they felt, how Yixing felt and how _connected_ he felt to the younger.

Yifan deemed that what he was going through was similar to the protagonist of a story. The craving part of him didn't want to give that feeling up.

He rested his forehead on the desk, banging against it slightly but even that dull thud didn't stop his face from curving into a smile. It was like a dream he didn't have to worry about waking up from.

The college student only stood up from his position when he heard footsteps above his head and the shower turning on, the water creaked through the pipes and he made his way down the stairs to mix up some homemade batter for the couple's breakfast. He left it on the side and took a seat at the table, knowing that Yixing would whine if he couldn't be there to watch Yifan try to flip the pancakes in the pan and fail dismally. It was a part of his pride that Yifan was willing to sacrifice to hear Yixing's melodic laugh and feel the world get a little brighter at the mere sound of it.

He sat down at the table and fiddled with his phone until the younger appeared in the doorway. The sight of him had the elder's body going rigid.

Yifan thought that suffering was droughts in scorching heat and burning colds; desert lands stripped of water and humidity. He hadn't thought it would be a seventeen year old in a sweater. _His_ sweater. With Luhan gone for his football tournament and his parents away in support of the youngest Wu family member; Yifan reminded himself that they had the house to themselves. It was why Yixing had the thick will over his bare body with nothing else. Yifan could only think about his naked, firm body was rubbing and caressing itself on the soft textile. He couldn't even finish his text message to Kyungsoo with the sight of Yixing tipping on his toes to pluck the sugar from the cupboard, which made the sweater rise up and up until the supple curve of his ass could be seen.

The worst part was the slightly bruised bite mark that had begun to reveal itself on the back of Yixing's thigh, a symbol of Yifan losing his control in a momentary burst the night before. Much like he was in that split second. He wondered if Yixing would let him lick at the plump flesh and deliciously twitching hole as the younger tried to prop himself up on the work surface. He imagined Yixing rubbing his hard and leaking cock on the cold granite to seek relief from the heat Yifan created between his thighs. He thought of how fast Yixing would cum and be left twitching in Yifan's wake.

Since he had seen Yixing in all his glory, it was difficult to see anything else at the sight of his splendorous body. He couldn't stop watching as Yixing bent over to pull a lemon juicer from a low cupboard, the sweater falling forward and Yifan thought about standing, using his hand to hold the younger down and taking him from behind. He wondered if Yixing would like that, if he would consent to having sex in the kitchen.

Yifan didn't realise that the previous night had triggered something ravenous within him, not when he considered that Yixing wasn't fragile and would be able to take some level of manhandling.

He stood from his chair and quietly moved to where the younger was cutting lemons on a chopping board, creating a small pile of the yellow fruit that they could use to flavour their pancakes with. Yifan waited until he was done and the younger reached for the juicer, to which he then moved to his knees and kissed up the back of Yixing's thighs. The other startled at the movement, squeaking as Yifan's head began to tuck itself under the thickly knitted red sweater that Yixing had paraded around in front of him in.

Yixing didn't protest, so Yifan took a chance and kissed across one of his ass cheeks, pressing his down the centre of the two globes and letting his tongue feel out for Yixing's entrance.

"Ge, what are you doing?" Yixing asked slowly while Yifan's hands brushed up his outer thighs lightly, stimulating the younger's body.

Yifan pressed his tongue flat and lapped at Yixing's hole, which had a shaky ' _oh_ ' leaving the teenager's mouth. A hand met Yifan's head through the sweater and Yifan was prepared to pull away from where he had been getting a good taste of the other but he was pleasantly surprised when Yixing pushed his head further in, as if to tell Yifan that he wanted more.

The older of the two obliged the unspoken request and plunged his tongue into Yixing, enjoying the almost wanton cries the younger was releasing as he began to bend over the counter to give Yifan more access. Yifan slowly began to tongue fuck Yixing with a fervor he hadn't displayed the night before. He got as much of the appendage in the stretched hole that he could, flattening it against the walls and tasted the dull, empty taste of the condom lubricant that had licked it the night before.

Yixing's legs began to shake quickly and Yifan pulled his head away, much to the protest of the teenager. Yifan stood up then, once he had come out from under the material of the jumper, and ran his hands down Yixing's ass.

"Are you sore in any way?" Yifan asked into Yixing's ear and the younger shook his head, gasping as Yifan's teeth caught his ear and his eyes fluttered closed.

Yifan's mind blurred as he reached for a bottle of olive oil they kept on the counter for cooking, Yixing arched back into him, clearly turned on and Yifan saw the same person that he had at the two parties in which they had crossed the boundaries between platonic and something else. The seductive, lusting teenager.

Yifan dribbled some of the oil on his hand, his other arm pushing the things Yixing had been using away from them both and immediately began to coat his cock with the slippery liquid, Yixing was fully bent over the counter by then and Yifan had a momentary urge he'd never had before. He wanted to place a firm slap onto Yixing's revealed and slightly saliva slicked ass, though he refrained because he didn't know if Yixing would like that sort of thing. He saved that idea for a later day but quickly aligned himself with Yixing's twitching entrance and pushed through with no warning.

Yixing moaned loudly, his smaller hand already fisting at his erection and his hips began to grind backwards, moving Yifan within him and his cries increasing in volume as his prostate was abused more and more each time.

Yifan let the younger do as he pleased before demanding that Yixing turn around and sit on the counter, which had them both grunting as Yifan's cock was pulled out and Yixing was sat with his legs wide open on the granite work surface. The elder went between his thighs and drew him right to the edge of where he was sat, pressing back into Yixing and the younger joined their lips.

"I'm going to go a little harder than last night, is that okay?" Yifan muttered in a husky tone, Yixing's nod being his consent to pull out and push hastily back in. The taller moved them slightly down the counter and opened one of the cabinets. "Put your legs on my shoulders and hold onto the cupboard above your head."

Yixing's hands found the wooden base to the internal shelves and his legs were hooked firmly over Yifan's shoulders, "I'm ready."

Yifan held Yixing's thighs as he began to thrust that little bit deeper, that little bit harder and that little bit faster than their first time to have Yixing's eyes widening like saucers and his mouth going slack.

It wasn't long until those rounded eyes became lidded and that mouth was forming sounds that appeared to be attempts at ' _oh_ 's, ' _yes_ 's and ' _fuck_ 's. None of it was clear but the lust in Yixing's eyes told Yifan that he was liking the slightly more rough sex.

Although, if things weren't clear enough, the yelled, " _More,_ " made the idea concrete in Yifan's mind. He did, however, give in to the younger's request of giving him more by angling his thrusts that little bit more to firmly stimulate the younger's prostate and drive him into a groaning frenzy.

Their bodies matched as they both tried to move their hips, Yixing’s entire body seemed to be electric with pleasure and Yifan soaked it all up, he was enthralled by the view he had. Yixing’s neck, free of any marks, was displayed in front of him and he wished to bite and suck on it to get a taste. But the rule was unspoken, _no marks_. Though, that didn’t mean that Yifan could stop himself from fantasising.

That time around, Yifan couldn't warn Yixing to tell him to relax his way through his orgasm because it seemed to strike the younger like a bat to a ball. There seemed to be no preamble to Yixing's low groan and his orgasm, one second Yixing was moaning and the next his cum was on Yifan’s shirt and the sweater the younger had stolen from the elder’s wardrobe. The way Yixing had clenched up enveloped Yifan’s cock in a heat he’d never experienced and just as Yixing edged towards his comedown, Yifan was erupting inside of him and coating Yixing’s unprotected walls in his ejaculate.

The warm fluid flooded around Yifan’s member and Yixing panted loudly in his ear, his arms having come from the cupboard around to Yifan’s shoulders as he tried to catch his breath. The elder rested his head on Yixing’s for his own relaxation and wrapped his arms around Yixing’s shoulders to stabilise himself.

“Good morning,” Yixing chuckled with air rushing around his words. “I thought I was just going to get pancakes.”

“Morning,” Yifan turned his head to kiss Yixing’s ear. “We should get our clothes in the washer, throw out those lemons and disinfect the kitchen.”

“Uh, ge, this sweater is dry clean only.”

“ _Why did you pick the only sweater in my closet that is dry clean only?_ ”

 

Their cravings for each other didn’t end until the rest of the Wu family returned back to the house, where Yifan and Yixing were sleeping off their exhaustion on the bed. Yixing had given Yifan his birthday present, a crate of chocolate milk, and Yifan had kissed Yixing so much in response that the younger couldn't stop laughing until he cried. They were rudely awoken by Luhan running in to yell about how he got Man of The Match in one of his games and that his team came second out of twenty-five. Which was an achievement because the winning team were from a sports academy and were a year older than Luhan, Minseok, Jongdae and Jongin. The couple congratulated the soccer star and before they knew it, Luhan was creeping under the duvet to nap with them.

Yixing looked mortified, as he was completely naked and Yifan was in his underwear. The college student bit his lip as he thought over plans on how to cover Yixing up as discreetly as they could and without Yixing being caught by his best friend. Luck, somehow, was swinging their way as Luhan whined about jeans being too uncomfortable to sleep in and that he was going to change into some sweatpants to go back and sleep in. As soon as the soccer player left the room, Yifan was scrambling across the room to find Yixing pyjama bottoms and a tank top to throw over his head.

The younger of the two dressed hastily under the covers, Yifan getting back in with enough time to kiss Yixing’s mouth gently before Luhan’s bedroom door shut with a loud squeak, and they were both completely relaxed upon his return. It made Yifan smile how Luhan nestled into his side like he used to as a child and Yixing took that as a go ahead to cling to the elder. It was like they were younger again when there wasn’t anything to be scared of other than the dark.

 

# ♠

 

Everything about Yifan and Yixing stabilised after than weekend, they got into a natural flow of their relationship and Yifan could note how Yixing seemed to glow whenever he saw Yifan. The elder’s schedule still meant for little alone time, other than at night, for the both of them and they reverted back to just jerking each other off, sometimes sucking too but that was reserved for more energetic evenings, when Yifan got into bed.

It didn't help that his days off were filled with Luhan, which was a great thing for when all three of them wanted to bond but there were times that Yifan just wanted to shove Yixing against a wall and kiss him until their lips hurt. Sometimes all he wanted to was to lay down and cuddle Yixing but he couldn't because Luhan always seemed to have boundless amounts of energy neither Yifan nor Yixing had after long nights of catching up and unloading their affections onto one another.

Yifan's car was where the couple got most of their time alone. They would drive out to random places sometimes and do stupid things like make out on the bonnet and have a little fumble with one another in the back seats. It was also where Yixing told Yifan about new music he'd created, how Jongdae was happy that Yixing's songs lightened up and that Ziyi often dropped in to see Yixing's progression. Yifan could watch Yixing talk for hours, just sitting there and admiring how expressive Yixing's mouth was, especially when he whined, and how he gesticulated with his hands to get as many points across as he could.

At other times, it would be at dinner when Yixing and Yifan would exchange food, they'd be sure to send only the best one to the other or that they would make sure the other got the first of that particular item. They even shared the same pizza when they got a delivery one night.

Kyungsoo had noted a change, a positive one, in Yifan that had the tall student smiling. His friends all noted on how Yifan appeared more affectionate and caring than he had done before. There was also the fact that Yifan could reject people by saying that he was seeing somebody else already.

Yixing was his boyfriend, officially and in every sense of the word. It was all Yifan's work fried brain could pinpoint amongst all the chaos. He could go home, forget about his day and be accepted into a bed that had somebody waiting for him in.

Yifan was happy for the days that he could pick the two younger boys up from school, Yixing with his songbook and dance kit bag and Luhan with his soccer duffle. They would all relax together in a peaceful quiet and Yifan would watch Yixing across from him and wonder which god he was favoured by to have such a wonderful person fall for him.

They always got ice cream, one of Yifan's many treats, on their short route home. It was a tradition that was quick to make and Yixing seemed delighted with his chocolate ice cream while Luhan seemed to stick to his vanilla choice of which Yixing tuned his nose up at. Yifan didn't have any, as he had to watch his food intake for the sake of his basketball training, and that had his two youngers whining about how he was being too careful with himself. It was also a perfect opportunity Yixing took to try and feed Yifan a couple scoops, the elder knew it was a guise for a romantic gesture. He only accepted the treat then. It wasn't as if he could resist the silent pleading and pouting display Yixing was showing, he couldn't say no to him.

When they all arrived home, they all ended up in Yifan's room. The elder took his time off as an opportunity to catch up on any basketball games he had missed while the other two stretched out like cats in the winter sun across his mattress. He sat on the floor with his laptop, resting his back against the bed frame and Yixing's fingers played gently with his hair. It had his eyes fluttering shut as the twiddling of strands slowly became a relaxing head massage, his entire body loosened up under the touches of the younger and Yifan couldn't resist to look around at his younger brother to see if his focus was elsewhere. Once he had ensured that it was, one of his hands wrapped around Yixing's wrist to bring his palm to his lips. He kissed the fleshy patches of the younger's hand as adoringly as he could.

Yixing, however, had other ideas. Ones that would be hard to cover for. The teenager took his hands out of Yifan's clasp and pushed two of his fingers against the slit between the elder's lips. It wasn't even a hint, it was more of a silent command than anything and Yifan parted his mouth willingly to allow the younger's fingers in. He sucked them gently at first, trying to keep the wet sounds to a minimum as Yixing tried to massage against Yifan's tongue and the elder could only suck that little bit more in retaliation.

"I'm getting a drink, anybody want anything from the kitchen?" Luhan asked, the rustling behind Yifan's head told him that his brother was standing up and Yixing removed his fingers from the college student's mouth just as it opened to allow him to.

"No thanks," Yixing hummed and Yifan just shook his head, his mind a little muddled over why Yixing would initiate something like that with Luhan around.

Once Luhan had disappeared out of the room and could be heard jogging down the stairs, Yifan looked around at Yixing with a gentle scowl and Yixing had a lidded gaze that Yifan knew all too well.

"Why did you do that? Luhan could have seen."

“I want you to touch me,” Yixing whispered, clambering down off the bed and pressing his body to Yifan’s side in a pleading manner. “I’ll even call you _gege_ when I cum.”

“I told you not to do that,” Yifan warned, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Yixing from the corner of his eyes. “You haven’t called me _gege_ for a while now, so just leave it.”

“Fanfan, please,” Yixing whispered as the sounds of Luhan edging his way up the stairs echoed through the house. “I’m really horny.”

“When aren’t you?” Yifan ran one of his hands down Yixing’s thigh, crawled one of his fingers around behind Yixing’s knee and caressed over the sensitive spot there. The younger’s leg twitched as he let out a small whimper, his eyes fluttered closed as Luhan entered the room and Yifan returned to look back at his laptop screen.

“What are you doing down there, Xing?” Luhan asked, placing his cup on the drawers at the end of the bed.

“ _Gege_ won’t pay me any attention.”

“Have you regressed back to being eight again, Yixing?” Luhan deadpanned and the youngest of the three pouted as petulantly as he could.

“ _Gege, gege, gege, gege, gege_ ,” Yixing continually whined, which made Luhan cackle unattractively and Yifan huffed out a long sigh until Yixing crawled around to place his pouting head on the top lip of Yifan’s laptop screen. “Play with me, _gege_.”

The elder scowled at the hidden meaning of the other’s words and Luhan only laughed harder, thinking that the youngest of the three was being petulant because he was bored. Yifan, however, was relieved that he didn’t feel an ounce of arousal at Yixing’s actions, given that his brother was sat barely a metre away.

Yixing also seemed to forget when Luhan distracted him with gossip about other students in their class. Which left Yifan to watch his basketball again, Yixing’s fingers soon found their way back into Yifan’s hair and affection flooded through the elder’s body.

 

# ♠

 

It was an idle Tuesday in December when Luhan sat both Yifan and Yixing down on Yifan’s bed with a nervous expression. It was an unusual occurrence and Yifan’s eyes flitted to Yixing worriedly, concern that they had been found out stifling him and making his palms sweat at his sides.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Luhan grumbled, his usually confident gaze settled on the floor and his hands wrung together. “I don’t know how to say this without it being weird. Or at least, weirder than it already is.”

“What is it, Lu?” Yixing’s voice trembled slightly and Yifan wanted to reach out for him, to comfort his anxiety.

“I want to watch gay porn with you two,” the mid aged one of the three blurted out and Yifan’s entire body went rigid. His neck managed to turn him so he was looking directly at his younger brother.

“Han, are you trying to say that you’r-”

“I’m not gay,” Luhan iterated, his hands waving in front of his body to shut down those thoughts.

“Then why?” Yixing’s head tilted to the side in Yifan’s peripheral vision, showing that he was just as lost as Yifan was in the whole situation.

“It’s hard to explain but can we just do it? I found a video but I don’t know if it is the kind of thing you guys like or if it’s even good but the rating was pretty high, as was the view count.”

Yifan wasn’t sure if he had just walked into some post-modern surrealist inspired film because he was half certain that his straight younger brother just offered to watch gay porn with him and his gay best friend, who just happened to be Yifan’s secret boyfriend. His head hurt to think about it but Luhan was quickly sitting himself between Yixing and himself.

Yifan recognised his own laptop on Luhan’s lap and creased his eyebrows, drawing them in together as he looked at the screen.

“Apparently there’s this thing called topping and bottoming, well I’m sure you guys know that but I wasn’t sure what either of you were because you’re both ‘ _normal'_  looking. Like neither of you are a ' _twink_ ’, I think that’s what they’re called, and neither of you are a ‘ _bear_ ’, you know the big, kind of intimidating looking guys. Well, you’re big and intimidating looking, ge, but not in that way. So I found one with the most ‘ _normal'_  looking guys in it, to you know, cater to whatever you guys do. Oh my god, I’m just going to click play now.”

Yifan was completely frozen as two men appeared on the screen, neither of them were particularly appetising to Yifan but he didn’t want to look at his brother or his boyfriend, so he kept staring at the bad acting pornstars with a sense of unease in his stomach.

The actors seemed to do all the trademark porn markers; kissing, fondling, fake moans and weird insertion shots. It was just two guys fucking, nothing too vanilla or kinky on the screen but then the one doing the fucking began to push his fingers into the other, as if to stretch him wider. It was then that Yifan chanced a look at Yixing.

The younger of the couple was already looking at him, expressing slight discomfort at what was happening in the room at that moment.

“Oh my god, how did they fit _that_ in there?” Luhan exclaimed, his hands on his mouth in a mix of curiosity and horror. Their eyes snapped back to the screen to see that the “bottom” had not only the “top”’s dick inside of him but a full sized silicone dildo too. He seemed to be whimpering like it was the best feeling in the world, as if that was all he ever wanted.

Yifan’s eyes drifted back to Yixing who, in return, sneaked Yifan a look and the elder narrowed his gaze at the way Yixing fidgeted and bit his lower lip.

He licked his own lips as he watched the plump reddened flesh escape from where it was trapped between neatly placed teeth, he couldn’t believe that Yixing actually seemed to be getting off on what they were watching and that he was lusting for Yifan as a consequence. Yixing’s nimble fingers began to pluck at the hand Yifan had placed behind Luhan to balance himself on the bed, they rubbed at his hands and it wasn’t long until Yixing slipped one of his own fingers between his lips and sucked on it as coyly as he could.

Yifan rolled his eyes but couldn’t deny that Yixing’s display was far more of a turn on than the display the two men on the screen were giving. Instead of focusing on his boyfriend, Yifan’s attention fell back on his brother and how uncomfortable he looked watching two men getting each other off on the screen. In all honesty, the sight made Yifan’s skin crawl a little because everything about the sex seemed so detached and he’d never quite felt that with anybody he’d slept with, especially Yixing.

“Han, I know you’re trying to be considerate and stuff to our sexualities but gay porn isn’t an accurate representation of what relationships between men are like,” Yifan hummed, closing the screen of the laptop to make the acted out moans and grunts stop. “It’s like straight porn, sex like that doesn’t tend to actually happen between most couples.”

“I know but sometimes I feel like I don’t try hard enough to understand you guys,” Luhan sucked in his bottom lip and Yixing reached out to hold one of his hands, and Yifan did the same with the other.

“Dating guys isn’t much different to dating a girl, it’s only really the sex that’s different. The feelings are the same, it’s not like we are dating a whole other species,” Yifan explained calmly but Luhan shook his head.

“I know that stuff but I don’t want to be ignorant in case you want to come to me with problems and stuff with the people you date,” Luhan looked down at where his hands were being held and Yifan smiled gently at his younger brother.

“Trying is enough for us, Hannie,” he ruffled Luhan’s hair with his spare hand and the teenager looked at him with worried eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” Yifan hummed, smiling widely at the other. “I am sure that Xing-ah agrees too.”

“Yeah, _gege_ is right. I’m not always going to understand the way it feels to be with a girl and you’re probably never going to know how amazing it feels to be taken up the ass.”

“ _Yixing_ ,” Luhan gasped, utterly scandalised and Yifan bit back a smirk.

“What? You might know how it feels to fuck somebody’s ass, if a girl lets you,” Yixing shrugged and Yifan couldn’t contain the snort from coming out of his nose. “Though, there are some girls who would be willing to do you up the-”

“I think that’s enough,” Luhan’s hands broke free from their collective grasp and he covered his ears with them. “I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t want anything going up my ass.” He took his hands back to his lap, turned to Yifan with a horrified expression which made the elder recoil slightly. “What if something gets lost in there?”

“Then it’s an awkward trip to the ER,” Yifan laughed, Luhan’s face fell and he shuddered.

“I think I’m going to go shower. I feel dirty at the idea of losing some foreign object up my ass.”

“You’ll change your mind after your first prostate exam,” Yixing yelled after him and Yifan tried his hardest to contain himself.

They both watched Luhan leave before they crumbled into laughter on Yifan’s bed, as soon as the sound of the water running in the main bathroom was heard, Yifan leaned forward and kissed Yixing quickly. He pulled back and took in the way he could see his own reflection in Yixing’s eyes, the way a shadow formed when his dimple creased and how his mouth was wide in a smile that had Yifan’s heart racing. They kissed again, a little longer that time, with Yifan’s hands on Yixing’s waist and the the younger’s arms hanging loosely around Yifan’s shoulders.

That was right up until Yixing pulled away, crawled across the bed and picked Yifan’s laptop up. He opened the screen and turned to the elder, who was as confused as he possibly could have been.

“I want to do it,” Yixing whispered.

“Have sex?” Yifan raised an eyebrow.

“Well, yes but not like normal,” Yixing turned the screen back towards Yifan, “like this.”

Yifan gulped slightly, his eyes taking in the scene the porn had been paused on and he slowly looked back to Yixing, “Really?”

“I’m curious about what my body can do,” Yixing nodded.

“And you want to discover that by me putting a vibrator inside of you while I am fucking you?”

“When you say it like that it sounds so crude,” Yixing retorted, sucking his teeth.

“That’s because it _is_ crude, Xingxing,” Yifan sat up and Yixing crawled forward a little more.

“I’m just curious to see if it feels good to be so full,” Yixing bit his lip contemplatively before continuing, “and I don’t want another person involved when we have sex, it’s a good alternative.”

Yifan thought it over a little, he imagined fingering Yixing while being completely seated inside of him and how he would writhe at the stimulation, then of how much tighter it would be inside Yixing if there were something else there to rub against while his boyfriend clenched around him. Plus, Yifan was the only person in the world he would trust with doing such things to the other with the best of intentions. He sighed and nodded his head, “If you want to try it, I’m willing to give it a go.”

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

“Truth be told, I’m a little curious to how you would react to it…”

“Can I call you _gege_ while we do it?”

“No.”

 

# ♠

 

It was two weeks later when Yifan and Yixing had a free house together and Yifan came home from work to see that Yixing was sat on their bed with a brown paper bag and his phone twiddled between his fingers. He looked up at Yifan and the elder walked over to sit next to him, his curiosity over what was in the bag made his head angle to one side until Yixing let the contents fall out on the bed.

There were condoms, lube and what Yifan instantly recognised to be a soft plastic vibrator that was a shade of pale pink. He instantly knew what Yixing had in mind and slowly, still silent, took off his clothing. Yixing did the same and Yifan couldn’t miss how the other seemed to be bubbling over with excitement. Yifan sat down on the bed and it wasn’t too long after that his boyfriend climbed onto his lap with his hands on the elder’s shoulders to balance himself.

That was Yixing’s favourite position to be fingered and stretched in, it meant he could look at Yifan while also bending over to have the elder’s fingers roaming his favourite spots inside of him. Yifan unwrapped the lube while Yixing peppered kisses up and down his neck, whimpering about how he had been waiting for Yifan’s fingers to open him up.

Yifan was ready to push the first two fingers into Yixing, their lack of alone time in the house had meant that they hadn’t had proper sex for a while. They had been having sneaky blowjobs in the shower or quick and relatively dissatisfying hand jobs in bed, it was nothing compared to being inside Yixing for Yifan. The younger always felt like heaven with how well he took Yifan while remaining a tightness that he heat only worsened, Yifan’s entire body clogged with lust at the mere thought.

Stretching Yixing was like foreplay for the both of them, Yixing got off on the prods to his prostate and Yifan got off on the way Yixing panted against his neck and how his knees shook. Though, the younger liked to feel like he was doing something to Yifan, physically at least. His talented hands wrapped around Yifan’s length and ensured that he was at full hardness by the time Yifan’s third finger was going in and out of Yixing. That was normally where things stopped but Yifan preferred to err on the side of caution and pushed his little finger into Yixing’s too. The younger let out a strong keen at that sensation, two of Yifan’s fingers brushed firmly over the area where he knew the younger’s prostate lay and Yixing moved to bend forward even more, his eyes fluttered shut as his forehead leaned against Yifan’s shoulder.

“Are you ready?” Yifan eventually spoke and Yixing nodded his head.

The elder moved them so that Yixing was on his hands and knees on the bed, neither of them really liked such position but they had previously discussed that it was the best way to do what they had planned to. Yifan had constantly stressed to Yixing that he had to be honest if something hurt too much, if he wanted to stop or if he had any other worries because Yifan would no longer see the younger’s face to read his emotions.

Yixing got himself comfortable with pillows around his body and Yifan unpackaged one condom and rolled it onto the dildo, his face burning in ever so slight embarrassment, then he pulled one onto himself. Yixing hummed to show that he was ready and Yifan pushed his way into the younger’s body, letting out a deep breath as he did so and Yixing moaned gently, already grinding his hips back. Even through the condom, Yifan could feel everything inside Yixing and he relished in that as Yixing adjusted a little more to the intrusion.

Yifan saw how Yixing held at the pillows beneath him, his hands ready to ball up tightly if he was needed to transfer pressure out of the lower half of his body and Yifan was usually ready for those fists to clench at his arms or his hair. It was weird seeing them elsewhere but it was an erotic display nonetheless. Yifan only began to pull out of the younger when his hips began to undulate backwards inch by inch.

Even when Yifan thrust in and out of Yixing, he wasn’t rough or harsh in anyway. It was more of a deep and slow drag of his body, one that had Yixing’s back arching to adjust to the pleasure and to hold at the fabric in his grip. There were no moans just yet, it was all deep breaths and tension building. Yifan felt stimulated by the feeling of being inside the younger but Yixing still had a long way to go before the mounting pressure from his prostate covered his nerves in pleasure.

Yifan did think that the position, as undignified as it was for his boyfriend, was somewhat erotic; he could see how his member moved and disappeared into the other. It was a satisfying crutch and climb of lust within him, his hands held at Yixing’s hips until he pushed one of his palms up the younger’s spine. He toyed with the hairs at the nape of the other’s neck, listening to the soft whine it made Yixing release as the sensitive part of his body caused an almost immediate reaction. Which was felt by Yifan in how his ass clenched around his cock.

Yixing’s entire body was provocative, the way his muscles moved under his skin and how it moved with every small shift. His flesh rippled in an almost serpentine display of arousal, his legs were toned and Yifan moved his hand to rub at the sensitive area on Yixing’s knee, the tender part at the back where hair thinned out to show an almost bare patch of skin.

The college student gradually sped up, always angling his hips to ensure as much prostate contact as he could manage. He had swiftly learned that Yixing was somebody who liked continual stimulation there , as opposed to some of the people Yifan had slept with who only like to be teased on their prostate nearer the end of sex, and Yifan never really minded. It usually meant that Yixing felt satisfied and he could feel excitement build within him when he thought about how much Yixing could enjoy what was to come.

“Fan,” Yixing whimpered and that gained the attention of the older. “More.”

On another day, Yifan would have sped up and began to earnestly fuck Yixing whatever way he liked but Yifan’s hand, still relatively lubricated from stretching Yixing out, moved to press at Yixing’s rim that was comfortably spread around Yifan’s cock with two fingers. The elder pulled out as far as he could without leaving Yixing and pushed back in with the fingers still there, Yixing groaned but Yifan couldn’t quite tell if it was one of pleasure or discomfort because it was muffled by the pillows.

But with no other reaction from the younger, Yifan began to thrust again, using his fingers to stretch Yixing more and more until he felt there was enough room for a third digit. The scene was one of the most lewd ones that Yifan had ever seen, and been a part of, and the fact that it was happening with Yixing was something Yifan couldn’t quite wrap his head around.

Yixing wanting to do such a thing was a strange notion, given that he was seventeen.

Yifan guessed that Yixing trusted him enough to experiment.

The elder continued to use his fingers to pry Yixing further open, he tried his hardest to ignore the extra pressure against his shaft, the fact that he could feel himself inside Yixing was a new and strange sensation but it _felt_ _heavenly_ on his cock. There was no way that he could resist the way that Yixing had begun to whimper and escalate that into quiet moans.

If he could compare the sounds that Yixing was making to the ones the man was making in the porn video, he would happily choose the ones Yixing made. They were so much more genuine and spoke of how Yixing’s pleasure was something that as an ever culminating motion and not something that was at a constant peak. It was so much more of a turn on to watch somebody crumble with every touch and turn.

Yifan’s fourth finger was when Yixing’s entire body went rigid, it immediately had Yifan stopping in every movement until Yixing turned his head to the side and spoke through a series of pants, “Move your fingers.”

Yifan did so, he was still inside Yixing sharing the space with the fingers on his hand and Yifan moved his digits around until they were primed to rub against Yixing’s prostate. The younger seemed appreciative of the change. Yifan wondered how the other felt under his ministrations and if it felt as good for Yixing as it was for Yifan to have the younger so full.

“I-I’m re-ready,” Yixing whispered and Yifan looked over at his face, ensuring that there wasn’t a sign of discomfort on it. When he was happy, he pulled his fingers out and picked up the light pink object Yixing had brought.

Yifan decided not to turn the vibrator on and pulled out until only the tip of his cock was in Yixing, then he pressed the end of the dildo against Yixing’s rim and edged it in as gently as he could. He slid back into Yixing at the same rate, stopping at short intervals to monitor the way Yixing’s face looked.

The elder was glad that the younger’s face had not yet changed from one with glassy, lustfilled eyes and parted lips. Yixing seemed set on remaining relaxed about the whole thing as Yifan could feel the way he fought clenching up around him. Yixing only groaned when Yifan and the dildo were fully seated within him. Yifan had to stay still to collect himself, he was half certain that any movement in such a tight space would have had him cum within a few thrusts. He had to wait for himself to adjust to the change.

“Are you okay?” He asked Yixing and the younger’s eyes remained unfocused and his attention elsewhere. “Yixing, are you okay?”

The younger’s eyes blinked and moved across to look up at Yifan’s eyes, “Full.”

Yifan nodded and massaged encouragingly at Yixing’s spine. The reaction he got was a slinking of the vertebrae beneath his hand and Yixing’s eyes widened as the vibrator shifted inside of him as a result. The shift in pressure had Yifan sighing out happily, the heat in his groin setting to a simmer and he gently pulled out of Yixing, the feeling of the slide of the dildo and Yixing’s walls on his cock was indescribable. There was pressure everywhere, all of it dragged along the sensitive skin of Yifan’s member and the bold vein that ran around it felt as though there was a thumb stroking slowly up it because the touch felt so purposeful.

Yifan’s mind went blank as he finally went inside Yixing again and the hand of his holding the vibrator inside of Yixing flicked the toy on and Yixing’s whole body shuddered with pleasure as he tried to moan out a slur of syllables that resembled Yifan’s name. The elder understood completely, as he was not as prepared as he should have been to have something vibrating against his dick and yet he was blindsided by the sensations it sent into his body like an earthquake.

With shaking hands, Yifan remained inside Yixing and used the vibrator to fuck him with, the both of them relishing in the way that the toy pleasured them both and Yixing’s hips began to move back against the dildo and Yifan’s free hand curled its fingers tightly on the younger’s pelvis to keep him grounded but Yifan knew he wouldn’t last much longer with the stimulation where it was.

It was then that he decided to pull both himself and the vibrator out of Yixing at the same time and push back in at a fast pace. The whole of Yixing’s body trembled beneath him and Yifan carried on like that. Yixing’s eyes were closed and his fingers were digging into the pillows, a display of how Yixing’s body was succumbing to the sensations and stimulations it was feeling. Yifan’s entire body was reacting in equal neediness as he began to fuck into the other as well as he could without hitting his peak or collapsing on himself.

The college student’s hand on Yixing’s hip released him and it moved around to the front of the other’s body, Yifan only had to hold and tug at Yixing’s cock a few times until he was spilling onto the top bedsheet. That had Yixing’s hole clenching up like a fist around Yifan and the elder came into the condom in hot spurts that had colour flashing behind Yifan’s eyelids. He felt it all over his body; his hands shook and his toes curled. The high that came with his orgasm wasn’t the short, temporary kind that had come when Yixing had jerked him off in previous nights but the type that lingered and left shudders in muscles for minutes afterwards

He pulled out, he took the vibrator out of Yixing and they both collapsed down onto the bed. They knew that they hadn’t lasted as long as they’d hoped but it was the first time they had ever done it, it was an experiment.

It took them a few minutes to catch their breaths back, Yixing’s body seemed a lot more boneless than Yifan’s and the younger looked at him with slowly shutting eyes. Once the taller could move around, he cleaned up the bed and went to the bathroom to toss away the two condoms that had been used. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do with the vibrator, so washed it and placed it in amongst Yixing’s things in the wardrobe. He couldn’t fight off sleep as he made his way back into bed, all of his muscles had begun to feel heavy and his eyes even more so.

He collected the barely conscious Yixing, who was obviously tired from the sex they’d had and a whole day of school and dance class before that, into his arms and bound their bodies together, completely uncaring of the mess on Yixing’s upper body. It was the perfect opportunity to take a shower together in the morning.

With a single kiss to Yixing’s lips, Yifan allowed himself to drift off to sleep and indulge in how Yixing’s nutmeg and ginger scent had grown stronger with his perspiration; it was a lullaby that didn’t need to be sung. Yixing’s deep breaths, relaxed body and warmth pulled Yifan further away from being awake and even closer to falling asleep until he had drifted off completely.

 

# ♠

 

“So, why are we out in the cold?” Kyungsoo sighed, his breath condensing over his scarf and Yifan couldn’t stop smiling. “And why are you so happy?”

“I’m looking for apartments to move into,” Yifan beamed, clutching a small bag of envelopes, each containing a key to different places.

“I didn’t know you wanted to move out,” his shorter friend hummed and shot Yifan a questioning look.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a little while,” Yifan admitted. “I want some space for myself to be with Yix- _whoever_ I want to be there.”

“So you want somewhere that you can regularly have sex with your seventeen year old younger brother’s best friend in?”

“I don’t know what you’re ta-”

“Yifan, I know for a fact that you’ve been dating Yixing for a few months now.”

“I don’t know what you’r-”

“I’ve known you for years, Yifan,” Kyungsoo said flatly. “I know you and I know that you’re with Yixing because I’ve _seen_ you.”

“What when?” Yifan’s eyes widened as Kyungsoo began to walk towards Yifan’s car.

“Late November, Yixing had a recital and you were backstage with your tongue in his throat,” his friend shrugged and Yifan’s stomach felt like it had dropped to the floor. “Don’t worry, I am sure I’m the only one who saw.”

“Oh,” Yifan bowed his head and trailed behind his friend to get into his car. “I’m sorry for keeping it a secret.”

“I don’t blame you for keeping it to yourselves, with the situation.”

“Yeah, I’m still sorry though.”

“It’s no big deal,” Kyungsoo dismissed and Yifan started the car. “What does he think about you moving out?”

“He doesn’t know yet.” Yifan watched as Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow. “I want it to be a surprise.”

“What if he doesn’t want you to move out?”

“We’ll work something out,” Yifan was confident in that fact, Yixing was mature and he was sure that he’d understand the elder’s need for his own space. “But he’ll always be welcome there, any time.”

They drove to and looked at the first apartment, Yifan liked it a lot but it felt a little cold. It was wide but sound didn’t carry well from to room to room, the flooring looked like they would easily scuff and the bathroom had twist taps, not lever ones.

“This place is very you, Yifan,” Kyungsoo aired as they walked out of it and Yifan had reeled off his doubts. “But you’re picking faults, why?”

“I’m going to be living there, I want to like it.”

“But you do like it, why are you finding minor reasons to hate it?” Kyungsoo didn’t even need Yifan to respond to know the answer, he clicked his teeth before saying. “Yixing will love anywhere you live because you’ll be there.”

“I know but I want him to like it, I want him to want to spend time in the apartment because he likes it too. It sounds stupid but his opinion means a lot to me,” Yifan put the key back into it’s envelope and Kyungsoo nodded. “I’m going to pick somewhere we can both like, and Luhan too.”

Kyungsoo snorted, “Luhan isn’t going to like your’s and Yixing’s little love nest, trust me. He won’t want to think about all the places in the apartment you’re going to have sex in.”

Yifan didn’t dignify his friend with a response but carried on driving to the next place. That apartment wasn’t much better but that time, it was because Yifan really hated it. The interior was dated and the ceilings were low enough that Yifan had to bend his neck to walk through a door, which wasn’t what he wanted for a place he wanted to settle in. Kyungsoo also believed that the place was outright garbage and clearly stated that he would never go to visit Yifan if he were to live there. Which Yifan thought was fair, he wouldn’t ever want to go to that apartment again either.

The third apartment, however, was perfect. It wasn’t far from his university or his parents’ house, even though it was around ten minutes longer in the car to get to his work. Not to mention the fact that it was spacious without feeling empty and Yifan could imagine Yixing in every corner of the apartment. The pace was perfect for playing the piano with how the acoustics of the apartment seemed to beg for more noise, the flooring was perfect for Yixing to practice his latest dance routines and it was as warm and inviting as Yixing was when Yifan saw him for the first time in a day. The whole place seemed like somewhere Yixing would revel and adore to live in and it was perfect for Yifan too. Everything had a more stylised edge to it and Yifan could see himself living happily there.

He also found himself thinking about Luhan liking it, his younger brother would definitely like it, given that his tastes tended to be a merging of both Yifan’s and Yixing’s. He would like all of the modernist twists on the living area and kitchen but would also like the space and warmth that Yixing did. He knew the place was perfect.

It was where he could see himself living alone, with his boyfriend and his brother visiting numerous times of the week.

The two friends still looked around the other apartments, just so that they were never left wondering but they both knew Yifan’s heart was set on the third one they had visited. Kyungsoo had voiced that Yifan hadn’t lit up at any other apartment than that one, that Yifan had once again begun to pluck excuses out of the sky to reason not wanting a certain apartment and that Yifan had kept the key to the third apartment in his pocket, almost as if he already lived there.

“Just talk to your parents, Luhan and Yixing about it before you do anything, okay?” Yifan nodded at Kyungsoo as he dropped him off at his house. “And please think about telling your family that you and Yixing are together, the longer you leave it the more people are going to get hurt by the secrets.”

 

 

# ♠

 

Yifan watched as Yixing opened the front door, welcoming his parents in and there was a renewed sense of nervousness to meeting Yixing’s mother and father, despite having met them numerous times when he was younger. But he hadn’t been romantically invested in their child then. No, he had seen himself as a platonic elder brother and they had praised him as somebody good for Yixing’s younger self. But as he stood in the hallway with sweating palms Yifan had numerous visions of every time Yixing had moaned, cried and whimpered his name in lust and want.

The college student gulped uncomfortably and rubbed his hands on his jeans, his body closing up as he realised that Yixing’s parents had no idea that Yifan had defiled their son so many times that he’d lost count. His heart beated harder as he bowed to Yixing’s father and the man smiled openly at him.

“Yifan, you’ve grown up so much,” he gasped and Yixing nodded bashfully.

“You didn’t say that he was this handsome, Xingie,” Yixing’s mother cooed, her hands both wrapping around his forearm before he could bow to her too. “You chose your _geges_ very well.”

“Yes,” Yixing nodded, his eyes not meeting Yifan’s when he spoke. “They’re the best _brothers_ I could have asked for.”

“Oh, you’re here,” Yifan’s mother called out and she fussed over their guests while Yifan tried to quash that heavy weight on his shoulders that had landed there after Yixing had uttered the word _brothers_. Yixing didn’t seem ready to look at Yifan either, so bypassed him in the hallway to follow after his parents.

Luhan looked at Yifan with scrutiny from the dining area and Yifan stalked towards the kitchen, his hand picked up one of the bottles of beer that had been icing on the counter and he drank a long gulp before his eyes automatically found Yixing again. The younger was staring idly with a frown on his lips and Yifan wanted to kiss him until he smiled again. Instead, he called Luhan over to go talk to Yixing while he went to the door to welcome the other guests they were going to have.

Luhan’s gaze changed slightly as Yifan excused himself but the elder didn’t stop to question it. Yifan concentrated on smiling at other guests before his mother called everybody to the table.

“Sit wherever you want,” Yifan’s father said and Yifan found that his chest grew warm when Yixing chose to sit beside him, like normal. Luhan decided to go opposite them, like normal, and Yifan relaxed into his seat once he’d sat down.

Yixing’s hand found Yifan’s palm and he found Yixing spelling out ‘ _抱歉_ ’ on it and Yifan immediately responded with a softly spelt out, ‘ _没关系_ ’. Yixing seemed to relax when he felt that and wrapped his hand up in Yifan’s, a gentle extension of his apology.

The rest of the night ran smoothly with Yixing’s parents at the table, as well as some of Yifan’s parents’ friends. There was no particular occasion other than the fact that they hadn’t had guests around for a long time. There was the odd comment that had Yixing’s fingers flinching in Yifan’s about how the three boys were great brothers for each other and Yifan tried his hardest to laugh them all off but it was a constant reminder that almost everybody who knew them saw he and Yixing as _brothers_. It was so glaringly obvious to Yifan that people found them to be like family and even treated them as if they were like flesh and blood to one another.

The jovial mood was dashed when Luhan made a comment about how Yifan and Yixing needed to get out and date otherwise people would think that they were together because of how close they were and almost every response from the table was that it would be wrong to ever consider the two of them dating because they were _brothers_. It made Yifan feel sick to his stomach and he could barely eat much of what was served on the table. Yixing, it seemed, couldn’t either.

In fact, Yixing looked as though he was going to burst into tears.

Going to bed was awkward and there was a sombre air to it, especially when Yixing practically flinched from Yifan’s touch when they first went under the duvet together.

“Now we know what people will think,” Yixing whispered into the darkness and Yifan looked across at him. “I don’t want to keep this a secret, I’m tired of the lying and hiding. I don’t think it’s fair to Han. He doesn’t want us to be together and neither do our parents. They looked repulsed at the idea like they would if we really were brothers.”

“I know,” Yifan sighed and he knew neither of them could live without their families approving of their relationship, not when they adored their parents and Luhan so much.

Yifan’s mind told him that he should end things with Yixing for the sake of his family but his heart, it was completely silent.

Yixing curled into Yifan’s side, as if he was shielding himself for something to come and Yifan couldn’t stop the instinctual urge to hold the younger closely, “I wish things were different.”

“I never wanted to hide you,” Yifan confessed. “I never wanted you to be somebody I kissed in the dark and when nobody else could see but with everybody set on seeing us for what we should be, _brothers_ , I don’t know how else we could be together.”

“Do you think we should break up?” Yixing whispered and Yifan realised that hearing the words hurt more than thinking them.

“Yeah,” he nodded while he clutched Yixing more tightly to his body. “Now might be a good time. I’ve been looking at apartments to move out into and that would be good to give us a little space, I don’t think it would be healthy to continue this way afterwards and the only way we’ll break out of that would be to have a little distance.”

Yifan hated how Yixing seemed to sob gently against his neck, the way he felt the tension of Yixing’s brown beneath his ear was a symbol of the tears the younger was trying to hold back, “Yeah.”

“This isn’t because I feel differently about you,” Yifan rolled them over to look into Yixing’s glassy eyes below him through his own slightly misty ones. “I still feel everything for you. Everything I’ve done and said to you has been true and will always be true, okay?”

“Me too,” Yixing’s words were weak and watery. Yifan kissed up the tears the younger released, his fingers lacing with Yixing’s below him until the younger’s lips chased Yifan’s mouth down.

It was a sad kiss, the kind that tasted of tinges of salt and heartbreak. Yifan’s body crumbled slightly as Yixing’s lips parted for his tongue to enter and nothing had ever hurt the twenty one year old more than that kiss. They were both waiting for the moment their hearts would crack and break with only the other, the source of that pain, as their sole comfort. It was like a countdown as Yixing’s breaths turned to complete sobs against Yifan’s tongue and the elder could only hold the younger’s hands as tightly as he could.

“It hurts,” Yixing muttered as they pulled away for a little air. “It hurts so much.”

“I know, I know,” Yifan kissed over Yixing’s cheeks, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” was the whispered response and Yifan nodded slightly. “We’re doing this because it’s right.”

The heavy but empty thought that they were breaking up because of Luhan. They couldn’t lose him or deal with the betrayal anymore, they loved the bright eyed boy too much.

“Don’t think that you can’t come to me anymore,” Yifan voiced his worry and Yixing held breath. “Anything you need, I’ll be waiting to be there for you. Anywhere you need me to follow you to, I’ll be waiting to go with you. Anytime you need somebody, I’ll be waiting to protect you.”

Yixing let the air in his lungs go, the hot air pushed on Yifan’s face but the elder didn’t care as his own small droplet tears fell onto Yixing’s cheeks, painting the younger in both of their sadness.

“Don’t let me go,” Yixing whimpered and Yifan shifted them again, changing them so that Yixing’s body was on top of his and he could hold him tightly so much better. “Please, I don’t want you to let me go yet.”

“I won’t,” Yifan assured. “Don’t let go of me either.”

Yixing’s fingers clung to Yifan’s shoulders tightly, tighter than they ever had before and Yifan didn’t know why there was no sharp pain in his chest yet, like his previous breakups. It confused him but he chalked it up to that part of him that always put Yixing first.

The younger was hurting, he needed Yifan and he needed to ensure that Yixing was okay before he ever let himself dwell on his own emotions for too long.

They kissed over and over, the air of finality to them had Yixing’s hold on Yifan loosening until he was asleep, until his crying was only soft whimpers in his slumber. Yifan watched over Yixing until light began to flood into the room, the shadows of the buildings across the street beamed in and turned everything a bleary grey colour. His eyes stung, not just with tears but tiredness too. Yifan gently placed Yixing down on the mattress, crept out of the bed and sat at his desk to stare blankly at the wall until his mother appeared in the door frame to tell him that he was going to be late for work if he loitered around any longer. Yifan couldn’t even take a glance at the mound huddled under his duvet while he dressed himself but that didn’t mean that his fingers didn’t shake as if they were longing for a smaller hand to hold.

 

# ♠

 

Yifan moved out barely a week later into the third apartment he had looked at, Yixing had stayed in Luhan’s room but they pretended like everything was fine in front of everybody else. Every touch Yixing left on Yifan’s skin burned like a white hot iron brand, every time their eyes met Yifan only saw the openly raw ones from the last night they’d spent together and every second Yifan watched Yixing for made him long even more for the other.

He threw himself into moving, into studying, into working and into playing basketball. He was off centre for the first few days, distracted by bleary eyes and sleepless nights, but exhaustion soon took over and he slept for longer than he ever had at night. Yifan replaced the molten feelings of affection in his stomach with stress. At times, he would purposely mess up to feel something because it was numb, almost as if his heart didn’t exist or had never existed in the first place. Or maybe he’d already given it away to a sobbing seventeen year old.

He didn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trans:  
> 抱歉 - I'm sorry (the regretful kind of sorry)  
> 没关系 - It's all right/It's nothing
> 
>  
> 
> I am sorry this took so long to write, I lost a lot of inspiration and motivation for this fic recently (any body who follows my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowarctic) probably saw all the whining) and I have got my mojo back a little with this part. 
> 
> I hope you like it and please don't kill me for how this part ends.


	5. Zenith, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adulthood, 1/2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part is also being split into two. The warnings are in the tags.
> 
> I hope you can forgive me for leaving almost a year between updates, I don't know where all that time went.

Yixing lifted the wet towel from the back of the sofa and groaned loudly, Luhan had absolutely no idea how to clean up after himself and that left it to Yixing to be the one who kept their apartment livable. He was the only one out of the two of them who know how to tidy as he went along, rather than leaving it to amass everywhere and do one big clean. It was easier to spend ten minutes a day making sure things were rightfully placed rather than waste an entire day on it. He put the towel into the laundry bag and shuffled off to their small kitchen.

"Lu," Yixing called out, making the older boy turn around to look at him. "What are your plans for today?"

Luhan shuffled on his feet before running his hand through his hair. " _Ge_ is coming over."

Yixing pretended that his heart didn't skitter at the mere idea of Yifan being near, he had become a natural at suppressing any kind of emotion that related to Yifan in the years since their break-up. A break-up Luhan had found out about over a year later. Yixing had expected him to be angry, to react strongly to the thought of Yifan and Yixing being together but he apologised to Yixing instead. He held the younger boy in his arms and apologised. For what? Yixing never knew. But Luhan had, as anybody rightly would, asked Yixing if his older brother had taken advantage of him, if Yifan had coerced Yixing into something he may not have completely wanted and Yixing could easily say no. Yifan hadn't once pressured him for anything.

"He's bringing his girlfriend with him."

"Do I need to run to the store to buy anything to cook?" Yixing's little finger twitched at his side. "I can bake a cake, maybe?"

"I told _gege_ that you might be busy today," Luhan turned to the cupboard and took a glass out, placing it on the side before leaning down to open their small fridge to pull some milk out.

"Why? I'm free all day," Yixing's head tilted to the side while he began to lean on the wall.

"Just in case you don't want to see her."

"You're acting like Yifan hasn't been with her for like two years. I've met her plenty of times, why would I still be bitter over it?" Yixing's finger twitched again at his side.

"Because you're still in love with my brother," Luhan turned to look at Yixing with an eyebrow raised. "You broke up four years ago and you've not been in a relationship since."

"I'm twenty-one, why do I need a relationship to be able to prove that I'm over somebody? And anyway, it's a scientific fact that it takes roughly eighteen months to get over somebody. I've got well over that amount, I think I'm fine."

"But you don't even date, you come home or you go to work," Luhan argued, his whole body twisting to face Yixing. "You can't say you're not bothered by any of this."

Yixing rolled his eyes and moved across the room towards his friend, Luhan was frowning and Yixing couldn't help but smile sadly at his best friend. Luhan had been furious when Yifan told them that he had a girlfriend, Yixing had accepted it like he had with every other one of Yifan's relationships but Luhan couldn't seem to let it go.

"I appreciate that you're worried about my feelings but I'm fine, really," Yixing smiled a little wider at the words. " _Ge's_ girlfriend is good for him, she's what he needs and we should be happy for him."

"I know, she's a really great person and that makes it worse somehow. I can't even hate her," Luhan huffed, leaning his weight onto Yixing and the younger kissed his head softly.

"Your brother does have good taste," Yixing laughed as he pulled back. "He did date me, after all."

"And everything since has been a downgrade," Luhan smiled, pinching Yixing's cheek lightly before returning to his drink.

"You're definitely biased," Yixing chuckled as he made his way towards the bathroom.

"Where are you going?"

"To shower," Yixing called back, turning on the shower before stripping off.

"I'll tell _ge_ you'll be out then," Luhan shouted and Yixing smiled to himself. "I'll text you when he's leaving."

Yixing was happy that he had Luhan, despite the rocky patches in their teenage years, he'd come to rely on Yifan a little less and Luhan a little more. They'd become closer, as a result, Luhan was everything Yixing had needed to get through his time without Yifan. He was the person who cuddled Yixing at night after Yifan had moved out of his parents' house, he was the one who had helped to mould Yixing into somebody who could genuinely smile again and he was the one who Yixing whined to when he had a bad day. Yixing knew that he'd neglected Luhan often and he tried his best to repay him for sticking at his side by never forgetting who is best friend was.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing heard the front door open but didn't look up from where he was studying on the floor, Luhan had been walking in and out of the apartment all day and Yixing had long since learnt how to block out the noises of the lock turning in its place.

"You know, I'd say you've been avoiding me," the voice that was not Luhan's made Yixing's body contract with fright and he turned around with wide eyes.

"You almost gave me a heart attack," Yixing gasped out, he took in how Yifan looked with his fitted shirt and expensive jeans before focusing on the words in front of him again.

"But seriously, are you avoiding me?" Yifan walked into the room and Yixing shook his head. "Oh, good."

"Studying has been killing me," Yixing shrugged and he felt Yifan sit down next to him with their knees almost touching. That alone was enough to make Yixing want to shuffle away from his elder.

"Anything I can help with?"

"Unless you know anything about composing music, or majored in Piano Performance, then I don't think you can," Yixing mumbled and Yifan huffed out, he was just close enough for Yixing to feel the exhale on his cheek.

"Have you thought about talking to Ziyi, if you get stuck?" Yifan queried.

"Yeah, she's a little busy and all with her baby but she's meeting with me next week to go over some things. I really need to work on making my performances emotional, I don't ever seem to connect with those listening to what I play and it's frustrating."

"I can always feel things in response to what you play, I don't get what you're saying," Yifan's words made Yixing's eyes water a little bit, he didn't want to know that Yifan reacted emotionally to the things he played on the piano. He didn't want to know that because it hurt to know that.

"But you know me," Yixing sighed out after he'd composed himself a little bit more. "I need to have that connection with strangers, not just those who have known me since I was six."

"Maybe you need to go out and meet some new people then?" Yifan suggested and Yixing could sense the short speech coming before it happened. "Han tells me you don't really go out anywhere in your free time, he says you spend almost every waking hour here, at school or at work and you're not fulfilling yourself by doing that. You've got the same exact friends you've had since you were in high school and you're not meeting anybody new. I don't want you to think that I'm trying to dictate your life to you because I was a little like you when I was in school, but I still tried to go out and make new friends. How can you think that you can create that connection with a stranger if you don't interact with strangers?"

"I know, it's more that I don't want to _meet_ people right now," Yixing was pouting and Yifan was smiling at him, there was half an ounce of affection in his eyes that Yixing found shot a bolt of adrenaline to his heart.

Yifan's phone vibrated loudly, making them break their short moment and Yixing returned to his studying as best as he could with Yifan's phone going without the elder answering it.

"You do realise you're supposed to pick up a phone when it rings?"

"Yeah but I want to spend some time with you, she can wait until I've made sure that you're not avoiding me," Yifan's hand rubbed at the Yixing's nape and the younger hated how instinctively he leant into the touch instead of pulling out of it.

"How are things with you and Nuan-jie?" Yixing asked, the polite part of him begging him to and that little masochistic part of his heart echoing the noise.

"The usual," Yifan shrugged. "She wants us to move in together though."

"And you don't want to...?" Yixing peered around at Yifan, looking at him from the corner of his eyes.

"It's a big step-"

"-You've been dating for, like, two years."

"-and she doesn't like my apartment-"

"-You can easily afford to move."

"But I don't want to move," Yifan snapped harshly and Yixing took that opportunity to move away from the other.

"I was only saying," Yixing muttered in his own defence, not liking the sharp edge to Yifan's eyes. "You've been living there for years and, don't get me wrong because I really love your apartment, I think it's time to move on. You can't let an apartment get in the way of your relationship. You'd need a bigger place for when you guys want a family, anyway."

"A family? Yixing, I don't even know if I want to move in with the girl, why are you talking about me having a family?" Yifan didn't look frustrated or angry anymore, his expression had morphed into something halfway between shock and confusion.

"Don't you date somebody for two years because you think you're going to end up marrying them?"

Yifan cleared his throat and gave Yixing a small albeit awkward smile before nodding. Yixing beamed at him then, as painful as it was to hear Yifan agree with that, he couldn't show it. He knew he had to stay supportive of Yifan, it was his duty to ensure that Yifan stayed happy.

"You and jiejie are good together, you can't give that up over an apartment you've had since you were twenty-one."

Yixing went back to working and Yifan answered his phone after it had rung for the third time, he excused himself from the room and Yixing could only hear the timbre of Yifan's voice, not the words through the shut living room door. He didn't want to think about what was being said, he couldn't bring his heart around to listen whenever Yifan spoke alone with his girlfriend. No matter how much he thought he had moved on, he knew that he would probably never get over Yifan. Not with how their relationship ended.

Yifan took his leave shortly after then, only ruffling Yixing's hair as a goodbye and Yixing smiled as widely as he could, showcasing his dimple. He liked the way Yifan's gaze always flickered to it whenever it appeared, it made him feel like the dent in his cheek was something to be admired.

No more studying happened as the day wore on, Yixing was verging on being despondent as his mind raced with thoughts of Yifan dating his girlfriend to marry her one day. It shouldn't have made Yixing's hands shake as he bit the insides of his mouth to keep himself from crying. It was almost nine at night when Luhan came into the apartment again, he was smiling in a jovial way until he saw Yixing sat amongst the scattered papers and Yixing couldn't stop the sob, that left his mouth as soon as he saw his best friend.

Luhan was at his side in moments, his arms were around Yixing's body as he cried uncontrollably onto his best friend's shoulder. Luhan's hand weaved into the spot of hair that Yifan had played with earlier that day, which made Yixing's eyes flood with more tears and Luhan rocked him back and forth to soothe him on the floor.

"What's wrong?" Luhan whispered into his ear, that only made the pain in Yixing's chest worse. Normally it was just a dull ache, something he could ignore if he pretended enough. Yet, the stitches on his wound had been unpicked by Yifan's words and the break in his heart had been pried apart by Yixing's wallowing.

"He-he," Yixing whimpered, "he wa-wants t-to marr-ry her."

Luhan's arms tightened around Yixing's body, he whispered reassurances into Yixing's ears but he couldn't hear any of them. They only seemed to worsen how he felt, Luhan couldn't do anything to stop what Yifan wanted and Yixing couldn't either. Yixing had thought breaking up with Yifan had been the most painful thing to happen to him but, when his chest burned with that much pain, he doubted that very thought. It was as if his heart was torn out then ripped apart in front of him. It hurt so much, he didn't want to be in pain and it felt like he was dying.

He was sure he was going to pass out, the emotions and thoughts had twisted up inside him that much. There was nothing he could really compare it to. Nothing at all.

Luhan coaxed him off the floor, ushered him into the bedroom and laid him out on a soft surface. Yixing couldn’t feel his toes. The entire form of his body was numbing, much like it had on the nights where Yifan had told Yixing about his girlfriend and when Yixing met her. It should not have been a familiar feeling but he had always felt intensely about Yifan, so his reactions were always going to portray that.

He relaxed a little when he felt the arms of Luhan go around him, he was tucked under Luhan’s chin and a blanket of safety instantly. It felt nothing like when Yifan did it. The size difference alone separated them. But different didn’t mean bad. Yixing often needed platonic love to heal some of his deeper wounds and Luhan was the greatest person for the job. His body, while not much larger than Yixing’s, had a warmth to it that nothing could emulate and it helped Yixing feel a homeliness he had been missing across the months.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing hadn’t been fearful of dating, he had been on a few disastrous outings that often led to nothing but gentle rejection or a quick one-night stand. It had been hard, evidently so, for Yixing to come to terms with the fact that his first love — Luhan would argue that it was his _only_ love — could move on. Yifan was special to Yixing, he was the puzzle piece that the younger had always wished would complete him and that left him stranded instead.

He had nowhere to go, nothing to do but hide under his own emotions and let them consume him entirely.

The university student persevered in avoiding Yifan, he wanted the elder at arm’s length and he needed him to stay at that distance. It was painful, especially during the lapses when they’d find their way together like magnets. Yixing was always invited to family dinners at the Wu household, he often skipped out on them through fear of spending the evening with Yifan but then there were the unavoidable times. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, western new year. Any event they were at together, Yixing crumbled a little more.

The last time, the worst time, had been when Yixing had drunk a little. Not too much, but enough. Yifan had been there, he’d been so close all Yixing could sense around him was ginseng and black pepper. It had been addictive, to say the least. Yifan had brushed his finger across Yixing’s cheek and the younger was certain the elder’s eyes were glued to his lips. They’d begun to drift together, uncaring of the world around them and of the fact that Yifan’s girlfriend was on the other side of the wall, sat in the living room with Yifan’s parents. It had been Luhan who’d found them, they were still far enough away that the closeness between them couldn’t be misconstrued, but only if somebody didn’t know the history between them. But, Luhan did, he knew it all. And the slowly closing gap between them was more than enough to make him interject.

Yixing had felt sick for the journey back to his and Luhan’s apartment, especially with Yifan and Nuan sat in the front seats, leaving Yixing with a clear view of their interlocked hands and Nuan loozing back at Yifan with an expression that made him want to vomit. Luhan was always there, his thumb brushing comfortingly over the back of Yixing’s hand and the youngest of them all just wanted to cry. He would fix his gaze outside of the car, counting the streetlights they passed by, holding his breath between traffic lights and resting his head against the freezing cold glass.

He’d always sleep in with Luhan on those nights, held by his best friend as the confirmation that everything was actually over with Yifan struck him anew.

After Yifan’s last visit, Luhan had made the executive decision that he’d create Yixing a few internet dating profiles. It was safe to say, Yixing had been more than hesitant to put himself out there like that, when he had barely recovered from a relationship he’d had at seventeen. Luhan explained it was all about moving on, growing up away from the weight of loving Yifan and Yixing accepted with a nervous nod. He was surprised, probably closer to shocked, at how much attention he managed to garner in such a short period of time.

His mailbox was a constant turnover of men, and some women, asking about him. There were often lewd messages, sent with images and Yixing often took screenshots on his phone to send to Luhan whenever they weren’t looking at them together. If nothing serious came of it, Yixing found delight in the sexual desperation some men had. Like with anything else, a few were persistent and Yixing was thankful for the blocking button, especially when things grew to borderline on being creepy.

There were only a few men that properly caught Yixing’s eye, messages were exchanged back and forth a few times but Yixing always chickened out whenever anybody mentioned meeting. Yixing called it not being ready. Luhan called it avoidance.

It took almost two months of using dating sites for Yixing to finally agree to meet up with somebody, he was nervous but Luhan had assured him he was ready, that he had been ready for a long time. Yixing wished he had that confidence in himself, so he soaked it up from his roommate and got ready to meet the man he was to go on a date with.

To label the meeting a disaster was an understatement for Yixing, he had swiftly learnt that people who were interesting online could be utter bores in real life. Yixing understood that people would be nervous or jittery on their first dates, often panic-oversharing the dullest things until some interest was struck within the mundane. The student, however, was fully aware that listening to a man talk about his alternative modelling, along with photos taken straight from a portfolio, for two hours had his teeth grinding. It wasn’t even just boredom either, the man didn’t even bother to ask Yixing about his life.

He’d had such an awful time that when Luhan later asked if he would have preferred to stay in and watch Yifan with his girlfriend or endure a second date, Yixing chose the former. That’s how Luhan saw the gravity of Yixing’s awful date.

What made it worse was that Luhan had told Yifan about the date. The younger Wu had mentioned something about it maybe sparking up some jealousy in Yifan to see Yixing getting out there to meet new people. Luhan wanted to show Yifan that Yixing was slowly becoming unattainable because he was moving on, and that tiny masochistic part of Yixing wanted thad reaction from Yifan, too. He wanted Yifan to tell him not to date, that there was something still between them. It was backwards, Yixing was fully aware of that.

It wasn’t like he would have obeyed Yifan in any way, yet, he wanted to hear those words. He wanted Yifan to feel the covetous jealousy that Yixing had kept locked away in his chest. Yixing, in his more sadistic half, willed for Yifan to hurt like he had for years. He hated himself for being so bitter, for wishing to inflict that pain on somebody he cared for dearly, and still, he pleaded in his mind for Yifan to feel even a fractal of what he did.

Alas, life never fit for Yixing.

Yifan was perfectly fine, completely flawless in everything he did and not a single flash of want appeared in his eyes when he asked Yixing how his date had gone. To make matters worse, Yixing had to sit under the scrutiny of Nuan in his own apartment. She sat next to Yifan, pressing to his side and playing with his hair. In fairness, Yixing hadn’t noted it, but Luhan sent him a quick text from where he sat in the living room, pointing out how predatorily possessive she looked beside her boyfriend.

Once he had been shown, he couldn’t see anything else. Yixing’s followed Nuan’s hands on Yifan’s thighs, her mouth whispering into his ear and her feet rubbing at his calves. Yixing didn’t want the green monster within him to churn and shift, though, he could feel it rubbing on his insides and creeping up his neck.

Yixing didn’t even answer Yifan’s question, he was too fixed on the dark eyes that stared back at him. Nuan, for some reason, was challenging Yixing. Her gaze was fierce, flame-filled and frightening. The younger was certain that he had been nothing but gracious to her, that he’d welcomed her and even introduced himself as Yifan’s little brother all those months ago. Through those pricking needles and fingernails digging into his heart, through the crying in the dead of night when he was certain that Luhan was sleeping, he’d been nothing short of accepting.

No more, no less, she regarded Yixing like she was poised like a coiled snake to attack. It unnerved him.

Yifan, as oblivious as ever, knew nothing of the scowl being thrown from one side of the room and Luhan had to try to break the tension by employing as many conversation topics as he could.

Nuan didn’t leave Yifan’s side and Yixing could bear with it for an hour and a half until he cracked, he stood up and practically sprinted out of the room to the kitchen. He closed the door, begging for some privacy to approach the sink and was his face with the cold running water. He splashed it on his cheeks for the evanescent relief that went hand-in-hand with cold shock.

There was a light tap on the door and Yixing supported his weight on the counter with his hands, his head bowed slightly as he tried gentle breathing exercises.

“Go away, Lu. I’m fine.”

The door opened and Yixing turned to snap at his roommate but was struck still when he saw Yifan approach him. The elder made a momentary detour to grab a kitchen towel before stepping into touching distance of Yixing. A large hand moved Yixing’s face from side to side whilst the other dabbed the fresh water away with the cloth, Yixing’s heart hammered and he wanted to stop the world.

“Are you okay?” Yifan’s voice was a whisper, much like the feeling of his hands on Yixing’s skin as he pulled away.

Yixing plastered what he hoped to be a reassuring smile on his face before nodding. “Like I said, I’m fine.”

Yifan’s thumb moved to the edge of the younger’s mouth and pulled his smile down.

“I can see right through you, Zhang Yixing,” Yifan rested his other hand on Yixing’s shoulder. “You may be able to fool my brother, but I know when something is wrong with you. Was it the date? You didn’t answer my question when I asked you about it earlier. And, Luhan seemed really vague when he told me it hadn’t gone well, but now I’m worried, did something happen to you?”

Yixing hated how serious Yifan’s face had gone, it triggered flashing memories of how Yifan would stare at him in the mornings prior to kissing him. Yixing merely shook his head, answering the questions and clearing the sight from his mind. He did not need to think about Yifan kissing him. Or, Yifan loving him.

“You would tell me, though, wouldn’t you? If something had happened.”

It was never something Yixing had considered, he rarely ran to Yifan with his problems anymore and they were both fully aware of that. Yixing wanted to say _yes,_ to be honest with himself that he did still need Yifan to be there for him. He wanted to say _no,_ so he could finally show that he’d grown up and that not everything could be fixed by Yifan. He wanted to say that he _didn’t know,_ because that was the most truthful option.

He didn’t know if Yifan would be there for him if he needed him, he didn’t know if he’d matured past the point of needing Yifan and he didn’t know if he could bring himself to tell Yifan anything.

For the sake of the panic in Yifan’s eyes, Yixing pressed into the palm that had moved across to his cheek, and spoke an answer he hadn’t thought about: “Of course.”

Yifan nodded once and withdrew his hands from Yixing, right before the sounds of feet in the hallway could be heard in the kitchen and Nuan popped her head around the doorframe.

“I thought you came in for a glass of water, what’s taking you so long?” She wasn’t actually asking Yifan anything, it was her silent command for Yifan to hurry up and go back to the living room. Yifan muttered something about there being more important things to deal with and Nuan’s eyes narrowed in on Yixing, like he’d done something wrong. “What could take precedence over you rehydrating when you’re hungover?"

“I am not hungover,” Yifan groaned, rubbing his forehead like Nuan was the source of headache. Not the hangover Yixing knew nothing of.

“You vomited this morning after being out all night with your friends,” her eyes burned into Yixing deeper, making him squirm. “You are hungover.”

Yifan opened his mouth to argue back but appeared to decide against that, in favour of leaning around Yixing to get a glass out of the overhead cupboard. Yixing took the cup from him and poured him a glass from Luhan’s filter jug behind him. He handed the cup back to Yifan and shot him a small smile.

“Do you need an Aspirin or anything?” Yixing offered, gesturing towards the cupboard they kept medicine and herbal remedies in.

“I don’t have a hangover,” Yifan told him, his voice that octave lower that made everything he said be processed softly by Yixing's brain. It was tearing Yixing’s heart up to hear it, he didn’t want to listen if Yifan spoke like that.

“It’s okay, you only have to tell me once,” Yixing smiled through the pain in his chest and it was worth it, the explosion of emotional anguish all became worth it, because Yifan smiled back. All his teeth, the band of gum and his rounded cheeks. The only thought in Yixing’s head was of moments when Yifan would beam at him after they’d kissed, he felt choked up by the sight and looked away first.

“Why can’t everybody be like you?” Yifan whispered as put the glass to his lips, he drank all the water down before placing the cup in the sink to Yixing’s side.

The younger’s heart was racing, despising how hearing that made him feel under all the torment of watching Nuan slip her hand into Yifan’s to lead him back to the lounge. Once they’d both gone, Yixing gripped the countertop and let his head fall again, numbing weakness ebbing into his muscles as he supported himself on the side. Still, his heart thundered on under the muttered compliment he’d received from Yifan.

He knew he was pathetic, being worked up over another man and in such a state that it seemed to ruin everything else around him. Yixing wanted freedom and independence from everything that tethered his heart to Yifan, he didn’t want to feel like he was in love on his own. Although, every other part of him seemed intent on remaining fixed on Yifan, as if there was hope still there.

Yixing bypassed the living area as he walked back down the corridor, not liking how he could hear Nuan fussing over Yifan in an overly obnoxious way. It felt like she was flaunting, it was as if Yifan had told her everything about Yixing and what they’d had, and Yixing pleaded within himself that Yifan hadn’t shared the details of their relationship with her. The only other person Yixing had ever told was Luhan, Yixing knew that Kyungsoo had been told about it and he wanted it to stay that way.

It was, however, the realisation that if Yifan had been thinking about starting a future, a family, with Nuan, then the chances were that he had told her. It made Yixing feel like he was going to vomit, all the food he’d eaten that day became volatile in his stomach and he beelined straight for his bed. He climbed across the mattress, pulled back the duvet and hid himself under it.

The pain in his abdomen was enough to keep the tears away, the queasiness in his mind told him that everything he could feel was plunged into a lake of affliction.

He knew that hurting was part of the process of letting go, yet it was too much. All Yixing could consider was that if it was too torturous then surely that would mean something? What it was, he didn’t know. Heartbreak ate away at him like maggots on a carcass, it was festering. If he left it too long, it would consume him, but if he rid himself of it, he still wouldn’t be complete. There was no choice that didn’t tear him apart, he was reaching for nothing and stomaching even less in that moment.

Yixing was halfway to being resolute, his fingers curled into his pillow and he tried to breathe out in a set rhythm. Yixing wanted to sleep. But that as it may, his door opened with a muted click. Footsteps drifted over the floor, Yixing’s bed dipped slightly, and there it was, a gentle hand carding through his hair in a barely there manner. His heart stopped almost completely in his chest. It was revived like a bolt of electricity in his body when a pair of lips kissed at the tip of his eyebrow.

As soon as it was there, it was gone. As was the hand. As was the person. It was Yixing, alone, with his gut punched through.

 

# ♤

 

Luhan didn’t let Yixing give up with the internet dating, he had even managed to get their other friends involved as they scoured Yixing’s online account looking for guys that Yixing could approach. Yixing should have focused on it more, much like everybody else was. Yet, all he could think about was the one-sided interaction he’d had with Yifan. His brow tingled where Yifan’s lips had laid and he knew there was likely to be no romance in the action, Yifan had left with Nuan not too long afterwards, but still, Yixing clawed to hold onto the feeling.

It wasn’t like Luhan didn’t notice the shift in his roommate, so quickly their cute days out turned into Luhan ditching Yixing for a surprise date. Most often, the guys were decent. They dressed well, they asked Yixing about his studies and they were all stuffed full of everything Yixing could be attracted to. Yet, it was small things. They weren’t tall enough. Their hands weren’t coarse, or soft, enough. Their voice wasn’t low enough. Their voices weren't gentle enough. They didn’t make him laugh enough. Nothing was _enough_.

No one thing could possibly compare.

In a very Luhan-esque manner, he supplied Yixing with person upon person to get into contact with in the hopes Yixing would be awed by at least one of them. It was a never ending assault, and pretty soon, they had all merged into one in Yixing’s head. When Luhan said Hongqi, Yixing wasn’t sure if that was the one with the badly cut hair or the fingernails that were so dirty Yixing had mistaken the man’s little finger for a worm. When he said Weimin, Yixing was sure it was the one who spat whilst he spoke then he remembered the man who had ordered a vodka martini at ten in the morning. It was hopeless, Yixing couldn’t pick any of them out because they weren’t somebody else.

Socialising so much took its toll on Yixing’s body, leaving his back aching and his eyes heavy as he ran his fingers over piano keys. Luhan knew that Yixing couldn’t meet anybody else new without his body completely giving out, due to the boredom he had suffered with during his dates.

Yixing dressed smartly every morning, as he was partly hopeful that he would manage to discover a person who could make him forget everything. That wishful echo was dashed by the booming of his heart whenever his phone lit up with Yifan’s name, leaving him in limbo all over again. His jeans fit his legs, his top wasn’t a cut up t-shirt and his hair was styled, not just straightened.

With his exhaustion at an all time high, he wasn’t sure what to think when Luhan guided him through a bustling café one morning and Yixing saw exactly who they were headed towards.

“Him? Really?” Yixing found him whispering into his best friend’s ear with a sharp hiss. “Out of the near seven and a half billion people in this world, _him?”_

“Hey,” Luhan furrowed his eyebrows, “you were the one who dated him, not once, but twice.”

“That asshole dumped me.”

“So did my brother, but that’s not stopping you from wanting to be with him,” Luhan glanced at Yixing, who pouted as he was pulled over with more force than he thought Luhan had.

“For the record,” Yixing shot at his best friend, “I was the one who brought up breaking up with Yifan. Not the other way around.”

Luhan ignored him in favour of pushing Yixing straight into the chair that had been pulled out for him, leading to Yixing hide his face down as people turned to look at him.

“Yixing,” a voice, slightly deeper than he could recall, greeted him and he looked up for a quick moment.

Fumbling to sit down as Luhan pushed his shoulders, Yixing ground his teeth until he was firmly on the chair and had been released by his best friend. He was alone with his ex-boyfriend, Yixing wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

Favouring neither, he took a breath deep into his lungs to hold for half a second before releasing it. “Zixin, nice to see you.”

“Likewise,” the other nodded his head and Yixing peered over his shoulder to scout out his best friend. When nothing came of his short search, he turned back to Zixin with a forced smile. “I was shocked when I got the call from Luhan asking me to meet you. Considering the last time I spoke to him, he punched me three times in the face. Not to mention the fact that I thought you’d never want to see me again.”

“I didn’t,” Yixing looked down at his jeans, rubbing his hands on them prior to lifting his head up again. “I was somewhat forced to come.”

“But you’re not dressed like, well, you.” Zixin smiled, his mouth sharp around his thinner than desirable lips. “You must have been expecting to meet somebody, surely.”

“Uh,” Yixing blinked a few times, preparing himself for the embarrassment that would tumble out with his next words. “Luhan has been sending me on these little outings to help me get over the person I dated last.”

Zixin perked up. “Oh, really?”

Yixing shrugged his shoulders, twiddling his fingers and noting how Zixin looked almost identical to when they were teenagers. His hair was over-gelled to the point where it looked wet, his skin had the odd acne pock and his arms were still weirdly long for his height. Other than his hair issues, they weren’t things Yixing could knock, as he knew Zixin had no control over them, so he grit his teeth and tried to spark up a conversation.

After sitting with Zixin, Yixing could remember why he’d liked the other so much to date him the times that he had. Zixin was passionate above all else, Yixing could remember being in amazement over how much will the other had and he guessed they bonded over that. It was no surprise to find that the other was studying politics at university, apparently, his parents had encouraged him into working for the government before leaving to turn his hand to business

Equally, he asked Yixing about his music, about Ziyi, and even a little about Luhan. The one subject they both avoided was Yifan, given that it was how Yixing acted with the elder that had driven Zixin to break up with him. As an adult, and with the polished looking glass of hindsight, Yixing could see why somebody, especially a boyfriend, would take offence to know that his boyfriend spent almost every night in another’s bed. Even if it was innocent. Yixing, though, was glad for the reprieve of talking about Yifan and focus on something different.

Maybe, Yixing considered, that had been the allure of Zixin in the first place. He brought short periods of sanctuary for Yixing’s heart, not that Zixin affected him nearly as much as Yifan did. The only comparison Yixing could draw was that Zixin was loud enough to cover the noise. But Yifan, he silenced everything until there was nothing left but him in Yixing’s world. That was the difference, one was a temporary solution to what the other could fix in its entirety.

It was that very factor that made Zixin great for Yixing’s gradual recovery, he would drown everything out for Yixing’s heart to stitch itself back into one piece.

“The thing is, Yixing,” Zixin leant on the table, his hands folded under his chin. “I’m coming out of a pretty long relationship myself and I don’t want to jump into something else straight away. If you want, we could keep things casual until we’re both ready?”

Yixing nibbled his lip. “I don’t really know what that means.”

“Something like friends with benefits, but with a few of the strings attached. You know, dates, holding hands and whatever. Just no titles and no complete commitment just yet.”

“Ah,” Yixing nodded his head. It sounded like it could work out, that it would be that little push that he needed to veer him away from the path he took towards Yifan. "A relationship that's not exclusive?"

Zixin grinned, "Exactly."

 

# ♤

 

"You were out late," Luhan smirked, jumping down from the work surface. "Have fun with somebody?"

"I thought you'd be asleep," Yixing didn't look at Luhan as he walked to the refrigerator, plucking out a bottle of water. "You have classes tomorrow, right?"

"Couldn't sleep with you out of here," Luhan shrugged and grumbled, nudging Yixing's back. Luhan laughed shortly. "Rather, I wasn't allowed to sleep until you came back."

"What does that mean?" Yixing finally looked at his roommate.

"Nothing," Luhan left the room. "Still, those swollen lips do answer my question about whether or not you had fun... Night, Xing. I'll be sleeping now, don't be too noisy getting ready for bed."

Yixing rolled his eyes and made sure to clang some metal pans together as he put away the utensils Luhan had obviously used to make his dinner. He heard something get thrown against Luhan's bedroom wall and just laughed the whole way back to his bed.

 

# ♤

 

"You were happy the other night," Luhan said over coffee as Yixing flustered over some music sheets. "It was nice. You haven't smiled like that in a while."

"Yeah, it was great to catch up with Zixin," Yixing's head bobbed.

"Do you plan on meeting him again?" Luhan pried, placing his cup back down on the saucer it had been brought to them on.

Yixing shrugged his shoulders, "We're keeping things casual. He just got out of a relationship...I think we're taking things slow."

"Is making out on the first date _'taking things slow'_?"

"Let's call it... _reconnecting_." Yixing giggled a little, enjoying how Luhan's cheeks pinked. "Zixin, he's a bit different to how he used to be."

Yixing jotted more notes down on his sheet, erasing a few when they didn't work with the chords he'd scribbled on earlier. He'd needed a selection of compositions to try at his piano before his class.

"Less of an ass?" Luhan spoke with a tremor of hope. "You know, one that won't blow up at you like he did before?"

"I think so," Yixing let a small smile tug up at his lips. "He was more thoughtful and actually listened. And he was far less handsy than he used to be."

"You mean less horny than he was when he was sixteen? Huh, imagine that, a man of twenty-one not thinking like a teenager..."

Yixing laughed, chuckling as Luhan continued to tease him about his interaction with his ex-boyfriend and Yixing didn't feel the clenching in his chest as strongly as he did a week before. Still, Yifan lingered, prodding in the back of his mind, an ever-present figure.

"Does he know?" Yixing muttered, silencing Luhan with those three words.

"I haven't talked to him since before your date with Zixin," Luhan admitted, alleviating the strain on Yixing's shoulders. "I didn't think you'd want him to know the ins-and-outs of everything. I let him know you had a date, just not about who it was with or how late you stayed out."

"Thank you," Yixing was completely sincere and Luhan shot him a closed-mouth and thin-lipped smile. "I don't know if I want him to know just yet, even if this thing with Zixin is just casual."

"You should tell him, though," Luhan prodded, making Yixing tip his head to the left. "I'd love to see how he reacts."

It was Yixing who dismissed that strain of conversation, telling Luhan that he only wanted to know if Yifan knew, not to delve into a deep conversation speculating about Yifan's responses. He didn't need to think about it more, he'd been going over that exact thing since his head had touched his pillow after arriving from his dinner with Zixin. It's all that had whirled around Yixing's mind, along with music notes that he needed to get onto paper.

"So, when are you seeing Zixin again? Do you have anything planned?" Luhan heeded Yixing's request and rid the curious glimmer from his eyes.

"I'll text or call him later," Yixing nibbled on his lip and returned to his work. "Like I said, we're keeping things casual."

"I know I was the one who introduced you to him again but be careful, okay?" Luhan sighed dramatically. " _Ge_ can't talk me out of being in trouble if I punch Zixin this time around and I don't think I could handle having assault charges to my name."

"Don't worry," Yixing reassured his best friend, "I can look after myself now. And, well, I don't think anybody could break my heart right now."

Not when it isn't even whole.

"That's comforting to know," Luhan grinned.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing ran down the street with his chest heaving, weaving between people until he saw Zixin propped up against a streetlamp at a corner. He smiled as he saw the man and approached him with confident steps. "Will you look at that, Zixin hasn't gelled his hair!"

Zixin stumbled around and laughed at Yixing, "Ah, I thought I would try something new. Spending time with you has reminded me that I have the same style as when we were younger."

"I see," Yixing lifted his hand and touched the fluffy strands of Zixin's hair. "It looks good, suits you."

"Thanks, Yixing," the smile that was returned to him was small yet genuine. "Ready to go? I thought we could go to the cinema?"

"I haven't been there in a while, so that sounds like a good plan to me." Yixing didn't mind that the date was a rather generic one, their recent ones had followed the same fashion. A few lunches here or there, a dinner or two, meeting up to walk around and buy street food. It was nothing Yixing hadn't experienced before and it helped him stay calm as his body told him that the hand in his wasn't the right one.

"You like historical films, don't you?" Zixin scratched his own arm. "I think I remember that you liked them."

Yixing hated historical films. He smiled when he wanted to grimace, "Sure."

The film droned on and Zixin had already managed to slide his arm around Yixing's shoulders. Yixing was trying his very hardest to not fall asleep. But, he was bored. And Zixin's arm felt somewhat heavy against his neck, he wanted to shuffle out from under the weight.

"Yixing," Zixin whispered, drawing Yixing's gaze away from the film he was pretending to watch. A few fingers —  _much too small_ , Yixing's mind screamed — clasped around his chin and turned his head to the side, forcing him to look right at Zixin's face.

"Yeah?" His voice cracked with disuse, but he could see how Zixin misread it and smirked at the croaked noise.

Zixin leant in, pressing his lips to Yixing's and he kissed back instinctively. The other man tasted like cola and gummy sweets. Underneath that, cigarettes. It wasn't a particularly appetising action, to kiss somebody who often left the lingering taste of tobacco. Zixin's tongue prodded at Yixing's mouth and he opened it up with ease, pushing his own tongue into the other's mouth as the film played in the background.

They pulled apart to breathe as the credits appeared on the screen and Yixing licked Zixin's saliva off his lips.

"You're so much better at kissing than when we were younger," Zixin's backhanded compliment had Yixing scoffing and leaning back in his seat, only laughing when the other looked completely affronted by Yixing's reaction. Zixing recovered quickly, placing his hand on Yixing's knee, "I wonder if you're better at other things now, too."

Yixing shuffled out from under Zixin's touch and stood up from his seat, clearing out with the patrons that were sat in front of them. "You won't be finding that out tonight."

"When can I?" The sleazy hopefulness that radiated from the words made Yixing cringe and he still pushed it down as well as he could.

"I don't know," Yixing turned back and shrugged, waiting for Zixin to get his coat on and follow him out of the movie theatre. "When I am ready, I guess."

"Yixing," Zixin's voice was right behind him, breath on Yixing's neck, "I took your virginity, you've been ready since we were sixteen. You can come over, if you want?"

Ignoring Zixin and following the other people into the main corridor before stepping into the main plaza. "Let it go, Zixin. I said, not tonight."

"I'll drop you home, then," Zixin offered, his speech polite and Yixing relaxed a little. He never liked it when Zixin was so forward.

"Okay," Yixing accepted, trailing slightly behind as Zixin led the way to his car.

The drive was quiet and Zixin followed Yixing to the door of his apartment building, stepping into Yixing's personal space and claiming another kiss. Yixing ran with it, enjoying the physical sensation of the liplock and ignoring the booming alarm in his brain, telling him to stop. He was pressed up against the clear glass of the front door with a loud thud, which caused both he and Zixin to laugh against each other's lips.

It wasn't a kiss that lept out of Yixing's fantasies but it was enough to have him continuing, allowing his arms to wrap around Zixin's neck and hold him pinned to Yixing's mouth.

There was a loud wolf whistle and Yixing pulled back from Zixin's roaming tongue to roll his eyes. "Go away, Luhan."

"Should I go stay with _ge_ tonight?" Yixing laughed at Luhan's suggestion but the next sentence acted like liquid nitrogen pouring over his body, freezing him into a panic. "I can stay with you tonight, right, _ge?"_

Yixing's head turned slowly, his gaze kept down to the floor but yixing could see the two pairs of feet standing not even a metre away from him. "If Yixing needs the apartment to himself, or rather, _to share,_ then sure. You can stay over."

Much like the blood in Yixing's veins, Yifan's voice was completely cooled to a frosty tone. Yixing suppressed the urge to shudder against the window to his back and body to his front. He dropped his arms from Zixin's shoulders and Zixin was smirking, he leant down for another kiss that Yixing felt jolted by. But, their lips had separated by the time Yixing had recovered.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Zixin mumbled into Yixing's ear, breathing onto his neck again and Yixing nodded dumbly. "Maybe we can continue this then."

Yixing let Zixin step away from him and watched him get into his car before he fumbled to get in through the door. He heard Luhan yelling behind him as he scrambled up to their apartment and Yixing dashed straight into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The acrid taste of cigarettes weighed too heavily on his tongue for his liking, but the menthol of his toothpaste got rid of that within the two minutes of his brushing.

Luhan banged on the locked bathroom door, pleading for Yixing to open it and tell him everything about what had happened with Zixin that night, as Luhan was often the one Yixing unloaded onto.

When Yixing left the room, he explained his night to Luhan and turned to head into his bedroom until a voice, which was not Luhan's, caught him. "But you hate historical films? You've always preferred indie movies with quirky soundtracks."

Yixing closed his eyes, _of course, Yifan knew._

"I'm trying to broaden my horizons," Yixing defended. "I shouldn't discredit a whole genre because of a few bad films."

"I bet you just wanted to sleep through it," Luhan snorted and Yixing shot the two brothers a look.

They were completely right, but he didn't want them to know that.

"Like I said, I want to get to know the genre more."

"Bullshit," Luhan called. "You've never liked them and you never will."

Luhan turned into the bathroom, edging in to clean his own teeth and Yifan approached Yixing, causing Yixing to feel suffocated by the lessening distance between them.

"You didn't tell me you'd got back together," Yifan's face was calm. Yixing felt a stab, right into the abyss-like crack in his heart. Yifan wasn't even jealous. "I must admit, I didn't see that coming."

"It was Luhan," Yixing explained, feeling somewhat obligated to do so. "He set everything up and we've been meeting up most days since."

"I see," Yifan sighed, stepping back and making his way into the kitchen. "Just be careful, okay? I'll be here if you need me. But still, please, take care of yourself with him."

"I'll be fine, Yifan," Yixing turned away and escaped into his bedroom.

He laid across his bed and listened to the muffled voices of the brothers down the hallway and sighed. Yixing really hadn't wanted Yifan to know and being caught how he was, it felt humiliating. And Yixing felt _guilty_. A part of him thought he'd done Yifan wrong, that he'd betrayed his trust and then Yixing remembered. Nuan. Yifan was happy with her, happier than he was when he was with Yixing if he was considering having a family with her.

Yixing promised himself that he wouldn't cry, that he would not let the situation get the better of him. He decided that the few tears that dropped down onto his pillow were traitors and didn't deserve to be counted. He said the same of the stream of other ones that followed those, too.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing's back was pressed firmly against the seat of Zixin's couch, the weight of the other on his body was heavy and his lips felt bruised, completely overused as they kissed. Yixing was laughing as they pulled apart, Zixin's hair had fallen down onto his neck when the man tucked his forehead against it and tickled the sensitive skin there.

It was early enough in the evening that Zixin hadn't had his nightly rush of cigarettes and Yixing could deal with the saliva stringing between their lips as they caught their breaths. It had been a few months, three at most, since Luhan's intervention and the reintroduction of Zixin and Yixing, while he didn't feel _better_ , he felt okay.

Like he'd predicted, Zixin was just enough to blur our what Yixing didn't want to feel by distracting him, but he knew that wasn't a permanent solution. It was temporary relief from the ache in his chest, it wasn't enough to fix him. Yixing didn't think anything could make his chest feel less hollow than it did.

"Are you staying for dinner, too?"

They'd had an early lunch and ended up in Zixin's apartment, kissing and playing around with each other. It was afternoons like those that made something in Yixing's chest snap to the point where he couldn't breathe. Everything about the atmosphere was right but Yixing's mind knew the person he was with was wrong. Still, there was nothing he could do to change that. It happened each time he tried to convince himself that he was happy around Zixin.

"Yeah, I'll stay for dinner."

And yet, whenever Zixin's hands began to wander on Yixing's body, he pulled away. Yixing didn't feel like he could let Zixin touch him and feel his skin under his fingers. He'd had sex with people since breaking up with Yifan but those had all been under the pretence of it being just for one night. Doing it with somebody who seemed to be interested in him had a lot more weight to it. It was supposed to mean something. But all Yixing felt was guilt, heavy and sickening guilt.

They ate takeout in front of the television, Yixing paying half interest to the talent show that was being broadcast and the food in the box he was holding. Zixin was sprawled out on the sofa whilst Yixing took the floor, meaning Yixing's hair and neck were well within touching distance of Zixin's ever-moving hands. He often swatted the other away, not wanting to be bugged by him, but otherwise, he left him to play as he pleased. Yixing was the one who cleared away their takeout packaging and disposed of the chopsticks that came with in the bag.

He walked back to the lounge, hoping to place himself on the opposite end of the couch to Zixin to give himself a little space. Zixin, however, tugged Yixing up by his arm to connect their lips, black bean sauce on the other's tongue awaited Yixing and he felt like recoiling into himself a little. As fun as it had been earlier in the evening, Yixing had grown tired of kissing and wanted to get back to his apartment and dive into his own bed, where he hadn't been for hours.

In his slight exhaustion, Yixing let himself soften and Zixin shifted their positions slightly, pulling Yixing up his body then turning them over.

"You always liked being like this," Zixin murmured against Yixing's lips, biting and tugging at the lower one between his teeth. "Pinned down and pliant."

Yixing's mouth began to dry as Zixin's hand slipped under his shirt and he pushed Zixin away as harshly as he could.

"I've told you that I'm not ready."

Zixin didn't move off of Yixing and rolled his eyes, "Come on, Yixing, it's not like this is your first time. Nor is it _our_ first time."

"I still don't want to do it right now," Yixing kept his voice calm as Zixin began to kiss his neck, obviously attempting to use Yixing's sensitivity to encourage him to be more willing. If anything, the kisses felt like heavy brands welting his skin, making him squirm away from the mouth that was trying to press onto him.

"You said it yourself that you've had a few one-night stands, this is no different to that, surely?" Yixing wriggled, freeing himself a little more from Zixin. "Come on, Yixing. What's the big deal?"

"I just don't feel like I can do it with you at this moment," Yixing explained, hating how Zixin's eyes hardened as he pulled away.

"But you were more than fine with letting your precious _gege_ fuck you whilst we were together, right?" Zixin's eyes narrowed down on Yixing.

"I didn't sleep with him whilst we were together," Yixing fired back instantly. "I told you that then and I'll tell you it a thousand times over now, Yifan never touched me when we were together."

"But he touched you after, right? I bet you went running straight to him and let that fucking creep do whatever he wanted to you."

Yixing didn't want to get angry, he hated how much it burned in his bloodstream to feel fury, but his heart, as delipidated as it was, still pushed him to defend Yifan. "Don't say things like that about him. You've got no idea what he's like."

"Yixing," Zixin flamed up, "he was twenty and fucking touching up teenagers, there's something wrong with him."

"Don't say that, that's not true." Yixing shoved Zixin sharply away from him. "Don't bring him into this just because I won't put out for you."

"But you'd spread your legs for strangers and your best friend's older brother? Typical, for a fucking tease like you."

"Do you even hear what's coming out of your mouth?" Yixing gasped incredulously. "I'm sorry for not wanting to have sex with you but you're really overreacting."

"No, my problem is that he's always in my way with you." Zixin stood up from the sofa and glared, raging inside, down at Yixing, who just felt himself getting smaller and smaller. "If it wasn't you running off to be with him then it was you talking about him and now I can't even touch you because of some kind of spell he's still got on you. But, I guess this is it, now you're an adult, he doesn't want you anymore."

Yixing took a deep breath, hoping the stinging in his eyes wasn't tears forming but tiredness. Though, luck rarely turned his way.

"It was never about my age," Yixing exhaled. "You'd never know that because you have no idea what he's like. Stop twisting this around, Yifan isn't even here, so I don't see why he's even relevant. He doesn't control me, he doesn't decide who I do and don't see. Did you not consider that I don't want to have sex with you because I don't _want_ to have sex with _you_? You can't blame other people because you just don't get me hard, Zixin."

Before Yixing could comprehend it, a hand came out and Yixing was sure Zixin was going to slap him. But, it appeared that Zixin caught himself, as his hand suddenly stopped and lowered.

"You're a terrible person, I hope you know that," Yixing whimpered, his eyes filling with tears. He eyed the door, feeling his heart sink as he'd have to get around Zixin to get out the public space Zixin's apartment opened onto. "You can't say things like that. You don't know the truth about Yifan, especially when it comes to the people he likes. He doesn't have _a thing_ for younger people."

"Yixing, the guy probably fucked you every night of your teenag--"

"Shut up," Yixing bit out, pushing himself to stand up on his feet and meet the challenging gaze of Zixin. "You have no right to say things like that. Whatever image you have of Yifan, it's so fucking wrong that I feel like vomiting."

"Then what is it, if it wasn't your age? Because I can't think of many reasons for an adult man to go after somebody who could have been classed as a child."

"It's because it's _me_ ," Yixing barked out before he deflated. "At least, it _was_ me. My point is, he's with somebody else now and she's his age. He's probably going to marry her, have the perfect nuclear family, be happy and all moved on."

"And you won't be, you'll be left behind," Zixin softened, touching Yixing's hand to entwine their fingers. "He's what's stopping you, right?"

Yixing didn't respond, he blinked and tears gently hit his cheeks. He desperately didn't want to cry in front of Zixin and pulled his hand out of the other's grip, wiping at his eyes and turning away.

"You won't move on unless you force yourself to," Zixin stepped even closer, his nose touching at the back of Yixing's hair. "You let yourself get sucked back in by him and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I can't give you everything you'd want but I can help you move on."

Even as regret and guilt swirled around Yixing's stomach, he let Zixin lead him to his bedroom and fought the urge to recoil as Zixin's hands removed his clothes. Piece by piece. Yixing had nodded a yes, albeit a hesitant one.

The lips on Yixing's collarbones felt foreign after so many years and he tried to reconcile with the expanding pit of revulsion in his stomach as Zixin left marks there.

Zixin's hands wandered down and Yixing still couldn't stop his silent sobbing. He wanted to move on, so desperately that his fingers clenched into the duvet below him. Zixin took it as a sign of pleasure, rather than as the outlet of pain it really was, and continued with sure movements. Yixing felt like he was under a microscope as Zixin looked at him, naked and clutching at the sheets.

Yixing was in Zixin's mouth, growing hard under the pressure of lips and a tongue. Bile rose in his throat and he knew he hated every moment of it, even the usual caresses of pleasure he often felt were replaced with pinpricks of internal pain. His nerves were on edge, not from stimulation but genuine repulsion.

"Zixin," he pushed the other's head. "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I'm not ready."

The tongue against Yixing's cock pressed harder, an obvious attempt to get Yixing to change his mind but he was dead-set. He didn't want Zixin touching him. He didn't want Zixin at all.

"Come on, Yixing," Zixin pulled away, whispering. But one of his fingers circled Yixing's entrance. "You need this. We both know you do."

Yixing shook his head and started to retreat up the bed, shielding his body with his limbs. His nakedness made him feel vulnerable, "I'm not ready. I'm really not."

Zixin crawled up the mattress, closer to Yixing and pried his legs apart from where Yixing had curled into himself. exposing him again, "Don't be like that, you'll enjoy it when we start."

"I don't want to start at all." Zixin's grip on Yixing's knees tightened, causing Yixing to scrunch his nose up and try to push Zixin's hands off of him. "Please let me go."

"Yixing, you _need_ this," Zixin argued. "I can see that, anybody can see how much you're going to benefit from this."

"Zixin, I'm asking you nicely," Yixing inhaled deeply, "please let go."

"And what would you do if I didn't?"

Those words, out of all the ones Zixin had said to him, had fear trickling thickly down his spine. Yixing could ignore the manipulative words, ones Yixing were knew were untrue and as much confidence Yixing had in his own strength, he still wasn't sure if he could quite match up to Zixin.

"I don't want anything to happen that doesn't have to," Yixing felt his lips tremble and he tried to pull his knees back together. "I don't want us to regret anything."

The fingers on Yixing's skin began to dig their nails in. He, in turn, stuck his own into Zixin's hands and hoped the man would flinch enough for Yixing to escape his grasp. When that didn't, the fear that had been in his vertebrae slithered into his stomach, stung in his eyes and tremored in his hands. Tears what had just been slipping down his cheeks hiccupped into sobs as he began to pinch and claw at Zixin's hands.

"Just, relax, Yixing," Zixin coaxed, his thumbs beginning to rub on his knees whilst his fingernails remained digging into Yixing's skin. "This won't hurt if you relax.

"I said no, please listen to me."

"If you don't calm down, this will hurt," Zixin muttered almost in warning and Yixing could only blink, trying with more earnest motions to get Zixin to let go.

"Don't do this," Yixing whimpered. "This isn't like you, just let me go."

"Do you know how frustrating it is to have somebody keeping me from you? How much that has always made me _furious_ because you'd never give me every part of you? I want that now, I don't want him holding you back anymore."

"Forcing me to have sex with you isn't going to do that," Yixing kicked one of his legs out, ignoring how Zixin's nails scratched against his skin and he felt the hands on loosening on his legs. It was just enough.

He scrambled off the bed, trying to will away the sharp pain from his knees and he immediately collected up his clothes. He could see Zixin shuffle around, and stand up as Yixing pulled his jeans and underwear up his legs quickly.

"You know you would have wanted it."

"I wouldn't have. I made that clear to you," Yixing held his shirt in his hands, he felt drained by the urge to vomit as he wiped at his face. "I told you no, you're supposed to stop when somebody says that."

"You're talking as if I actually did something you didn't want," Zixin rolled his eyes and Yixing crumbled. "It's not as if you wouldn't have liked it by the end."

Zixin, still naked and hungry-eyed, made his way to stand in front of Yixing. He ran his fingers up Yixing's neck before Yixing could flinch back, Yixing didn't think too much before swinging his elbow, bent and locked into place, around to hit Zixin's cheek.

"Don't fucking touch me," Yixing felt anger boil under the intensity of his fear, adrenaline slowly seeping into his bloodstream. "I said _no_."

Zixin stumbled back, hand moving to where Yixing had connected with his cheek."What the fuck was that?"

"What you deserve."

Yixing pulled his shirt over his head and pushed himself out of the bedroom, across the lounge and straight out the door. Yixing didn't stop as he heard the loud thump of something being thrown across a room inside Zixin's apartment. As he ran down the stairs, more tears collected in his eyes as everything played over and over in his head. He'd never been frightened of Zixin before, he was often pushy but never stepped over the line. The fearful and timid part of Yixing told him that Zixin wouldn't have stopped if he hadn't kicked him away.

That thought had Yixing leaning against the wall of the building beside Zixin's, pressing his weight onto it and letting his chest heave. His whole body was recovering and he didn't know what to do. He wanted to run into the arms of his parents and find comfort there, the same with Luhan. But, over all else, he wanted Yifan. He wanted to be gathered up in Yifan's arms.

He fumbled for his phone, the screen distorting as his tears fell onto it but he found Yifan's contact easily.

It rang once before it was answered. Before Yifan could even get his greeting out, Yixing's mouth was already moving.

" _Ge,_ I need you," Yixing sobbed.

 

# ♤

 

In the twenty minutes it took Yifan to get to him, Yixing had managed to calm himself down but his body still shook as he sat on the pavement with his back against the building wall. Through tired and stinging eyes, Yixing watched as Yifan haphazardly parked his car and rushed out onto the street. He looked up and down for Yixing until they met eyes, Yifan froze for a split second before running the few hundred metres down to where Yixing was.

Instantly, Yifan was on his knees, his hands holding Yixing's jaw to look at him before pulling Yixing into his arms. Yifan didn't speak, he held Yixing's torso tightly and kissed his hair. Yixing moulded himself into the taller frame, embracing how having something to hold kept him steady and began to ground him. Yifan only pulled back when Yixing stopped trembling completely, he ran his thumbs under where Yixing's tears had wet his cheeks and kissed his forehead ever so gently.

"Can you take me home?" Yixing asked, whispering into Yifan's body and it was then that the older pulled back.

"Luhan isn't at the apartment, he's staying at _home-_ home tonight," Yifan didn't pull away and just breathed against Yixing's brow. "I don't want to leave you when you're like this."

Yixing nodded, despising how Yifan's lips grazing against his forehead made his heart stutter and falter in his chest.

Yixing's eyes closed, he was so exhausted and he just wanted to tell the truth for the first time in a long while, "I don't want you to leave me. I want to be with you."

He knew it was ambiguous, that it fit with the context but the words were everything he'd wanted to say to Yifan since they'd broken up. It was a confession, weighed down by the tears that had soaked into Yixing's shirt and the feeling of Yifan's hands on his body.

"I'll take you back to mine then, you can stay with me until you feel better."

The drive across the city was silent, Yixing's body curled up on his seat and he felt Yifan's gaze on him whenever they stopped moving, he wanted to hide away. As much as he craved and wanted the comfort he knew only Yifan could bring, he didn't want Yifan to know what had happened.

He knew the questions would come, he could feel the panic and worry emanating from Yifan, and Yifan would want to know everything. He'd want to know why Yixing flinched slightly as the car went over potholes, he'd want to know why Yixing ran his hands over his knees and why he'd pulled away from Yifan's offered hand.

Yifan guided Yixing with a hand to his lower back through his apartment building and into his flat, it felt like a safe haven for Yixing. He lowered himself onto the sofa and curled up there, his head propped up on the armrest. Yixing cuddled one of the decorative pillows to his chest and closed his eyes.

A weight, Yifan, settled beside him and moved close enough to manoeuvre Yixing so they were spooning, Yixing completely huddled up next to Yifan.

"What happened, Xing?" Yifan's hand weaved through his hair, petting it and Yixing's screwed his closed eyelids up. "What's got you like this?"

Yixing inhaled, adoring how he could only sense Yifan around him. He wanted to turn around and kiss the older, and that was exactly why Yixing never let himself get so close. "Zixin, he's not how I thought he was."

"Oh," Yifan breathed. "What went on between you?"

"He's been a bit," Yixing wasn't sure how to describe it, " _pushy?_ I guess...? The short of it all is that he didn't like that I told him no."

Yifan's arm draped over Yixing's waist, running comfortingly up and down his stomach, "And the long version?"

"He's being trying to get, you know, _physical_ ," Yixing stopped for a few moments and balled his fists up, he could already feel the fresh wave of tears ascending his body. "I said I wasn't ready and he didn't seem to believe me."

It fell silent between them and Yixing knew Yifan was trying to fill in the blanks himself, that he was building stories in his head and Yixing wished he had the will to talk about it more. He just didn't have the energy. He ached to delve deeper for Yifan's affection and numbed in want to pull away, to distance himself from the pain Yifan left in his chest and the pain Zixin left on his body.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," Yixing mumbled, fluttering his eyes as he shifted to look around and see Yifan staring up at the ceiling. "I promise I'll tell you. I told you in the kitchen that time that I would let you know whenever things aren't okay. I just need you to let me have some time to gather my thoughts."

Yifan buried his nose into Yixing's hair, drawing air into his lungs and expelling it with a sigh. "You know I'd wait forever for you."

And Yixing's heart broke.

 

# ♤

 

Yixing kept his front facing the shower wall when the bathroom door opened, he could hear Yifan shuffle around and stand silently for a while. Yixing could remember a time, in those long showers he would take before school, when he'd invite or entice Yifan to join him. He kept his eyes shut as the water dribbled down his body and Yifan cleared his throat suddenly.

"I've left you some thinge to wear on the sink," his voice was gentle, almost in awe. "I have the clothes you came in, in my hands. I'll wash them and put them into a carrier bag, so you can take them back to your apartment when you need to."

Yixing swallowed, moving his head to the side to give the indication that he was looking over his shoulder at Yifan, but kept his focus on the tiled walls. "Thanks, _ge."_

Yixing could imagine the small smile that would have been directed at his back and moved to grab the shampoo to lather it in his hair.

The door clicked closed and Yixing pressed his forehead to the wall. He rested there before he cleaned and conditioned his hair, then spent ten minutes scrubbing his body. Yixing hoped to get every trace of Zixin off his skin, but the crescent-shaped red indentations that had been dug into Yixing's skin remained. As did the accompanying bruises and few seemingly "lustful" marks Zixin had left. He couldn't get rid of them, no matter how hard he tried and it stung behind his eyes.

He towelled himself off before slipping Yifan's clothes on, enjoying how they were large and wholly comforting. He brought the sleeves of the massively oversized sweater to his nose and let himself bask in the scent from them for a few seconds before pulling on the shorts Yifan had left him.

Yixing knew Yifan would be able to see his knees and the impressions Zixin had left in his wake. It jellied his legs as he walked out and had him contemplating running straight to Yifan's bedroom to hide. Instead, he ran his hands through his wet hair and slowly paced his way into the kitchen, where he could hear Yifan boiling the kettle.

Once Yixing had entered the room, Yifan's reaction was delayed as he skimmed his eyes down Yixing's body until he reached Yixing's legs.

Crestfallen, that was the only way Yixing could label the expression Yifan had. His mouth hung agape and his eyes seemed to grow wetter and wetter. Still, he was confident as he approached Yixing, cupping Yixing's cheeks with his hands and leaning his forehead against Yixing's.

"What did he do to you?" Yifan sounded broken, much like if his world had crumbled and disintegrated in front of him. "God, Xing, how could he do that to you?"

"I didn't want to and he didn't believe me."

Their lips ghosted over one another as they spoke, turning Yixing breathless and weak.

"What did he do?"

Yixing gulped, "I said he could, in the beginning, we were kissing and then he was moving down my body. I was in his mouth for half a minute, maybe? I'm not sure. But then I wanted it to stop, so I pushed him away and then he grabbed me. He forced my legs apart—"

Yixing choked on his words, stumbling and fumbling his way through them and he felt Yifan's hands on his jaw tighten. Not painfully but more than enough for Yixing to feel it happen.

"It's okay," Yifan reassured him gently, moving his head to the side and Yixing felt a firm kiss to the side of his mouth. The next words were whispered against his cheek, "I'm here now."

"I kicked him away," Yixing turned his head, facing back towards Yifan and their noses, momentarily, bumped. "He didn't do anything other than that."

"But you're certain that he would have?" Yifan's mouth was millimetres from Yixing's again and Yixing wasn't sure when his eyes had closed.

In one barely audible puff, Yixing responded, "Yes."

He desperately wanted Yifan to kiss him, to replace the taste and feel of Zixin in and on his mouth. Yixing's hands crawled up until his fingers were buried in the soft hair at Yifan's nape. They stayed like that, lips a slight tilt from being pressed together and their mouths only opened wider. Each of their exhales blew into the other's mouths. Yixing felt himself start to shake, he was moments away from caving in.

"Yifan?" Somebody gasped and Yixing flung himself back, Yifan did the same as he stumbled, but he righted himself quickly. Yifan moved to stand in front of Yixing, protecting him from the eyes of the newcomer. "What the fuck is happening here?"

Yixing felt bile roll in his stomach, he held onto the back of Yifan's shirt with his fists clenched and eyes equally so.

"It really isn't what it looks like," Yifan argued and Yixing knew it was futile.

Yixing didn't want to peer around Yifan to see Nuan stood, most likely with her piercing eyes that she reserved only for Yixing. He wasn't sure if his night could get any worse. Yixing was certain that he was hurtling towards and panic attack, shuffling close enough to Yifan that his chest was pressed to the back of Yifan's ribcage. He was sure the elder could feel his thundering heart.

"I don't think that there's anything about that scene that wasn't what it looked like," Nuan growled, her feet moving soundlessly on the floor but Yixing could hear her voice getting closer.

"You, just," Yifan sought after the words but they failed him. "You don't understand."

Yixing didn't quite understand either but he couldn't bring himself to care, not when Yifan's arms moved back to hold Yixing to his spine.

"I think I understand pretty clearly," Nuan laughed. Though, it was a cold and bitter sound.

Yifan sighed, seeming tired of the situation already. "If you want to argue, I don't want to do it in front of Xing."

"Of course you don't," her words dripped themselves in fury. "You could never do _anything_ that would make you look bad in front of your baby _didi_."

Still, she turned and Yixing was sue she made her way to the lounge. Yifan ignored his girlfriend leaving the room in favour of turning to face Yixing, he still brought one of his hands to Yixing's cheek and Yixing knew his face only read panic.

"Why don't you go wait in my room? Maybe, try to sleep," Yifan murmured. "You really don't need to be here for this."

"Will you be okay?" Yixing worried, tone unsure and vulnerable.

"I'll be fine."

 

# ♤

 

Yixing sat on the deep blue sheets like a lonely island, they were soft and silky under his fingers and each movement pushed a little more of Yifan's natural scent into the air. The bedroom was permeated with the older man. He seeped from every surface, cloyed in Yixing's throat and burned into his mind. It hurt to be there, to be so intimately close to everything he wanted.

And yet, his small sanctuary was broken. Raised voices flooded in under the door and he fisted the sheets with eyes tightly shut in hopes of blocking the noise out.

He had rarely heard Yifan shout. The elder was of a calmer, quieter disposition that soothed Yixing. He wasn't the one with the veined throat that spewed harsh words. It wasn't fiery passion between the couple, no, it was anger. White, searing fury that burnt Yixing's fingertips as he clenched the fabric of the shorts he was wearing. His mind was already frail, broken from needing to call for Yifan's help in the first place and he couldn't bear the sound of Yifan's anger floating in through the closed door.

There was the expectation to hear glass shattering on walls, Yixing could imagine a soap opera scene unfolding but Yifan didn't seem to fit with the picture in his head. All Yixing could see was the way Yifan had looked down at him, the way Yifan's hands had touched his face with even presses to soak up tears and then the way their lips had been so close Yixing could only feel his world imploding. The tenderness confused him, it took him back to being a teenager and Yifan would curl their fingers together when nobody was looking. It made Yixing's skin crawl with want, he'd missed the closeness and longed for it more than he thought he ever could. Even hearing Yifan's voice laced with the ferocity of a lion's roar had Yixing wishing they were tangled up on the bed with waves of calm humming over their bodies.

He'd missed being in love with Yifan, he'd missed knowing that Yifan loved him back and he missed the security it brought. All he had left were echoes in his mind and the smell of black pepper and ginseng on midnight coloured sheets.

Yixing tried not to listen to the argument down the hall, but it was impossible not to. Nuan was screaming at Yifan about how terrible of a boyfriend he was, how he constantly neglected her and that what she'd seen in the kitchen was the final straw. Yixing flinched whenever her barbed words were directed at him and he could almost experience the aura of Yifan's fury on his skin.

Yixing was hurtled back to being seventeen when the words, "You _always_ take his side," left Nuan's mouth.

"You drink yourself half to death whenever you feel like you're drifting from him," Nuan's voice was engulfed with exasperation and so much anger Yixing's toes curled. "You're so concerned with his wellbeing that you have your brother call you every night. You're obsessed with him."

"I'm sorry for being concerned for somebody I care about," Yifan fired back.

"But it's not purely concern, is it? You're not like this with your brother. Or me, for that matter."

"I'd be like this with Luhan if he suddenly put this chasm between us like Yixing has."

"No, Yifan. You don't get it. You act like he's the one who you're in a relationship with."

"I'm sorry, okay? I just worry about him," Yifan wasn't shouting anymore. "He's a massive part of my life and I can't let go of him easily."

"You think I don't know that? Yifan, I _know_ you two have something weird together, no matter if it's past or present," Nuan sounded like she was crying and Yixing laid back on the bed, curling up into a ball. He hated the mess he'd made. "You think I don't see it, but I do. I'm not blind, Yifan. You're always hovering around him and you get this look in your eyes when you're staring at him. And I want to say, _'Yifan, I'm right here, can you not look at somebody else like they're the light of your life?'_ to you. Because it hurts.

"Do you know what it feels like to be in a one-sided relationship like this? A relationship where I will never compare to him or replace him in the forefront of your mind. Fuck, Yifan, you've even said his name whilst we've been having sex. More than once. In fact, so many times I've lost count. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

"Then why do you stay?" Yifan's voice was dull, the levelness of it would have surely been insulting for Nuan to hear. "If I'm such a shit boyfriend who calls out another person's name when we're fucking, why have you stuck around?"

"Because _I love you,_ that's why. I've just never said it because I know you can't say it back without lying. I don't know why I do this to myself because I hate it, but I love you. I wished, and fuck, I prayed that you would love me back."

"I don't know what you want me to do! I can't say anything to make this better." Yixing could hear pacing and he knew it was Yifan, just the weight of his feet was telltale sign enough.

"Just be honest with me, Yifan. Just tell the truth."

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that I love him? Because _fine,_  I love Yixing and it kills me that I can't be with him. I'm completely in love with him and have been since I was twenty. I've spent almost every moment since we broke up forcing myself to stay away from him, I have spent _years_  keeping myself from falling at his feet because, _God_ , I love him and it's suffocating me. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Nuan's rebuttal was instantaneous, "If that's the truth, then yes."

Yifan was quiet for a long time and Yixing didn't know what was happening, all he could bring himself to do was stare at the numbers on Yifan's alarm clock. The red began to blur as Yixing spilt tears onto the pillow his head was on. He covered his ears but could still hear them.

"I'm sorry," Yifan seemed to say and Yixing's heart lurched.

"I know you are," Nuan sounded like she was crying, everything about what she said was frail. "Just, don't. Don't try to comfort me. Let me leave and hate you for everything you've done to me."

Silence drifted over the apartment again until there was the sound of the front door slamming shut, it shook the wall it was mounted on and Yixing still didn't move from his spot. The boiling of the kettle rumbled in through the closed bedroom door and Yifan didn't enter until twenty minutes later. Yixing guessed that Yifan had drunk the tea he'd been planning to make when Yixing had left the shower, but that didn't do a single thing to alleviate the tortured nerve endings that crackled over Yixing's body.

"Xing," Yifan whispered into the room.

The elder's footsteps moved closer to the bed and he crawled onto it. Yixing still didn't turn over, he could not subject himself to the torture of hearing those words coming out of Yifan's mouth and then having to stare at him. There was no way his heart could move forward from that. He was stuck and he didn't know what to do.

"Yixing, I know you could hear that."

Trying to lessen the tension, Yixing attempts to make light of things, "Who couldn't?"

Yifan chuckled dryly and slotted his body in behind Yixing's, holding him loosely and Yixing scrunched up his face.

"I meant it, you know? What I said," Yifan confessed into the nape of Yixing's neck. Yixing shivered, from both the sensation of air against his skin and the words themselves. "I wouldn't ever lie about loving you. I just wished that the first time I would ever say that you to hear would be to your face, when I could kiss you and ensure that you knew that I meant every single word."

Yixing turned over, holding his breath in his throat and blinking over wet eyes. “Why did you have to say that?”

“What do you mean?”

“It was hard enough living without you at my side and, now I know that, going on is going to be so much harder,” Yixing curled up on himself, arms wrapped around his shins. “Knowing that you love me shouldn’t hurt.”

“But it does,” Yifan coiled his body up around Yixing’s, drawing him closer in. “I never want to hurt you, Xing.”

“I know, _ge.”_

 

# ♤

 

Yixing didn’t keep track of the time that they spent just looking at each other in the dark. He could barely see any definitive features on Yifan’s face but his eyes glinted just enough for him to know that Yifan was staring right back at him. Yixing’s heart, for the first time in hours, settled at a normal pace. Yifan's thumb brushed against Yixing's hip in gentle circles, lulling Yixing into relaxing under the duvet.

"I love you, too" Yixing broke the silence. "I'm scared of what will happen, the future is terrifying for me and I don't want to lose you from my side."

"I know," Yifan muttered back, eyes moving and curving until Yixing knew the elder was smiling.

Yifan moved his head down a few inches, drawing their faces fully in line with one another before humming softly as he leant in. Sating a hunger that had sat in Yixing's stomach for years, their lips met. It was more like a homecoming than an exhilarating experience, Yixing knew how the slide of their lips would be and was welcomed by everything familiar. Yifan's taste, the hand lightly resting on his hip, the tilt of his head as he noiselessly asked for more. He moved one hand up to Yifan's shoulder and tugged him around.

Yixing shifted Yifan easily, drawing him up until he was half on top of Yixing. That freed up their other hands, which automatically went to hold at one another's jaws. Yifan's tongue welcomed Yixing's between their mouths, allowing Yixing to soak every last motion Yifan was giving him. He was dragged willingly into Yifan's crashing waves of affection, closing his eyes to knowledge that he hadn't been in love on his own. They breathed through their noses, giving yet more time for them to flick their tongues and mould their lips in a steady rhythm.

When they pulled back, pecks were exchanged between them in flurries and Yixing let out a little laugh as Yifan's lips travelled all around his face and down his throat. There was nothing that could compare to the body on his, the weight of it, whilst different to how it used to be, was so  _familiar_ Yixing couldn't stop himself from feeling down Yifan's back. He wanted the older man closer. His hands kept Yifan on him and he sighed when he felt Yifan do the same. 

"I love you," Yifan pulled on Yixing's lower lip with his teeth, sucking on it gently before delving in for another kiss. 

Yixing nodded his head, gripping on Yifan's shirt like the moment could slip away and Yixing grew certain that nothing, not anybody else, could replace Yifan.

And, with Yifan's lips on his, Yixing was sure they could sort everything in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come find me on twitter.](http://twitter.com/yifancentric)


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